You’d pay $20 for a photo of Gary Coleman. For the pleasure of looking at a dishevelled grump-faced 40-year-old midget for the rest of your life, you’d pay $20.
No really, you will pay $20. Don’t think you can go snapping pictures of Gary Coleman on your phone without paying $20 first. Do that and you’ll get beaten up by Gary Coleman and Gary Coleman’s wife, and get your phone stolen, and then get knocked to the ground by Gary Coleman’s truck. Allegedly.
Alternatively, do do that. That’s apparently what happened to Colt Rushton earlier this month and, as well as making sure that Gary Coleman has been charged with reckless driving and disorderly conduct for it, he’s also hit Coleman with a lawsuit. This has to make today the worst day for Gary Coleman since, dunno, yesterday? He doesn’t exactly look as if his days are filled with sunshine and monkeys, does he?
It must be hard being Gary Coleman. Nobody you meet ever likes you for you – if they’re aware of your work their affection is going to be ironic, and if they’re not they probably think you’re some sort of hideously deformed infant scald-victim or something. No wonder you think your life is such a swirling cesspit of existential misery that you occasionally attack the inside of your own car.
That’s why it wasn’t exactly a surprise to hear that Gary Coleman had apparently run a man over in his truck after an argument recently. After all, it was a perfect storm of potential rage. All the ingredients were there – Gary Coleman, Gary Coleman’s on-off wife, alcohol, photographs, a bowling alley, a truck, the inescapable sensation that nobody involved will ever leave Utah – how could that not end up with Gary Coleman knocking a man over with a truck?
And now, ten days after the alleged incident, police have finally charged Gary Coleman with reckless driving and disorderly conduct. It originally wasn’t going to take that long to charge Coleman, but the police had to go through all the angry black truck-driving midgets in the surrounding area to make sure they’d got the right one. And there sure are plenty of angry black truck-driving midgets in Utah, trust us.
Better still, Colt Rushton, the man who Gary Coleman allegedly attacked, has decided to sue Coleman for the injuries sustained during the incident, which means we all get to hear his side of the story in explicit detail. E! Online reports the good part, after Rushton had been beaten up by Gary Coleman and his wife and bodyguard for refusing to pay $20 for a photo of him:
When Rushton attempted to retrieve his phone, Coleman, at this point behind the wheel of his vehicle, “slammed the truck into reverse, swerved and swung the front of the truck into [Rushton], hitting him, throwing him to the ground and possibly running him over,” according to the court documents.
Actually, if we were Gary Coleman we wouldn’t worry too much about any of this. The man he allegedly his with his truck is called Colt Rushton. Colt Rushton, for God’s sake. Everyone would hit someone called Colt Rushton with a truck if they had the chance, just to get him back for his stupid name.
We can’t even drive, but if we ever met anyone called Colt Rushton we’d go away, slowly and methodically learn the basic principles of driving, work really hard to save some money, spend it all on a brand new truck, go back to Colt Rushton’s house, ring his doorbell, wait for him to answer, run back to the truck and knock him to the floor in it. Of course we would. His name is Colt Rushton. He deserves that to happen to him.
So, basically use that defence and you’ll probably be OK, Gary. Our bill’s in the post.
Porrohman says
Im so glad i found this site.
Julian Mentat says
When Gary Coleman get his passport photos taken, does he run over 4 people?
Melodie says
Oh, be fair. Colt Rushton probably did not choose that name himself. How can he pay to change it when he can’t even pay for a photo of Gary Coleman?
That’s like the basis of every “deadbeat dad” legal defense ever. “How can I pay child support when I can’t even pay for a photo of Gary Coleman?”
You can look it up.
stinkyfinger says
How do you “possibly” run someone over this seems a little wooly to me as an accusation