And now the fruits of their disgusting union have emerged. Rebecca Romijn has given birth to twin baby girls with names – Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip – that make them sound like high-powered corporate fairytale legal practices.

So our sincerest congratulations to Rebecca Romijn, Jerry O’Connell and their new sprogs. Although points have been deducted for the way it’s made us imagine what Jerry O’Connell’s sweaty sex face looks like. Really, there was no need for that.

By and large, all the news so far this year has been pretty miserable. War, economic failure, death, Clint Eastwood calling you a pussy – it’s comprehensively miserable stuff. But that’s nothing. It gets worse. Kangaroo Jack star Jerry O’Connell has managed to continue his DNA for yet another generation. We’re all doomed.

Or, if you want to be weird and think about this positively, Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca Romijn have just welcomed two beautiful twin girls into the world. No, urgh, that sounds horrible. We’ll stick with the ‘Jerry O’Connell corrupts humanity with his sperm’ line, thank you very much. Access Hollywood reports:

Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell have two new additions to the family. The couple welcomed twin girls just before the New Year, Access Hollywood has learned. “Rebecca gave birth on Dec. 28 to two healthy daughters, Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip,” a representative for the actress told Access. “Mother, father and both girls are all home and doing well,” the rep added.

Although the arrival of the twins doesn’t come as a surprise – back in July we reported that Rebecca Romijn was pregnant – the names that Romijn and O’Connell have picked for the babies suggests that Jerry O’Connell might still have some fond memories of his ex-girlfriend Geri Halliwell.

After all, Geri Halliwell pretty much invented the formula of giving babies humiliating flower-based names, and that’s something that Jerry O’Connell has ripped off wholesale by naming his twins Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip. Let’s hope this lingering rivalry between Geri and Jerry ends here, though – otherwise Geri Halliwell will be forced to think of a name even stupider than Dolly Rebecca Rose for her next baby, and we just don’t think her poor brain’s up to it.

But we’re getting off subject here. We should be focusing on Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip. Their lives are a completely open book, full of limitless potential and – given who their parents are – at least three rubbishy straight-to-DVD movies. Can’t wait.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Although they were born in the summer, Ricky Martin has decided to show off his baby twins Valentino and Matteo for the first time in People, while describing exactly how spiritual he feels when they smile or cry or poo or whatever.

Ricky Martin is raising the twins alone as a single father, so they obviously won’t be breastfed. Not because Ricky is a man and therefore can’t lactate, but because his nipples are probably already manky and chewed up and stuff.

Previously, if Ricky Martin ever invited you to take a look at his twins, you’d be well advised to run like hell before he either got his nipples or testicles out and introduced you to them by name. We don’t know if he does that or not, by the way, but he does give off that kind of vibe, doesn’t he?

But if Ricky Martin asks if you want to see his twins now, you’re probably a bit safer because he has actually become the father of twins – two boys born in the summer named Valentino and Matteo. True, the babies might just be an elaborate front for the testicle-baring set-up of his that we’ve obviously just invented, but let’s not go too far down that road, eh?

Anyway, it’s been a few months since Ricky Martin fathered his twins, and Ricky, children and Surrogate Female Birthing Pod 765-N are doing well enough for Ricky to show the kinds off in the new edition of People magazine, as AP reports:

Says Martin: “I’m so happy! Everything they do, from smiling to crying, feels like a blessing. Being a father feels amazing. This has been the most spiritual moment in my life.” And Martin says: “I’m the one who changes the diapers, the one that feeds them, the one that bathes them, the one that puts them to sleep.”

Ah yes, we believe it’s in the Bible that the essence of spirituality is defined as ‘waking up in the morning with a bad stomach and having to open a shit-filled nappy that smells like a backed-up sewer line on the Equator and then wiping up the overnight poo-smear off the buttocks of a tiny screaming ungrateful animal that’s simultaneously squirting a hot jet of piss into your eye’. Matthew 3:16, if we remember correctly.

But good for Ricky Martin for not playing by the celebrity baby rulebook. He deserves the money that People magazine is paying him for the baby pictures. That money, incidentally is, wait, let’s work this out… Angelina Jolie sold pictures of her twins for $14 million… divide that by the amount of time since people last thought of Ricky Martin as a celebrity… minus a mother… carry the three…

Oh, our calculations say that Ricky Martin is actually paying People to publish the pictures. Our mistake. Congratulations anyway, we guess.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

And Angelina Jolie was a busy woman to begin with anyway – deliberately enraging Jennifer Aniston can be a full-time job, you know – so rather than keep juggling everything until she keeled over exhausted, Angelina Jolie has chosen to make a few sacrifices.

In short, Angelina Jolie has decided to stop breastfeeding her two new twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline because giving milk to two babies at once is apparently incredibly hard. We should point out that Angelina Jolie isn’t a bad mother for not breastfeeding her kids – in fact, we think they’ll grow up just fine on their new diet of Mountain Dew and uncooked beef cartilage. It certainly never did us any harm.

No wonder Angelina Jolie looks so drawn and tired these days – it seems like if she wants anything done right she has to do it herself. Like furthering the Jolie-Pitt brand, for example. This week Angelina Jolie had chosen to have a break and let Brad Pitt go on TV to stoke up some deliberately controversial headlines about them, and what’s the best he could come up with?

That one of his daughters likes to be called John. That’s rubbish. Angelina Jolie goes out, busting a gut by threatening to quit acting or talking about her infant son’s knife fetish, and that’s all you can think of? Really Brad, would it kill you to admit that you never loved Jennifer Aniston? Huh? Or make up a story about how Pax Thien likes to blow up cows with a bazooka? Huh? These headlines won’t write themselves, you know.

So Angelina Jolie has decided to take things back into her own hands by telling the world that, after three months of trying, she can’t be arsed to breastfeed her newborn baby twins any more. According to the San Francisco Chronicle:

The actress admits she had to stop feeding newborns Knox and Vivienne after three months because she was exhausted. Jolie told GMTV, “It was about as much as I could do. There’s this football hold — it’s a lot harder than it looks in the books. I did that a few times. I would take turns. It just takes a long time.”

Look, Angelina, it’s OK. Nobody thinks you’re a bad mother for not breastfeeding your children. Just admit that the whole football hold thing was a lie and that you stopped breastfeeding out of spite because neither Knox Leon or Vivienne Marcheline made the 10 Hottest Tots list yesterday and we’ll forgive you.

It’s not Angelina Jolie’s fault that breastfeeding became too hard for her – she’s got so many children that she’d need to be caged up and fed a continuous diet of grass like a industrially-farmed cow to produce enough milk to feed them all, and if she did that then she’d never have the time to make films like Wanted or Changeling. Which, actually, we’d be alright with.

Besides, if Angelina Jolie had breastfed the twins in front of her adopted kids, it would have only angered and confused them. And the last thing that anybody wants is to wake up in the middle of the night to find a six-year-old Cambodian kid biting on one of your tits, right?

And anyway, it’s not as if Angelina Jolie didn’t give breastfeeding a go. We’ve all seen the magazine cover of Angelina Jolie breastfeeding her twins, haven’t we? And thanks to that cover Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline will now get to grow up getting all the humiliation of being publicly breastfed, but without having to consume any of those boring old nutrients. Everyone’s happy.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Yeah, we do too. It seems like it happened ages ago, didn’t it? But it only took place a few months ago, because Lisa Marie Presley has only just given birth to the adorable little babies who were prenatally forcing her to gorge on whatever food happened to be closest to her.

According to reports, Lisa Marie Presley gave birth to a pair of twin girls last Tuesday. However, since no names have been revealed yet – or any details other than the ones we’ve just given you, in fact – we’re not convinced. Until we see photographic evidence of these twins, we’re just going to assume that Lisa Marie Presley just did a couple of really, really big poos. It’s hereditary, we hear.

2008 hasn’t especially been kind to the Presley family’s faces. There was Priscilla Presley’s face, which got all messed up after a male Argentinian prostitute injected it with engine lubricant, and then there was Lisa Marie Presley’s face, which everyone relentlessly mocked back in March because it had suddenly taken on the dimensions of a smashed animal buttock.

However, it turns out that we were all completely wrong to do this to Lisa Marie Presley. It turns out that Lisa Marie wasn’t fat, she was pregnant. And we all know that you can’t be pregnant and fat, it’s either one or the other.

And now, just seven short months later, Lisa Marie Presley has finally got round to having those babies taken out of her body. Just don’t expect any details about them, OK? E! Online reports:

The rock ‘n’ roll progeny and her hubby, Michael Lockwood, celebrated the arrival of twin girls this week, E! News has confirmed. Per Presley’s publicist, Cindy Guagenti, the twosome arrived at 2:46 p.m. Tuesday via C-section, weighing in at 5 pounds, 15 ounces and 5 pounds, 2 ounces, respectively. The children’s names have not been announced.

Actually, maybe the only reason why Lisa Marie Presley hasn’t revealed the names of her babies yet is because she hasn’t got round to thinking up anything suitable. After all, the responsibility of choosing an appropriate identity for your child to carry around for the rest of its life isn’t one that should be taken lightly.

Or, alternatively, Lisa Marie Presley has picked names for her children but they haven’t been revealed because her mouth is so constantly full of crisps and bread and ice cream and hot dogs that nobody can understand what she’s trying to say. But it probably isn’t that.

Anyway, regardless of the twins’ names, we should just be pleased that the Presley genes have been carried on for another generation. After all, Elvis Presley was arguably one of the most famous men in history, and Lisa Marie Presley had both a number five album and a number nine album. So if the pattern continues, Lisa Marie’s twins are going to grow up to be the best darn Golf Sale signholders the world has ever seen.

No. Instead, Angelina Jolie has decided to change by getting two more tattoos etched onto her left arm to commemorate the birth of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. According to reports, the tattoos come in the form of map coordinates explaining exactly where the twins were born.

They’re not the only coordinate tattoos Angelina Jolie has – in fact, she’s a long-time proponent of them. Angelina Jolie’s arm also bears the coordinates of the birthplace of Maddox, the birthplace of Zahara, the birthplace of Shiloh Nouvel, the birthplace of Pax Thien and the exact location of where Angelina Jolie decided to steal Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston forever.

Good news, wrongheaded Angelina Jolie stalkers. Up until now you probably just wanted to kidnap Angelina Jolie to either get ransom money from Brad Pitt or to just see what her hair smells like, but now you’ve got an added bonus – because the location of your next five holidays are written on Angelina Jolie’s arm.

That’s right, you lucky mentals – Angelina Jolie has the map coordinates of the locations where each of her children were born tattooed on her left arm, and she’s just had the list updated to include the birth locations of her two twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline.

Imagine – if you got possession of those coordinates you could fly around the world to each of the locations, knowing that you’re standing exactly where Angelina Jolie flopped her placenta out onto the floor or, to be more precise, where the mothers of Angelina Jolie’s adopted babies flopped their placentas out onto the floor. Either way, what’s to stop you going to those places and licking the floor, you disgusting weirdo.

Anyway, regardless of your undeniably creepy intentions, Angelina Jolie showed off her new tattoos during her much-hyped visit to New York, as The Telegraph reports:

The actress showed off the latest addition to her extensive collection of body art at the New York Film Festival screening of her new film, Changeling. The two lines of blue script on her upper left arm detail the longitudinal and latitudinal location of Nice, where Knox and Vivienne were born in July. They are inscribed directly below four similar lines of coordinates which represent the birthplaces of her other four children.

As sweet a gesture as this seems, you shouldn’t be fooled. Angelina Jolie basically uses the tattoos as proof of purchase for her adopted kids. This way it’s much easier for her to return them if one of them goes defective.

Plus, this is obviously a worrying trend, and it genuinely makes us fear for the future. Look, if Angelina Jolie decides to have the longitudinal and latitudinal coordinates of her childrens’ birthplaces tattooed on her body, then it’s only going to get copied by Heat readers. And do you really want to see armies of fat chavs stumbling around with the coordinates for ‘outside KFC’ or ‘my Nan’s toilet’ or ‘all over the Wetherspoons carpet’ scrawled all over their arms? No. No you don’t.

What’s more, we’re worried for Angelina Jolie. If she keeps collecting babies at the rate she’s going, and if she insists on having their birth locations tattooed on her arms after each one, the poor woman’s going to need an arm extension put in before Christmas. And those things hurt.

This is very important news, and we’ll tell you why soon. Anyway, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie arrived in New York for the first time since the birth of their last children so that Angelina can promote her new movie The Changeling.

We said we’d tell you why it was so important that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were returning to America, didn’t we? Well, alright, we will – it’s important because, um, well, Brad Pitt is, um… and Angelina sort of… no. We’ve got nothing. Literally nothing. Maybe they left the gas on or something. We genuinely couldn’t care less.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s newborn twins haven’t been on this planet for long, but the time they have spent on it has almost exclusively been in France. Imagine that – 10 weeks surrounded by nothing but onion trees, shrugging mechanics, afternoon naps and excessive female bodyhair. That’s tantamount to child abuse in our books, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie should bloody well be ashamed.

Which we assume they are, because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have decided to return to America with all their children, where they can be brought up the way God intended – on a diet of Ritalin, incessant flashing images, processed food containing constituent parts that have never seen a speck of sunlight and brightly-coloured cartoon dinosaurs that shout the alphabet.

Yes, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have decided to return to America with their entire flock of culturally nonspecific offspring to allow Angelina Jolie to promote her new movie The Changeling. It’s an important movie for Angelina Jolie, because it’s the first role for several years where she hasn’t just played Angelina Jolie. Also, it’s a Clint Eastwood film, so there might be an Oscar in it for her if she licks enough arse. Access Hollywood reports:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have brought their six kids to New York City for the first time since the birth of their twins, Vivienne and Knox. The actress and mother of six is scheduled to walk the red carpet at the film’s premiere for the first time since giving birth to her twins.

As nice as it must have been for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to spend time in another country with less media intrusion and a slower, idyllic pace of life, it will do everyone some good to return to America.

More people will recognise Shilou Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, for example, so she’ll find booking a table at a restaurant much easier. And Brad Pitt’s bodyguards can beat up people who they actually understand for once. And lovely old Olivia Poupot gets to go a few days without giving a hilariously disdainful police statement about what a dreary couple of bastards she thinks Brad and Angelina are.

But the break won’t last – Brad Pitt is filming Inglorious Bastards in Germany at the moment, so after a few days, the entire brood will decamp back to Europe again. But no matter where they go they’ll always have a little piece of America inside them. True, it’s an impacted clump of hamburger that’ll cling to the inside of their colon until they day they die, but it’s good enough.

“The twins are fine.” That’s it. That’s what Brad Pitt said. The four most important words ever spoken by a human being. “The twins are fine.” Thank god, Brad Pitt has finally grown enough balls to publicly admit that the twins – while not ecstatically happy with their lives – are at least free of any major diseases, abnormal growths or traces of profound clinical depression.

That’s provided that Brad Pitt was talking about his two newborn baby twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, of course. He might have been discussing The Proclaimers. We honestly can’t be bothered to check.

Hands up who forgot that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie just had twins? Yeah, we had to admit we did as well. There are two main reasons for this – the main one being that so much of our body is covered with tattoos of Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh Nouvel and Pax Thien that the only space we had left for our tattoos of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline were on our buttocks where only our neighbours, our neighbours’ parents and our ‘osteopath’ can see them.

The other reason is because we have unusually small attention spans, and in the month since they were born, the announcement of their birth, second announcement of their birth, third announcement of their birth by their estranged grandfather and top-dollar People magazine photoshoot had totally slipped our minds. Whoops.

So thank heavens that Brad Pitt has the good old-fashioned courtesy to remind us for the millionth time that actually, yes, his girlfriend did squeeze out a couple of babies recently. God know what we’d do without him – probably get on with our lives in an otherwise perfectly normal manner or something disgusting like that.

So what did Brad Pitt say about his twins when he probably should have been concentrating on promoting his new movie Burn After Reading in Venice? Well, we’ve already told you quite a few times, but here’s People with the details:

Two months after the birth of Knox and Vivienne, Brad Pitt told reporters at a Venice press conference Wednesday, “The twins are fine.” He then raised his water glass like a toast, and took a sip.

“The twins are fine,” might seem like a fairly innocuous, standoffish thing to say about his own children – but in reality he’s given so much away about them. For instance, if the twins are fine then they’re not happy, sad, angry, disgruntled, distressed, jealous, anxious, bereaved, troubled, vexed, despondent, sluggish, frightened, timid, bewildered, fainthearted, vengeful, greedy, hate-filled, smug, disgusted, joyous, affectionate, disappointed, remorseful, contemptuous, aggressive, optimistic, surprised, zesty, tormented, spotty or nervous.

They’re fine. Deal with it.

Incidentally, if you’re reading this Brad, please don’t have any more children. We just have one small patch of skin left, and we heard that perineum tattoos are extraordinarily painful. However, if you do decide to have another kid, then consider the name ‘Perineum’ our gift to you.

Well, you’re wrong. Because they’ve finally gone and released pictures of the A-list couple’s bundle of gametes – though fortunately there doesn’t seem to be a Bono in sight. That would be too much.

Popping up on Hello! and People over the weekend, the images show… some famous people with their newborn kids. Seriously – what did you expect? Hecklerspray hoped the photos would include explosions, a car chase et al, but those hopes were well and truly dashed on their release. Typical.

And to confound matters further it gets leaked that these pictures cost the magazines $14 million dollars. Now, granted, that’s only about £20 with today’s exchange rate – but the fact remains that a staggering amount of cashmoney was paid for some pictures. Of some young children. To show to people who have no actual connection with said children.

Rather than getting annoyed at Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, for once we’re going to turn and pour scorn on everyone else in the world. Because, apparently, we live in a world where it is a sound business practice to pay fourteen million dollars for some pictures of some kids. Christ – we can’t even be annoyed at mum and dad as they’ve gone and donated their fee to charity, rather than throw it on their Scrooge McDuck-sized pile.

After the four-decade pregnancy, the ‘has she-hasn’t she had them’ crap that circulated when the couple ran off to France followed by the frighteningly standard names dished out to the sprogs, it comes as something of a disappointment that Brad and Angelina can’t top the whole saga off with a grand gesture.

Not that donating $14 million to charity isn’t a grand gesture – we just mean a grand gesture that we’d like to see. Like giving their good pals hecklerspray a few million to cover the bills (credit crunch, you see). Or by using the money to have a giant cannon built on the top of a mountain, which could be used to shoot any country seen to be being nasty to its orphans. That’s certainly something Brad and Angelina seem to care about, plus it’s entertaining enough to make other people in the world care.

But no – it’s been, gone and ended up in some charity coffers. So all we can do is point our accusing, sardonic finger in the direction of the stinking, smelly media. The media who will pay fourteen million dollars for some light captured on a digital imaging chip after it has reflected off the noggins of two famous people and the creased-up meatwads they have just birthed. This is the kind of world we live in.

The kind of world where Bono is not only allowed to be said meatwads’ godfather, but also the kind of world where he is allowed to go on living. There are some things in this world that just make you want to break down and openly weep. In public. While naked. At rush hour.

This is probably the best example we’ve ever come across.

Bono would be a terrible godfather. The worst. Imagine it. Instead of going to the zoo he’d take you for a day out to an audiovisual lecture on Third World tuberculosis. Imagine it. “What birthday present have you got me this year, Bono? Oh, a beehive for an African village? Another one? You shouldn’t have.”

But tell that to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – they’ve apparently asked Bono to be their newborn twins’ godfather. It might seem like a clever, worthy thing to do now, but heed this Brad Pitt – the day that little Knox Leon barges in prattling on about Burmese monks when you’re busy trying to complete Call Of Duty 4, there’ll be nobody to blame but yourself.

Really and honestly, men are only asked to be godfathers if a) the mother suspects that they’re actually the baby’s real father or b) the parents want to look all smug and superior in front of everyone.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have reportedly asked Bono to be the godfather of their new twins. So there’s no need to guess what their rationale is, is there?

That’s right. Bono. The man so shudderingly self-important that not even all his relentless humanitarian work can convince most of the world that he’s not a dick. The poverty campaigner who buys first class air tickets for his hats. The man who’d probably organise an all-star charity concert for your lost car keys if he thought there was a sniff of a Nobel Prize in it. He’s actually going to be godfather to some children.

God, those poor kids are screwed, aren’t they? Not only have they got Angelina Jolie for a mother – a woman so hands-on in her humanitarian efforts that when she sees a problem her first reaction is to bring it home, give it a silly name and raise it as her own – but now they’ll have Bono as a babysitter too.

Poor Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline are either going to grow up with gigantic self-esteem issues because they’ll never be able to compare to their perfect parents and godparents, or they’ll become some of those annoying rich kids who only wear hemp and bang on forever about their gap year in a Afghan commune and how really authentic and spiritual it was. They’re effed either way. Digital Spy reports:

“Brad and Angie think the world of Bono. They have been friends for years. Brad is a massive U2 fan and told Bono how much he admired him when they were introduced at a party a few years back. Since then, they’ve become very close, which Brad is thrilled about. Angelina is inspired by Bono’s humanitarian work and gets on with his wife Ali Hewson.”

Notice that Bono wasn’t asked to be the godfather to any of Angelina Jolie’s adopted kids. They’ve all already come from a place of great suffering, you see, while the twins were born into a life of privilege. The only way Knox and Vivienne will experience an equivalent level of suffering is if they’re forced to listen to Bono yip on about AIDS into their tiny faces for a few hours every week.

Of course, there’s always a possibility that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie only asked Bono to be their twins’ godfather so that he’ll appear in their exclusive magazine covershoot photos.

It’s a good idea – the presence of a balding, middle-aged, dot-eyed Irishman in a photo featuring Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and two of their biological children would really bring down the image’s mean level of otherworldly beauty, wouldn’t it? Normal humans might even be able to look at it without falling to their knees in raptures.

What we needed was to hear that another celebrity couple were expecting twins, but only so long as they barely qualified as celebrities. Not household names, maybe slightly attractive but not critically praised for their jobs at all. Basically we were waiting for Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca Romijn to announce that they had twins on the way.

So hooray for today, because that’s exactly what has happened. Model and actress Rebecca Romijn has announced that she’s pregnant with twins fathered by Kangaroo Jack and Fat Slags star Jerry O’Connell. Here’s hoping that the twins have their mother’s eyes and their father’s… actually, no, let’s just cross our fingers and pray that the twins escape from the womb with none of Jerry O’Connell’s DNA whatsoever.

As documentaries such as The Shining, Double Impact and Mary-Kate And Ashley’s New York Minute have conclusively proved, twins are trouble. One minute they’re haunting corridors in abandoned hotels and the next they’re doing kung fu on Hong Kong crimelords. Only an idiot would want to have twins.

Step forward Jerry O’Connell. Now, we’re not saying that he’s an idiot, but remember that this is the man who read the Fat Slags movie script, was told that Geri Halliwell was his co-star, agreed to star in the Fat Slags movie and then slept with Geri Halliwell. It’s for you to decide whether he’s an idiot or not. But he is having twins with his wife Rebecca Romijn, remember that.

Oh, you know, Rebecca Romijn. She was a model. She was a minor character in the X-Men movies. She’s apparently in Ugly Betty. She’s probably done a small amount of other stuff that we can’t be bothered to look up. The way her name is spelled bears no semblance to the way it’s pronounced whatsoever. You know, Rebecca Romijn!

Anyway, long story short, Rebecca Romijn is pregnant. It’s twins. Woo. Reuters reports:

Actors Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell are expecting twins this winter, a spokesman for Romijn said on Monday. It will be the first delivery for the couple, who married in 2007.

Great. More famous(ish) people having twins. Wonderful. In a couple of years we’ll be able to see Jennifer Lopez’s twins and Angelina Jolie’s twins and Rebecca Romijn’s twins all walking around silently together and dressing identically and staring at people and freaking us out. We can’t wait for that. Honestly.

Yes, Jennifer Lopez’s twins and Angelina Jolie’s twins will be dressed identically even though they’re both boy/girl twins. We don’t make the rules.

Anyway, we’re sure that it hasn’t escaped the attention of Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell that if you have twins magazines are prepared to pay twice as much for exclusive rights to the baby photos than if just one baby is born. That means that Rebecca and Jerry are in for double the payday! They’ll get six scraps of food instead of three! Yay!

But you mustn’t. You mustn’t look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s babies – especially if you’re looking at the paparazzi photos secretly taken with a high-powered telephoto lens that were recently taken. Look at those and Brad Pitt will sue your sweaty loner arse all the way to the moon and back. He’s said so himself.

But don’t get the wrong idea – Brad Pitt isn’t going to unusually strong legal measures to protect the privacy of his family. He’s doing it to protect you. Those babies are so genetically perfect that if you even glance at them you’ll instantly leave your wife because their beauty will show her up to be the ugly old trollop that she really is.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s new twins Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon have really captured the world’s imagination since they were born earlier this month. They’re rich, they’re famous, they’re a little bit French and they’re probably the focus of up to eight or nine separate opportunistic kidnapping plots. What’s not to love?

Well, how about the fact that we don’t know what they bloody look like for starters? For all we know Vivienne Marcheline has a hand for a nose and Knox Leon looks like a giant boggle-eyed manatee.

Some brave members of the paparazzi have been trying to help us all out, though, by secretly sneaking into Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s French estate and taking pictures without anyone finding out. These gallant photographers deserve our praise on two counts, firstly because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie enjoy kicking the paparazzi’s arse whenever they can, and secondly because it’s probably a bit illegal.

However, don’t start getting excited by the prospect of any Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie baby action just yet, because Brad has caught wind of these secretly-taken photos, and he’s just about ready to shit out an aneurysm about it. E! Online reports:

The actor’s attorney is threatening legal action against any media outlet that publishes photos snapped “surreptitiously” of Pitt, Angelina Jolie and their family, including new twins Knox and Vivienne, on the grounds of their French estate. “The taking of the Photos constitutes a malicious violation of Mr. Pitt’s privacy, including under the laws of California and France,” the attorney says.

We have to admit that we’re a little bit outraged by Brad Pitt’s threats to sue anyone who prints photos of his babies.

True, the photos do probably constitute a serious breach of privacy, and as a result Brad and Angelina will live the rest of their lives in a paranoid fug of hounded terror, but isn’t it every human’s right to be able to glance at a picture of a famous baby, mumble about it only looking like a sodding baby and forget about it instantly?

Apparently not. And anyway, it is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s right to keep the identity of their new babies a secret, not just because of the obvious security threat but because the children haven’t asked to be photographed. They’re just unconsenting pawns in all of this, and it’d be unfair to take advantage otherwise. It’s not like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie plan to sell photos of the twins to the highest bidder, is it?

Oh wait…

And now that Angelina Jolie has increased her ever-expanding brood of biological and adopted kids to six, you’d expect that she’d be thrilled, wouldn’t you? Well think again – if the babies’ names are anything to go by, Angelina Jolie bloody well hates the pair of them.

Why? Because we all know that Angelina Jolie loves to give her children all sorts of zany names, but these new ones? Angelina’s actually given them names that they’ll be able to pronounce? Urgh! Worst of all, they’re not even made up-names! One’s called Leon and the other one’s called Vivienne – Angelina may as well have just slapped them both in the face at birth and had done with it.

If there’s one thing we know, it’s that you should never second-guess Angelina Jolie. Well, except for when it comes to her choice of films – then she just flicks backwards and forwards like clockwork between sexy female assassin movies and dull real-life ‘issue’ movies that nobody watches – but with babies? No.

That’s because Angelina Jolie loves to mix it up when it comes to the naming process. So far she’s named her children after a road in London, after how someone with a speech defect would pronounce the name of a large African desert, after a battle in the War Of Independence and after something that sounds like a made-up dishwasher detergent for Scientologists.

But the bonkers invented celebrity baby name thing has been so overdone lately, with everyone from Nicole Kidman to Matthew McConaughey basically just naming their newborn tots by basically just phonetically spelling the first ambient sound they could think of, so Angelina Jolie has gone for a drastic, profoundly shocking change of tack.

That’s right – Angelina Jolie has given her newborn twins actual names.

On Saturday evening in Nice, after more false alarms than we care to remember, Angelina Jolie gave birth to the baby boy and baby girl that she’s been keeping hidden up her mimsy all year. E! Online has more:

Twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline were delivered via Cesarian section about 6 p.m. local time. “Brad and Angelina are extremely happy and everything went perfectly,” Dr. Michel Sussmann tells E! News. “Both of the babies are adorable and in excellent health and everyone’s content and getting some much deserved rest. [Brad, Angelina and the twins] are all tired but very, very happy.”

Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline? OK, at least they managed to slot an X and a couple of Vs in there between them, but it hardly seems as if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are trying any more, does it? What are they going to call their next kid? Sarah? Jonathan? Urgh, just thinking about it makes us want to vomit up all over the place.

As if there wasn’t enough tension between Angelina Jolie’s biological and adopted children as it is, Angelina’s just gone and exacerbated it tenfold. After all, as if the adopted kids don’t resent the biological kids already, just imagine how much worse it’ll be when they go into Clinton’s Cards and see that you can buy a keyring with Vivienne on it and a keyring with Leon on it, but no Pax or Zahara keyrings.

Let’s just close our eyes as tightly as possible and pray that Angelina Jolie doesn’t take her children into a branch of Clinton’s Cards until the company has remedied this obvious failing.

The whole world waits on edge, listening intently for the double baby-wail emanating from some crummy French town.

Everyone, no doubt, will demand to see pictures – and all magazines everywhere know this.

That's why there's such an intense bidding war going on.

And if you're the mag that offers the most money, you get the pics – along with a strange stipulation.

You could never print the term Brangelina behind your glossy cover again.

hecklerspray has been selling pictures of its kids since way before it was cool. Why, a headshot of our darling Wednesday fetched us almost ten dollars once – almost enough to pay for the two dozen multi-colored barrettes we had to buy for the shoot. We're not bragging about that, we just want everyone to know that financially we're wizzes.

Then celebrity baby pics turned into a fad, and even B-movie background characters tried hocking their spawn.

The golden pony of all baby pics though has got to be the two Angelina Jolie is about to simultaneously spit out while holding Brad Pitt's hand that isn't operating a hospital-room remote control.

So far bidding for them is around the $16million mark. The Pitt-Jolies are no fools. They know exactly how badly magazines want them – and that's why they've declared that contractually, the winning bid can never use the term 'Brangelina' again.

TMZ says:

"A source in the know tells TMZ that one of the conditions of getting the J-P twins' first pictures is that the winning mag is forbidden from using 'Brangelina'. Multiple sources tell us the couple hates the moniker — but no one more than Angelina."

Well, that'd be no loss to us. Our bidding participation ended at the $25 dollar mark, so we'll not be legally obligated to cease with all Brangelinas, but come August 4 we were gonna start referring to them as 'the Booger-lickers'.

It actually sounds good once you to use it in context. 'The Booger-lickers are starring in another movie together,' 'the Booger-lickers are having another French baby,' or 'the Booger-lickers have been voted America's hottest parents by Elle magazine.' See that? It's got zip.

Most of us don't get the reference, it's just something Stu announced at a fairly recent board meeting.

The mayor of Nice, where Angelina Jolie plans to give birth to her twins, has announced that he's made the unborn tots honourary citizens of the town for the rest of their lives.

What that basically means is that Angelina Jolie's unborn twins now have the right to be treated like French people wherever they are in the world. They'll feel at home no matter what they do – whether it's discussing Sartre over coffee, indulging in some of the world's finest gastronomy or walking around British historical cities really slowly in a huge crowd wearing purple trousers and garish rucksacks and refusing to get out of your way despite your obvious annoyance.

We're really starting to get ticked off with Angelina Jolie's unborn babies, and it's completely down to rampant jealousy. In a few weeks the babies will be born and they'll inevitably get paid millions of dollars by People magazine to roll around on their backs wearing nappies while a man takes pictures of them. But when we try to send People magazine pictures of us rolling round on our backs wearing only a nappy, we get threatened with an arrest. It's not fair.

It's not just that, though – the twins will have more money than us, they'll be more famous than us, they'll be more attractive than us… honestly, if we didn't know that we could pick one of the babies up and hurl it onto the roof of a three storey building but they couldn't do the same to us, we'd be distraught.

And now, to make matters worse, the mayor of Nice has decided to prenatally appoint Angelina Jolie's twins honourary citizens of the city simply because that's where Angelina Jolie wanted to give birth to them. Monsters And Critics reports:

Nice's mayor Christian Estrosi is ecstatic that the Jolie-Pitts are birthing in his city. "That is for the citizens of Nice a very great honor and a great satisfaction… We are very happy for this choice of Mrs. Angelina Jolie and Mr. Brad Pitt and I want to say to them that I wish a lot of joy to them and the babies, and great success for all of their lives. All their lives they will be Nicois and all their life they will be able to come to Nice and we will receive them with great honor."

Now we're not entirely sure what it means for Angelina Jolie's kids to be Nicois – other than that they'll go delicious with a lovely boiled egg – but we're sure they'll both appreciate the honour once they've grown up a bit.

And this is fabulous work for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, too. They famously like to have a different Christmas for each of their adopted children so that the kids never lose their original cultural identity. And now they'll get to have a special French Christmas every year, too – it's kind of like the Christmas we enjoy, only everyone tries as hard as they can to look as if they're not really enjoying it.

Anyway, on hearing this news we've decided we're going to boycott France from now on – because as well as Angelina Jolie's babies, Russell Crowe's last kid has been given given the French treatment as well.

Listen, if we're going to France, we don't want to be treated like shit because a spoilt Hollywood child with a Mickey Mouse citizenship has ordered its bodyguards to throw us off a park bench whenever its feet are getting sore – we want to be treated like shit because of an ingrained nationwide sense of cultural superiority. Is that too much to ask?

No such luck, we're afraid. Yesterday Angelina Jolie's obstetrician decided to make a sudden statement on her condition. And then, just when the world was holding its breath for something along the lines of "They've been born! And they're beautiful!" what it actually got was "They're not ready yet! Come back in a few weeks!"

So Angelina Jolie isn't going to give birth any time soon, then, although she's going to be staying in her maternity ward until then anyway. We're getting a little tired of all this waiting though – Angelina's got until the end of the week to have her babies, otherwise we go to France armed with a toilet plunger and whatever it is you cut umbilical cords with. Her choice.

Does anyone else get the feeling that Angelina Jolie is toying with our emotions? All we want is for her to give birth to her twins and then pose on the front of People magazine holding them so we can look at our own babies, realise they'll never be as attractive or successful as Angelina's and sell them to gypsies in disgust.

But will she do that? No she blinking won't. Angelina Jolie would much rather just percolate her babies for what seems like an age, teasing us with the occasional mistimed fakeout or sudden-seeming visit to a maternity clinic just to keep us excited in the meantime.

But now it looks as though we can all sit back and chillax for a while, because Angelina Jolie's obstetrician Michel Sussmann has told everyone that Angelina isn't going to give birth to her babies any time soon, as Yahoo reports:

He said her hospitalization "was scheduled for a long time… This is not an emergency situation," he added. "Her hospitalization at this stage in her pregnancy is totally normal for a patient who had a Caesarean (section) during her first pregnancy." The doctor said she would remain in the hospital until the babies are delivered and that could be "in the weeks to come."

Weeks? That's no fun – we want to see what Angelina Jolie's babies look like now, even if we have to crawl up there with a ladder and a flashlight ourselves.

It all seems a little bit fishy, doesn't it? Angelina Jolie usually goes to such great lengths to distance herself from the paparazzi, and now she's paying a doctor to tell the world's media that she's going to be holed up in one very specific building for several weeks? It doesn't add up. What's going on?

One theory is that Angelina Jolie has already given birth to her twins but she rejected them, and that she's being kept in hospital while a team of experts paint the babies brown and send them to Africa so that she can fly there and adopt them. It might not be completely true, though, given that we just made it up.