As the only man in history to ever father a child, Ricky Martin is in demand at the moment to explain what it’s like.
Although they were born in the summer, Ricky Martin has decided to show off his baby twins Valentino and Matteo for the first time in People, while describing exactly how spiritual he feels when they smile or cry or poo or whatever.
Ricky Martin is raising the twins alone as a single father, so they obviously won’t be breastfed. Not because Ricky is a man and therefore can’t lactate, but because his nipples are probably already manky and chewed up and stuff.
Previously, if Ricky Martin ever invited you to take a look at his twins, you’d be well advised to run like hell before he either got his nipples or testicles out and introduced you to them by name. We don’t know if he does that or not, by the way, but he does give off that kind of vibe, doesn’t he?
But if Ricky Martin asks if you want to see his twins now, you’re probably a bit safer because he has actually become the father of twins – two boys born in the summer named Valentino and Matteo. True, the babies might just be an elaborate front for the testicle-baring set-up of his that we’ve obviously just invented, but let’s not go too far down that road, eh?
Anyway, it’s been a few months since Ricky Martin fathered his twins, and Ricky, children and Surrogate Female Birthing Pod 765-N are doing well enough for Ricky to show the kinds off in the new edition of People magazine, as AP reports:
Says Martin: “I’m so happy! Everything they do, from smiling to crying, feels like a blessing. Being a father feels amazing. This has been the most spiritual moment in my life.” And Martin says: “I’m the one who changes the diapers, the one that feeds them, the one that bathes them, the one that puts them to sleep.”
Ah yes, we believe it’s in the Bible that the essence of spirituality is defined as ‘waking up in the morning with a bad stomach and having to open a shit-filled nappy that smells like a backed-up sewer line on the Equator and then wiping up the overnight poo-smear off the buttocks of a tiny screaming ungrateful animal that’s simultaneously squirting a hot jet of piss into your eye’. Matthew 3:16, if we remember correctly.
But good for Ricky Martin for not playing by the celebrity baby rulebook. He deserves the money that People magazine is paying him for the baby pictures. That money, incidentally is, wait, let’s work this out… Angelina Jolie sold pictures of her twins for $14 million… divide that by the amount of time since people last thought of Ricky Martin as a celebrity… minus a mother… carry the three…
Oh, our calculations say that Ricky Martin is actually paying People to publish the pictures. Our mistake. Congratulations anyway, we guess.
The Dread Pirate Sausage! says
I just cried.
Suzy says
You have a cruel sense of humor. Too bad you can’t just be happy for him.