Ben Affleck’s arseholeishness has been proven in his film choices, his J-Lo relationship and his fondness for schoolboy deodorant commercials. But lately there’s been less arseholeishness – first he directed a film that wasn’t horrible, and now he’s given his new daughter a non-horrible name.

Ben Affleck’s new daughter is called Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck. An only slightly weird name followed by two normal alternatives? We pray that Jennifer Garner chose the name – a reality where Ben Affleck isn’t an arsehole is too horrible to consider.

As we all know, different celebrities have different ways of naming their children. Victoria Beckham chose the ‘geographical location’ technique, while Pete Wentz adapted it to invent the ‘geographical location plus Disney character‘ technique. Meanwhile, we think that Lisa Bonet placed a dictaphone next to a man in the throes of an epileptic fit, played the tape back in reverse and tried to phonetically transcribe his garbled squeals for help, because God knows that’s the only logical way anyone could come up with a name like Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa.

And faced with berserk competition like that, it’s no wonder that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner delayed the naming of their newborn second daughter. How could they possibly top a name as impenetrable as Bonet’s? An all-consonant name? A 500-word paragraph of arbitrarily-typed Wingdings? The name ^^?

No. Instead, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have done the unthinkable and given their new daughter a name that is actually, by celebrity standards, quite nice – Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck.

It actually shows a lot of care and thought on the part of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. Although Seraphina is a pretty and angelic name in itself – if a little tiny bit wanky – the baby can easily shorten it to Sera or just chose to call herself Rose or Elizabeth instead if she grows up to be embarrassed by it. We’ll be honest – it’s not a level of forethought we expected from a man who agreed to star in Gigli, Daredevil AND Pearl Harbour.

But why Seraphina? What meaning could it possibly have? Luckily, People has more:

While no explanation was offered for the name, or if she was named for anyone, one Web site specializing in the origin of names refers to Seraphina as “derived from the Biblical word ’seraphim,’ which was Hebrew in origin and meant ‘fiery ones.’”

Oh thank God. Seraphina means ‘fiery ones’. We can’t tell you how relieved we are to hear that – it looks like Ben Affleck named his daughter after her penchant for relentless explosive diarrhoea. On reflection that is actually kind of arseholeish. Relax everyone, the panic’s over.

Now Ben, never scare us like that again, you hear?

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She’s just had a baby. According to reports, Charlotte Church and her boyfriend Gavin Henson have just welcomed their second child, a baby boy, into the world.

Although the baby hasn’t been named yet, reports are suggesting that he’s just like Charlotte Church. Apparently he screams a lot, often seems bewildered, constantly grasps at anything that comes close to him and has a sense of humour that seems to primarily revolve around pooing uncontrollably into his own underwear.

Hey everyone, remember Charlotte Church? Of course you do – she was the little girl with the voice of an angel and the scary red eyes of a habitual alcoholic of no fixed address. You remember – one minute she was performing alongside Pavarotti and the next minute she was stumbling around Cardiff at 3am with her skirt tucked into her knickers trying to get off with the front window of Snappy Snaps.

That was all a long time ago, though. Charlotte Church is no longer the innocent young operatic toddler or the permanently-drunk teenage rebel who once released an album that we’re still convinced was about wanking. Now, you see, Charlotte Church is a mother.

The last interesting thing to happen to Charlotte Church was when she gave birth to a girl in 2007. After that Charlotte Church kind of disappeared from view. Rumour had it that Charlotte Church had decided to live a hermetic life completely off-grid, with both her heat and light requirements being provided by the ridiculous orange skin of her rugby-playing boyfriend Gavin Henson.

But now Charlotte Church is back! She’s back to tell us that, um, she’s had another baby. BBC News reports:

The baby arrived just after midnight and weighed 7lb 5oz. Both mother, 22, and son are said to be “doing just fine”, according to her website. A message was posted on the singer’s website, just before 1430 GMT, saying: “Charlotte has literally just this minute phoned us to let us know that she gave birth to a little boy today. He was born just after midnight at her and Gavin’s home with Gavin in attendance at the birth.”

It’s an exciting time, for sure. We can’t wait to hear more details about Charlotte Church’s new baby boy. Is he like his father in the way that he looks a bit radioactive and it takes him twelve full hours to do his hair properly, or is he like his mother in that he’s been signed to front a series of unfunny television commercials for Virgin Travel? It’s so exciting!

Although not as exciting as the news that Charlotte Church wants six babies in total. Given that she’s averaging about 16 months between babies at the moment, that sort of means that Charlotte Church won’t have enough time to be properly newsworthy until the middle of 2013, hopefully by which time we’ll have been incapacitated by a coronary or something else that means we won’t have to write about her any more.

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Why? Because there’s a very good chance you’ll be able to spell or pronounce your names by the time you’re 35. That’s not a luxury afforded to the brand-new child of former Cosby Show star Lisa Bonet, though, because Lisa Bonet has decided to give her baby son the worst name of any human being ever.

Ready? Lisa Bonet has called her son Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. Again, that’s Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. We believe it’s Native American for That Kid Who Everyone Beats Up.

As any parent will tell you, naming a child can be hard – you have to weigh up how well it reflects the baby’s still-developing personality, whether its name will be suitable when it reaches adulthood, whether or not it can be twisted to become a playground taunt – and if that’s the case for you, let Lisa Bonet teach you her little baby-naming secret.

First, you need to make a list of the top five options for your baby’s name. And then you just put them in a row and, bingo, baby’s named.

Actually, that’s a lie. Lisa Bonet didn’t do that at all – she picked five names, spelled them out in Scrabble tiles, put all the tiles in a bag, shook the bag as hand as she could, blindly drew the tiles out of the bag and just named the baby with the arbitrarily-chosen words that resulted. She must have done. That’s literally the only way we could ever understand her naming her baby Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa.

Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa, for crying out loud. What, it’s not enough that she’s known for being Denise Huxtable in The Cosby Show, Mickey Rourke’s sex partner in Angel Heart and the woman who inspired It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over by Lenny Kravitz? Lisa Bonet also wants to go down in history as the woman who chose the most hamfisted-ever name for a baby and the woman whose baby-naming techniques possibly stray closest to actual child abuse? That’s just greedy, Lisa Bonet. Greedy.

But, no, let’s give Lisa Bonet’s mother-in-law the opportunity to explain why Lisa inexplicably decided to call her baby Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa, shall we?

“drum roll please….Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. He was born on the stormest, rainy night, so Nakoa(warrior) … Mana(strength/spirit) Kaua(rain) po(dark)… The name was always going to be Nakoa-Wolf, but Jason did the research on first middle name, 2nd middle name as you know is Jason’s.”

Oh, well that’s alright then. Actually, the name Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa is more than just a hodge-podge of vaguely inspirational words listed in an as-good-as-dead language. We’ve also heard that if you say it three times into a mirror at midnight, a monster appears and eats you. True story.

Anyway, congratulations to Lisa Bonet, her husband and her desperately unfortunate child. We’re sure they’re all thrilled that, because of them, somewhere in the world a crestfallen Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are having miserable, passionless sex because they can’t stand only having the world’s second-most rubbishly named baby and think they can come back with something even worse next time. For that, Lisa Bonet, we salute you.

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We’re pretty sure that it was one of the following two scenarios: 1) Jennifer Garner’s baby refused to come out until it was promised a helicopter and a suitcase of money, and an FBI negotiator had to talk it down to a scooter and a shiny penny, or 2) Jennifer Garner’s baby realised that Ben Affleck was its father and decided to stick it out in the womb.

Either way, Jennifer Garner had a baby girl yesterday. So there.

Technically Jennifer Garner has been in hospital waiting to give birth to her second child since last year, which seems like an inordinately long time for something that most women manage with nothing more than 45 minutes and a stick to bite down on.

We don’t know why Jennifer Garner spent so long in hospital. It certainly doesn’t seem like she was experiencing any complications, so we’ll just presume that the baby took its time and all the old midwife tricks – like trying to violently shake the baby out or tying an uncooked steak to Jennifer Garner’s thigh and waiting with a net – didn’t work.

But the whys and then hows don’t matter any more, because Jennifer Garner has finally given birth to a baby girl that’s completely healthy aside from however much of Ben Affleck’s DNA she decided to absorb on the way out. Reuters reports:

Actress Jennifer Garner gave birth to her second child in Los Angeles on Tuesday, People magazine reported. The baby girl, whose name was not disclosed, was healthy, People quoted a spokesperson as saying. No other details were provided.

This is the second child for Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck – their first daughter Violet was born in 2005, and is now educationally developed enough to tactfully change the subject every time one of her peers brings up Gigli.

However, even though it’s taken a full week of what we imagine to be relentless vein-popping straining, any joy that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck feel towards the birth of their new daughter is bound to be tinged with bitter disappointment. After all, Rebecca Romijn also gave birth this week and, since she named her babies Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip, it means that Jennifer Garner’s baby isn’t even going to have the second-silliest celebrity baby name of the week.

That’s unless Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner can pool their resources and dig deep to think a name even more staggeringly dreadful than those of the Romijn twins. It’s a hard job, and we’re sure Affleck and Garner would appreciate your suggestions in the comment box below. We’ll get the ball rolling with Rhododendron Clusterminge.

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No, apparently Jennifer Garner is having a baby. Or she’s had a baby. Or she’s about to have a baby. Nobody really seems to know. Jennifer Garner checked into a hospital on New Year’s Eve with Ben Affleck, and she’s darned if she’s not coming out without a baby.

So congratulations to Jennifer Garner. And double congratulations if the baby ends up more like you than Ben Affleck. And triple congratulations if he’s not the father. Happy new year!

When it comes to heavy, almost overbearing symbolism, giving birth to a baby at the start of a new year is about as good as it gets. Both signify a fresh start, a blank canvas on which it seems that anything is possible. Both come with a mixture of excitement and trepidation for the future. And, a few months in, you’ll be chronically sleepless, covered in shit and wondering what the fuss was all about. They’re identical.

So with that in mind, we should all be jolly envious of Jennifer Garner, because if she hasn’t had her new baby already, then she’s going to have it any minute. According to reports, Garner and husband Ben Affleck have been holed up in a Los Angeles hospital waiting for the baby since New Year’s Eve. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Actress Jennifer Garner has sparked reports she’s planning to ring in the New Year with a new baby after checking into a California hospital. The star is nine months pregnant with her second child, and she and husband Ben Affleck were spotted entering Los Angeles’ Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.

Lucky old Jennifer Garner, we can totally relate to what she’s going through – although Ben Affleck has only ever caused us to scream and writhe around in agony for hours on end that time we thought we decided to try and watch Bounce all the way through in one go, not because he knocked us up with an actual baby.

Of course, this won’t be the first time that Jennifer Garner has given birth to one of Ben Affleck’s children – back in 2005 she gave birth to their first daughter Violet – but it is the first time that we’ve doubted Affleck’s paternity.

Sure, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck might be in a loving, monogamous relationship – but wasn’t it just over nine months ago that Gary Busey drooled across Jennifer Garner’s neck on the Oscars red carpet? Doesn’t she realise that one atom of Busey dribble is more potent than an entire ocean of human sperm? If we were her we’d keep a hammer by the side of the bed, just in case the baby comes out with big buck teeth, weird googly eyes and a horrifying lack of self-awareness. You can’t be too careful.

So Jennifer Garner has either had a baby or she’s about to – that’s the good news. The bad news is there’s now another mouth to feed and Ben Affleck isn’t exactly going to be able to provide for everyone by directing surprisingly decent but barely-watched arthouse movies about abducted children all the time. So this time next year when Changing Lanes 2 is rush-released, remember that it wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for Ben Affleck’s randy loins, OK?

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Lance Armstrong, you see, has got his girlfriend pregnant. And since he’s only got one testicle, that’s impressive. It’s just like that time God knocked up the Virgin Mary with baby Jesus, really, but better because God almost definitely hasn’t had sex with Sheryl Crow or one of the Olsen Twins.

So congratulations to Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend. Truly this is the greatest Christmas present of all. Or, more accurately, the greatest Christmas present that’ll crap everywhere and grow up to resent everything you’ve done for it.

Lance Armstrong is a modern-day hero, for all kinds of reasons. His incredible run of Tour De France wins prove that he’s a master of strength and endurance, his battle with cancer is proof of his insurmountable spirit and he can also hang out with Matthew McConaughey without smacking him across the back of the skull with a shovel and tipping him into an abandoned well, making him more tolerant than about 98% of other human beings.

But Lance Armstrong won’t go down in history for any of these things. No – the thing that most people will remember Lance Armstrong for is his incredible dedication to having it off with every single famous woman who strays within 30 feet of him. The list is endless – Lance Armstrong has had it off with one of the Olsen twins, with Kate Hudson and even with Sheryl Crow until she cried.

However, Lance Armstrong’s legendary swordsmanship will have to come to an end now, because he’s only gone and accidentally knocked up his girlfriend Anna Hansen. You know how it is – you’ve both had a few drinks, things start hotting up and the next thing you know you’re going through a physically and emotionally painful course of in vitro fertilisation with sperm that you had frozen right before you started an agonising course of chemotherapy to treat your testicular cancer. We’ve all been there. People reports:

Lance Armstrong and girlfriend Anna Hansen are expecting their first child together, the cycling champ tells PEOPLE. “Anna and I are thrilled to confirm that we are expecting in June and our families are ecstatic and grateful,” he says in a statement. “We are very much looking forward to what 2009 brings on many fronts.” He adds: “We appreciate respecting our privacy, as we are both eager to celebrate the holidays as a family.”

So congratulations to Lance Armstrong for beating the odds yet again, and double congratulations to Anna Hansen, for a) convincing Lance Armstrong to get you pregnant after being with him for what can feasibly only be about three or four months and b) finally taming the wild stallion for good.

After all, it’s not as if Lance Armstrong is callous enough to leave a woman shortly after she’s given birth to his children, is it? It is? That’s exactly what he did with his last wife?

Oh, OK, scrap that last bit.

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But cool your jets, world. Pete Wentz doesn’t roll like those other celebrity idiots. True, he does roll like those other celebrity idiots in that he’s got a stupid haircut, a humiliatingly-named baby and he married one of the Simpson girls without really thinking it through first, but Pete Wentz definitely isn’t selling his baby photos to a magazine.

Bronx Mowgli’s just too precious for that. Plus it’ll mean that now Pete’ll make a crapload from selling the reality TV show rights. A crapload.

We don’t know about you, but we’re all celebrity babied out this week. Seriously, Ricky Martin’s mechanically-farmed twins have absolutely given us our fill of looking at the offspring of people we almost certainly wouldn’t be able to spend more than 30 seconds around in public before hurling ourselves out of the nearest window.

So we should be thankful to Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson, then, because they’ve decided not to sell pictures of their baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz to the highest bidder. On his blog, Pete Wentz wrote:

About baby pics gossip: truth is like every celeb couple we were offered mounds and mounds of money by mags from here to Guam to pimp out the baby. We just don’t want to go down that road with him. We are not placing judgment on those that do as they often use the money in a very charitable way. However, we have made the decision to not sell Bronx’s baby pictures right now.

That’s a shame, because we heard that babies created by half of the rhythm section from a second-rate emo band and a woman who’s famous because she’s the sister of a woman with moviestar pretensions even though she’s never been in a single decent movie tend to go for millions.

But still, it’s weirdly noble that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have decided not to sell their baby photos to a magazine for cash. And we’re sure that Bronx Mowgli will grow up to be eternally grateful because they chose not to exchange a photo of him looking like an unrecognisable lump of flesh for millions of dollars that they could have put in a trust fund to pay for his education. Really.

Oh, we’re just kidding. Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson obviously want their son to be brought up as normally as possibly – at least until little Bronx Mowgli realises that not every child has a name that’s a composite of a geographical location and a Disney character, of course, because that’s the day that Bronx Mowgli will be arrested for stabbing his parents to death, and that isn’t very normal at all.

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So congratulations to Kelly Rutherford, who we’re told is a) a star of Gossip Girl and b) pregnant. We’re not experts on Gossip Girl or pregnancy, but we hear one involves backache, uncontrollable mood swings, a slack bladder, nausea and rabid constipation. The other one is pregnancy.

This will be Kelly Rutherford’s second child, following the birth of her… really, are you still actually reading this? Are people genuinely interested in Kelly Rutherfords’s pregnancy? Weirdos.

There’s a certain step-by-step guide that older American TV actresses need to follow when they get pregnant, because pregnancy at an advance age is fraught with danger. It’s essentially the guide laid out by Marcia Cross from Desperate Housewives, so in the next few months we’re expecting to see 40-year-old Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl demand that all her scenes are filmed in her own bed, partly as a safety precaution and partly because she’s embarrassed that the naked photos she took of herself have been leaked onto the internet.

Oh, and also Kelly Rutherford needs to also give her baby a name so stupid that’ll ensure it gets bullied at school, passed over for jobs in adulthood and dies alone and bitter at a tragically young age, but that’s de rigeur for all celebrities anyway, not just middle-aged women off the telly who’ve got themselves knocked up.

But, yes, Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl is pregnant. You know, Kelly Rutherford. She plays the mother in Gossip Girl. Gossip Girl, you know. It’s a bit like The OC, except not as many people care about it because we’re all that much older now. Anyway, if you don’t recognise Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl, then maybe you’ll recognise her for her role in E-Ring. No? Her role in Threat Matrix? No? Her role in Backflash 2: Angels Don’t Sleep Here? No? Her role in Melrose Place? Anyone?

Oh, anyway, look, someone called Kelly Rutherford is pregnant, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Philly Burbs reports:

Kelly Rutherford is expecting her second child! A rep for the 40-year-old Gossip Girl star says she has a June due date. Kelly also tells people that the Gossip Girl set is very kid friendly so she won’t have to worry what to do with the newborn when she is filming. “We have such a nice set because people bring their kids and their dogs. It looks like we’re running a doggy daycare in the makeup room. It’s really something.”

Regardless of the fact that we don’t really know who she is, we wish Kelly Rutherford all the best for her pregnancy. As she no doubt knows herself, a baby is a like a little unwritten book, and nobody can ever be certain what its life will hold. Maybe it’ll discover the cure for cancer. Maybe it’ll just be content to stay at home and raise a family of its own. Or maybe it’ll become as famous as its mother.

If that last one’s the case, you shouldn’t really bother learning its name, by the way.

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Both outcomes are hideously expensive – any therapy you had would last for decades and the legal bills you’d rack up from climbing a clocktower and blasting away indiscriminately at strangers for an hour as revenge for the years of teasing would be immense – so it’s just as well that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have already worked out a way to set Bronx Mowgli Wentz up with a fortune.

According to reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz could command anything up to $2 million from magazines in exchange for exclusive photos of the baby. The money would go a long way to help clean up all the gallons of poo, pee, snot and runny vomit that the couple have found themselves living amid this last week. Or they could use it to wipe up the mess that baby Bronx Mowgli made instead. It’s up to them.

He may have only been born a week ago, but nevertheless it’ll still go down in history as the happiest week of baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz’s life. Over the coming days, weeks and months Bronx Mowgli will start to develop sentient thought, and then it’s all going to go tits up.

In time, Bronx Mowgli will discover that the bad noise he’s constantly forced to listen to is what his father does for a living, that the glowing orange woman with the Tonka truck jaw who keep visiting him is actually his aunt and – worst of all – that people keep saying the stupefying phrase ‘Bronx Mowgli’ around him because that’s actually his sodding name. We wouldn’t like to be him when he works that one out.

But it’s not all bad news for Bronx Mowgli Wentz, because there’s a very good likelihood that he’ll be richer than his wildest dreams in the next week or two. Although he’s just the lowly son of the bassist from the world’s sixth most interesting emo band and a woman primarily famous for being the sister of another woman who had a reality TV show once, exclusive baby photos of Bronx Mowgli Wentz could fetch anything up to $2 million. Monsters And Critics reports:

Publicist Howard Bragman said: “I see Ashlee and Pete coming in at the low seven figures mark. Two million seems like a good, solid figure for Ashlee and Pete. It’s a two-celeb couple, so that’s a boost for them. Keep in mind, last year, Ashlee was the girl who sang along to the tape recorder. It was a PR nightmare. Now, she’s a newlywed and a new mom, so she’s a lot more relatable.”

Two million dollars seems like quite an optimistic figure for pictures of Bronx Mowgli Wentz, doesn’t it? Remember that Christina Aguilera was only paid $1.5 million for her baby photos and it turned out that nobody could be bothered to get excited about them. And since Christina Aguilera is a woman who most people have actually heard of, it wouldn’t seem like Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are in for a monster payday.

Cuh. First no free BMW and now a potentially reduced fee for pictures of their baby? Why, it’s almost like nobody really cares about Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, isn’t it?

But, however much Pete and Ashlee do end up getting for their baby photos, at least Bronx Mowgli Wentz can grow up in the knowledge that his parents got to spend that money on whatever exciting crap they wanted. Not like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s twins, who could only look on helplessly as their parents donated their fee to charity. The stupid charity-loving idiots.

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So, by deciding to name his firstborn child Bronx Mowgli Wentz, Pete Wentz opened up a real can of borderline child abuse. In fact, the outrage over the name Bronx Mowgli Wentz has been so huge that Pete Wentz has been forced to explain the vast secrets behind its meaning. Ready to have your minds blown?

OK – he and Ashlee Simpson chose Mowgli as a name because they quite like The Jungle Book. Astounding, we know. But Pete Wentz wants to keep the meaning behind the Bronx part of the name a secret. He won’t have much luck, though, because scientists have already boiled the meaning down to either a) Pete Wentz quite likes the Bronx, b) Ashlee Simpson quite likes the Bronx or c) they are both clueless fartwhumps.

Conspiracy theorists, it’s time to go home. We know you got excited when Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson decided to name their baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz because you thought that the only explanation a name that judderingly shit is that it was part of some shadowy Da Vinci Code-style authoritarian cabal. But, really, it’s not that interesting.

It’s not even that the initials of Bronx Mowgli Wentz deliberately spell BMW because Pete Wentz wants a new car. It’s not even that, for God’s sake.

After putting up with literally seconds of idle speculation about why he and Ashlee Simpson settled on Bronx Mowgli Wentz – although, to be fair, most of that speculation did revolve around the notion that he and/or Ashlee Simpson had developed some sort of horrible degenerative brain disease – Pete Wentz has had enough. He’s ready to finally tell the world the complex meaning behind Bronx Mowgli Wentz. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Wentz reveals Mowgli was inspired by the lead character in Rudyard Kipling’s classic story, but he’s refusing to reveal why they chose Bronx, also the name of one of New York’s five boroughs. Speaking on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show on Tuesday, Wentz says, “‘The Jungle Book’ was something that me and Ashlee bonded over. It’s a cool name”.

Firstly, congratulations to the San Francisco Chronicle for suggesting that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simspon fell in love over a piece of classic Rudyard Kipling literature instead of the less impressive probable truth – that Ashlee Simpson saw a big dancing bear with coconuts for boobs on a cartoon once and she laughed until a fart came out.

Secondly, that was hardly much of a bloody secret, was it Pete Wentz? “You know the only recorded use of the word Mowgli in any medium in all of history? Yeah, we named him Mowgli because of that.” Thanks for filling us in, Pete. We would have been completely in the dark without your help.

Honestly, you can’t just name your babies after things you like. We happen to like watching lots of degrading pornography, but we’re hardly going to call our children Butt Sluts 4, are we? What if this catches on, Pete Wentz? What if Jessica Simpson falls pregnant and decides that she wants to name the baby after something she likes? Did you ever think of that?

Because, honestly, we’re sure that the last thing Bronx Mowgli Wentz wants is a baby cousin called Shitawful Reality Show Sham Marriage Simpson.

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How wrong we were. According to some reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz may have settled on Bronx Mowgli Wentz because then they’d have a baby with the initials BMW, vastly increasing the chance of BMW giving the couple a new car as a way of thanking them for the unofficial endorsement of their brand.

But that hasn’t happened. A BMW spokesman has been quoted as saying that Bronx Mowgli Wentz wouldn’t be getting a free car, not even on his 16th birthday. You know what this means, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz? It’s back to the drawing board. In nine months’ time, baby Tassimo Easyjet Argos PlayStation Tizer Wentz is going to turn your luck around!

Bronx Mowgli Wentz. It’s been four days since Ashlee Simpson gave birth to Pete Wentz’s baby and the name still hasn’t sunk in.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz. It’s not even a bad name – it’s a name that’s bordering on evil. At least Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt can use his middle name to avoid schoolyard bullying. But what’ll happen if Bronx Mowgli does the same? He’ll not only get beaten up, but he’ll get beaten up by children screaming “Oobee doo, I wanna be like you-ooh-ooh!” into his crying face. And that’s obviously worse.

But still, at least Bronx Mowgli Wentz will have a successful future career as the author of several A Child Called It-style misery-lit memoirs entitled things like What Kind Of Idiot Names Their Son Bronx? and My Surname Was Already Wentz, You Didn’t Have To Make My Other Names Stupid Too. And that’s just as well, because Bronx Mowgli Wentz sure as hell isn’t getting a free car out of it.

You see, Bronx Mowgli Wentz’s name is so stunningly bad that some people have felt the need to try and explain it away, because an explanation – any explanation – would help rid them of their fear and confusion. And the most convincing explanation so far is that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz opted for Bronx Mowgli Wentz because then he’d have the initials BMW, which would automatically entitle him to a free car.

But, as someone from TMZ with too much time on their hands discovered, nobody’s getting a free car. Not now, and not in the year 2024 either:

We contacted BMW, who told us: “A new born baby is a magical moment for any family and we are happy that their son shares the same initials as us, but as for a free car on his sixteenth birthday we can not make any promises.”

Now that’s not because giving cars to anyone who happens to have the initials would be a dangerous precedent that would bankrupt the company in months, but because by the time Bronx Mowgli is 16 it’ll take a decade of back-breaking labour just to afford to fill a car with enough petrol to get to the shops and it’d no longer be economically viable.

Either that or because everyone at BMW thinks that Fall Out Boy are a pile of shit. Both theories are perfectly acceptable.

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But not even the biggest advocates of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz’s thundering lunk-headedness could have been prepared for the sheer life-ruining awfulness of the name that they’ve chosen for the son that Ashlee gave birth to yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, may we introduce you to little Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

But don’t think that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz chose the name Bronx Mowgli Wentz on a whim – three weeks ago Pete Wentz told Ryan Seacrest that they wanted to meet the baby before they settled on a name. So presumably Bronx Mowgli looks like a cartoon gargoyle and he’ll be raised by animals. We don’t think we need to verbalise what we’re all thinking, do you?

We’re not exactly pregnancy experts, but it’s a fair assumption that Ashlee Simpson’s new baby boy is going to take over the world and as a precaution we should all start digging bunkers in our gardens or nearest municipal open space as quickly as possible.

It only makes sense. By our calculations, Ashlee Simpson was pregnant with Pete Wentz’s baby for the best part of a decade, and that means that the baby probably became so prenatally developed that we expect it looked like naked Arnold Schwarzenegger from the start of Terminator by the time it was born yesterday. As our dear old granny used to say, never trust a baby that’s bigger than you, especially when it’s half-emo.

That’s right – after months of outright lies about how pregnant she was, Ashlee Simpson last night gave birth to her first baby. That’s not particularly a big surprise – Ashlee Simpson has been so baby-logged for the last few weeks that those around her have been quite openly discussing the possibility of inducing labour, and even Pete Wentz tried to scare the baby out by singing at it – but now the baby is here. E! Online reports:

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and her rocker hubby Pete Wentz welcomed son Bronx Mowgli Wentz, their first child together, Thursday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. The baby boy weighed in at 7 pounds, 11 ounces and measured 20 1/2 inches. “Ashlee, Pete and baby Bronx are all healthy and happy, and thank everyone for their well wishes,” a rep for the couple told People.

Ah yes, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have chosen to call the baby Bronx Mowgli. How could we forget? Maybe in days to come we’ll discover exactly why Ashlee and Pete chose to name their first son Bronx Mowgli, but for now we’d imagine it’s down to one of three reasons:

1 - Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz both decided to give the baby a name each, with Ashlee picking the name of a symbolically wide-eyed and innocent literary figure and Pete Wentz opting for the name of the band behind classic pop hits such as Shitty Future and Rape Zombie.

2 - Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz decided that the ‘Location + Disney Character’ baby-naming system would be a formula that could easily be reused for any other children they have, which is why Bronx Mowgli’s siblings will be called Chicago Pumbaa and Titty Ho Tramp.

3 - Both Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are actually mental and they hate their baby.

Of course, we’re only joking. It’s obvious why Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz decided to give their firstborn child a name as stupid as Bronx Mowgli. It’s because the child will be so obsessed with trying to work out what in the hell his parents were thinking when they named him that he’ll never get round to counting back nine months from his birthday and working out that his mother and father only got married because daddy knocked mummy up by accident and felt obligated to marry her out of a gnawing sense of guilt.

Clever Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. They’re always one step ahead.

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And this fierce sense of anti-establishment also includes the way she raises her daughter. When most moviestars have children, for example, they’ll sell pictures of the baby to a magazine for millions of dollars. But not that’s not how Nicole Kidman rolls.

Similarly when most moviestars have children, they’ll give interviews about how great it feels to be a mother and how wonderful their child is. But, again, Nicole Kidman doesn’t roll that way – which is why in her first big interview since the birth of her child, Nicole Kidman didn’t seem to do much except for shriek about how she doesn’t want to die and how she can’t stop crying. Attagirl, Nicole.

Nicole Kidman has been a mother for several years now, but that doesn’t count because a) her kids are adopted and b) they were adopted with Tom Cruise, which means they probably live in a cage with their eyes pinned open watching pro-Scientology propaganda interspersed with scenes from The Last Samurai. Probably.

So when Nicole Kidman gave birth to a baby daughter earlier this year, it was just like becoming a mother for the very first time. And with that birth came a wave of violently intense new emotions that Nicole Kidman had to deal with.

Admittedly you wouldn’t know it – over the last few years Nicole Kidman’s face has become so morbidly expressionless and bat-like that the only emotions she’s able to convincingly display are ‘ennui’, ‘mild displeasure’ and ‘corpse’ – but she has.

No, really, the birth of her baby has left Nicole Kidman in such a state that, as far as we can work out, she can’t stop crying because she’s always thinking about death. The Boston Herald reports:

“I’m raw and emotional… I cry even thinking of her. But they are tears of joy. Because I suppose I never thought I would get to (have a baby). To have been given it so late in life – I’m so ready for it… It’s very bittersweet. Because at 41, I think, ‘I want to see her 21st birthday, and I want to see her get married.’ My relationship with death used to be far more ambivalent… now it’s very much about staying in the world.”

Thinking logically it won’t be too hard for Nicole Kidman to stay alive until her daughter’s 21st birthday because by then she’ll only be 62 years old. And it’s not like she’ll be exhausted by the pressures of work either – it’s been so long since Nicole Kidman made a film that anybody actually liked that she should probably start thinking about semi-retirement as it is.

Because, honestly, it seems as though Nicole Kidman has got such a good handle on this motherhood lark that she should probably turn her hand to writing parenting guides, starting with a book for new mothers in their forties entitled NO! I DON’T WANT TO DIE! I’M SO AFRAID! ARRRRRRGH!

Or something.

Allegedly. Allegedly Jennifer Aniston has something growing in her stomach, and for once it’s not the burning desire to be the centre of attention or a little voice going “Feeeed meee! I’m so hungryyy!” Allegedly, you see, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer’s baby. Oh, and they’re getting married as well. Allegedly.

If this is true, we can’t help feeling that this is a mistake. If Jennifer Aniston wants to get her revenge on Angelina Jolie so much, then she shouldn’t be getting pregnant from a pasty white American like John Mayer – she should be getting pregnant from a Cambodian. And an Ethiopian. And a bloke from Vietnam. And probably a couple of Indians and a some Chinese men. All at once. On the internet. It’s the only way.

We’re eternal optimists here, which is why we refuse to believe that Jennifer Aniston is unlucky in love. We prefer to think of her as really lucky at living her increasingly desperate-seeming life out on the cover of magazines regardless of how emotionally needy it makes her look as a person. See? That’s much better.

But now, after fruitless relationships with Brad Pitt and Vince Vaughn and that man who looked a bit like Brad Pitt if you got drunk, held a piece of gauze over your eyes, squinted and tilted your head to a very precise angle, it looks like Jennifer Aniston has found lasting happiness with John Mayer – a man she went out with briefly, then got dumped by, then sort of got back together with and has now possibly got pregnant by. If that’s not a recipe for lasting happiness, we just don’t know what is.

No, seriously. Things have apparently got so serious between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer that Mayer has allegedly knocked Aniston up. And, what’s more, Jennifer Aniston is supposed to have proposed to John Mayer as well. You hear that noise? That’s the sound of planet Earth sliding into hell. According to Showbiz Spy:

Jennifer Aniston has proposed to John Mayer, according to tabloid reports. The pair recently rekindled their relationship after finding out Aniston was pregnant. And now, a source tells Star, “John sent Jennifer a series of romantic emails – but she said she would only take him back if they got married, and he agreed. “They both know this is it. She wants to settle down, and finally, so does he.

Personally we’re not going to believe a sniff of this until we see actual, lasting physical proof. We’re not going to believe that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are getting married until their wedding photos have been ruthlessly sold to as many tabloid magazines as they can possibly manage. And we’re certainly not going to believe that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant until we see a baby.

And even then we’re not going to fully believe that the baby was fathered by John Mayer. Not until we have total unquestionable proof that the baby is half Aniston and half Mayer. That’s right, we want it to have a big pointy chin, stupid girly hair and a singing voice that makes us want to kick our own mouths off. Sure, it’ll probably set the progress of humanity back a generation or two, but at least we’ll know.

Contrary to yesterday’s reports, it’s been announced that Jamie Lynn Spears definitely isn’t pregnant. And that comes from one of the most trusted sources around. No, not a doctor or a family member or Jamie Lynn Spears herself – we’re talking big league here.

How big league? Unnamed person who lives in the same town as Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother and would expect to have probably been told about it already if it was true big league. So, in summary, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because her mother hasn’t been skipping down the street haphazardly blabbing her family’s dark secret to random strangers. We hope that clears things up.

Even though the economy is in freefall and we’re plummeting towards global recession and there’s every chance we’ll all finish this week huddled round a brazier cooking rats on sticks in ill-fitting secondhand clothes, the really terrifying news didn’t come from the financial world at all.

No, the really terrifying news was that Jamie Lynn Spears was eight weeks pregnant even though she only gave birth to her last baby three and a bit months ago. Actually, the really terrifying news was that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again because she spuriously believed that your fanny stops working when you breastfeed, but we’ll leave that one particular nugget alone for the time being.

However, even though the report originally claiming that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again was full of believable touches – like the way that Jamie Lynn Spears couldn’t stop crying when she found out, or that her mother Lynne Spears was ‘hysterical’ at the news, it turns out that it was all wrong.

In actuality, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant at all. We know this because an anonymous stranger who could live in a tree for all that anyone knows said so. E! Online reports:

A source who lives in Jamie Lynn’s native Kentwood, La., tells E! News: “I talk to [her mom] Lynne all the time. Believe me, she would have mentioned if that little girl is expecting again. That’s just a bunch of made-up crap.”

Actually, as theories go, that’s probably fairly untouchable – Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because one arbitrary nobody who just happens to live quite near Lynne Spears hasn’t heard about it. It’s not that Lynne Spears was trying to keep the secret under wraps because she’s ashamed or anything. Don’t be silly.

Genius. In fact, we’re so impressed by this theory that we’re going to base our entire belief system around this wise Kentwood sage – if they don’t know about it, we’re going to say with 100% certainty that it doesn’t even exist. The Higgs boson particle? A bunch of made-up crap. The planet Neptune? A bunch of made-up crap. Toothpaste? A bunch of made-up crap.

But let’s just say this source is right, and Jamie Lynn Spears really isn’t pregnant again. You know what this means? You really can’t get pregnant while you’re breastfeeding! Get to it, new teenage mothers!