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Cancer

Michael Crichton: An Appreciation

by Stuart Heritage

Sad news – author Michael Crichton has died after a battle with cancer, it has been announced. He was 66.

While some will say that Michael Crichton’s legacy will be Jurassic Park, the best-selling novel that was turned into movie phenomenon; or ER, the TV series he created from his own experiences as a doctor; or even Westworld, the movie he directed that was exactly the same as Jurassic Park except with a bald-headed robot cowboy instead of dinosaurs, they are respectfully wrong.

For us, Michael Crichton will be remembered for one thing and one thing only – this video. It’s the climax to the movie adaptation of his novel Congo. Evil gorillas have never been brutally dismembered by a laser gun inside a volcano more gracefully. Michael Crichton, you will be missed.

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Patrick Swayze Really Not A Fan Of The Whole Cancer Thing

by Stuart Heritage

The last time Patrick Swayze had a second chance it was in the movie Ghost, and he used it to cut a bloke in half with a window.

And now Patrick Swayze has been given another second chance, and this one is perhaps even more remarkable. When he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, Patrick Swayze was supposedly given five weeks to live. That was back in March, and not only has Swayze not died, but he’s also managed to star in a TV show in the meantime as well.

So Patrick Swayze has hit the promotional circuit, giving a bracingly upbeat interview to the New York Times where he revealed how proud he is of his continued recovery while admitting that chemotherapy is ‘hell on wheels’. It must be working, though, because Swayze is doing a fairly good impression of a man on the mend. Maybe our dream of seeing Red Dawn 2: Zombie Commies get made wasn’t so stupid after all.

The last time Patrick Swayze had a second chance it was in the movie Ghost, and he used it to cut a bloke in half with a window. And now Patrick Swayze has been given another second chance, and this one is perhaps even more remarkable. When he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, Patrick Swayze was supposedly given five weeks to live. That was back in March, and not only has Swayze not died, but he's also managed to star in a TV show in the meantime as well. So Patrick Swayze has hit the promotional circuit, giving a bracingly upbeat interview to the New York Times where he revealed how proud he is of his continued recovery while admitting that chemotherapy is 'hell on wheels'. It must be working, though, because Swayze is doing a fairly good impression of a man on the mend. Maybe our dream of seeing Red Dawn 2: Zombie Commies get made wasn't so stupid after all.
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WEBTHUMP! Thursday 30 October 2008

by Stuart Heritage

9 – A French man gets his arm stuck down a toilet. Ha ha ha – BBC

8 – Please let this be true: Guy Ritchie’s Madonna: The Movie – Holy Moly

7 – A slightly disgusting miles per gallon calculator for your own body – Carconnection

6 – Baconnaise. Exactly what it sounds like it is Thank you, geniuses – Holytaco

5 – An acorn cakelet pan! – Bakingbites

4 – The title of every single unmade music biopic ever – Best Week Ever

3 – Christopher Nolan dissects a scene from The Dark Knight. Fails to answer the question “Hey, what’s up with Batman’s silly voice?” – LA Times

2 – You know what we wish existed? Wine based on The Sopranoes. What? It exists?! – Videogum

1 – Jamie, a longtime hecklerspray reader, has been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. He’s keeping a spiffy, abnormally testicle-heavy, blog about it, though, so go read it and cheer him up – Cancerouscapers

9 - A French man gets his arm stuck down a toilet. Ha ha ha - BBC 8 - Please let this be true: Guy Ritchie's Madonna: The Movie - Holy Moly 7 - A slightly disgusting miles per gallon calculator for your own body - Carconnection 6 - Baconnaise. Exactly what it sounds like it is Thank you, geniuses - Holytaco 5 - An acorn cakelet pan! - Bakingbites 4 - The title of every single unmade music biopic ever - Best Week Ever 3 - Christopher Nolan dissects a scene from The Dark Knight. Fails to answer the question "Hey, what's up with Batman's silly voice?" - LA Times 2 - You know what we wish existed? Wine based on The Sopranoes. What? It exists?! - Videogum 1 - Jamie, a longtime hecklerspray reader, has been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He's keeping a spiffy, abnormally testicle-heavy, blog about it, though, so go read it and cheer him up - Cancerouscapers
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Paul Newman’s Dead – What Does Arnold Schwarzenegger Think?

by Stuart Heritage

This weekend, the world lost Paul Newman to cancer – a sad but hardly surprising piece of news, given his age and ill health.

However, although he may have physically passed away, Paul Newman will never really die – he’ll live on forever in our hearts and minds with both his indelible, iconic movie roles and also his yummo salad dressing.

When someone as legendary as Paul Newman passes away, it’s only natural for other celebrities to share their memories of the deceased with everyone. So, as such, we’ve decided to pass on perhaps the most relevant tribute of all – Paul Newman’s co-star in Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid, The Sting and Termintor 3: Rise Of The Machines, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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Jade Goody Continues To List Everything Terrible About Herself

by Stuart Heritage

It must be bittersweet to be Jade Goody at the moment – true, she’s been diagnosed with cervical cancer, but at least she’s back on magazine covers again.

And that seems to have triggered something weird in Jade Goody’s brain. Since getting cancer has made her famous and liked again, Jade has taken it on herself to keep the momentum going by recounting awful periods of her life to various publications while photographers take pictures of her crying.

Following yesterday’s revelation that she once smoked crack in front of her mother, Jade Goody has now revealed that she was once kidnapped by a fake taxi driver. God knows what Jade will admit to tomorrow – maybe she once got sexually abused by some cattle or bought a pair of shoes made of tumours or something – but at least we know that this isn’t the most depressing Jade Goody news that we could hear. No, that’d be that they’re letting her back on the telly.

It must be bittersweet to be Jade Goody at the moment - true, she's been diagnosed with cervical cancer, but at least she's back on magazine covers again. And that seems to have triggered something weird in Jade Goody's brain. Since getting cancer has made her famous and liked again, Jade has taken it on herself to keep the momentum going by recounting awful periods of her life to various publications while photographers take pictures of her crying. Following yesterday's revelation that she once smoked crack in front of her mother, Jade Goody has now revealed that she was once kidnapped by a fake taxi driver. God knows what Jade will admit to tomorrow - maybe she once got sexually abused by some cattle or bought a pair of shoes made of tumours or something - but at least we know that this isn't the most depressing Jade Goody news that we could hear. No, that'd be that they're letting her back on the telly.
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Jade Goody’s Boyfriend Banged Up Forever (18 Months)

by Stuart Heritage

Remember Jack Tweed? He was Jade Goody’s boyfriend on Celebrity Big Brother; you know – silent, wears a hat, attacks teenagers with golf clubs.

Yeah, now you remember. Anyway, Jack Tweed has just been sentenced to 18 months in prison for doing one of those things. That’s right – Jack Tweed went to prison for wearing an illegal hat. What a disturbing criminal this man is.

Oh, OK, not really. In actual fact, Jack Tweed smashed a 16-year-old boy in the face, head and chest with a golf club, the scamp . It’s terrible news for Jade Goody – first she got cancer and now Jack Tweed’s gone to jail. Still, on the plus side at least nobody’s calling her ‘Pig-faced Big Brother racist Jade Goody’ any more. That has to be worth something, right?

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Paul Newman to ‘Die at Home’, Has ‘Weeks to Live’

by Ian Dransfield

It may well be out of character for hecklerspray to be genuine twice in a day, but Paul Newman is a better reason than any to break with tradition. The 83-year-old has reportedly been told he has weeks to live following chemotherapy treatment for lung cancer and, when confronted with the news, he told doctors [...]

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Patrick Swayze Punches Cancer In The Arse

by Stuart Heritage

The more eagle-eyed among you will have noticed that Patrick Swayze isn’t as dead as he’s supposed to be.

Four months ago Patrick Swayze was diagnosed with a particularly vicious bout of pancreatic cancer that we were told would kill him within weeks. Now, though, PatrickSwayze has surprised everyone by looking remarkably healthy – so what gives?

According to Patrick Swayze himself, his apparent recovery is a ‘miracle’. Miracle schmiracle, we say – it’s obvious that Patrick Swayze is doing so well because of a) impressive advances in oncology and b) Patrick Swayze’s realisation that royalties from sales of Ghost DVDs have rocketed since he got cancer and if he hangs around long enough he’ll be able to afford a speedboat.

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Paul Newman ‘Doing Nicely’, World Breathes Sigh of Relief

by Ian Dransfield

There was a golden age in the movies when actors acted, when movies were interesting and when men were MEN. It was an age of moralising without snobbery, with heroes you wanted to be and leading men you wished you could just hug and say ‘thank you’ to. Paul Newman is a man from that [...]

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Cancer-stricken Patrick Swayze to make TV comeback

by David Schwartz

From DIETPIXIE- It seems nothing really can put Patrick Swayze in a corner. Just a few months ago, the Dirty Dancing star had weeks to live after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. But it was reported this week that 55-year-old Patrick Swayze is actually returning to work. Yes, you heard that right: cancer-stricken Patrick Swayze [...]

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