Remember Jack Tweed? He was Jade Goody’s boyfriend on Celebrity Big Brother; you know – silent, wears a hat, attacks teenagers with golf clubs.
Yeah, now you remember. Anyway, Jack Tweed has just been sentenced to 18 months in prison for doing one of those things. That’s right – Jack Tweed went to prison for wearing an illegal hat. What a disturbing criminal this man is.
Oh, OK, not really. In actual fact, Jack Tweed smashed a 16-year-old boy in the face, head and chest with a golf club, the scamp . It’s terrible news for Jade Goody – first she got cancer and now Jack Tweed’s gone to jail. Still, on the plus side at least nobody’s calling her ‘Pig-faced Big Brother racist Jade Goody’ any more. That has to be worth something, right?
We don’t have any scientific proof for this, but we’re pretty sure that wearing a trilby actually turns you into a monster. Look at Pete Doherty – pre-trilby he was the lovely bloke from The Libertines, then he puts on a trilby and goes to jail. Similarly, Blake Fielder-Civil was compelled to kick a pub landlord’s face in as soon as he put a trilby on. Then there’s the worst offender of all – Patrick Truman from EastEnders, whose trilby made him think sexy thoughts about Pat Butcher. Disgusting.
And now Jade Goody’s ex-boyfriend Jack Tweed has joined the trilby monster club by getting sentenced to 18 months in jail for beating up a boy with a golf club. The Times reports:
Tweed pleaded not guilty and denied any knowledge of the assault at his trial in July, but at today’s sentencing his lawyer said, in mitigation, that his client had lost his temper after being the victim of “sustained abuse” by local youths… Andre de Moller said Tweed had attacked Daniel in order to teach the teenager “a lesson”.
Frankly we didn’t think that Jack Tweed was capable of such violence, but only because it requires the brainpower to necessitate basic motor skills and – from watching his exploits on Celebrity Big Brother last year, where he basically acted like an amoeba with a Zara storecard – we just didn’t think he had it in him.
However, the timing of Jack Tweed’s conviction genuinely could have come at a worse time. Jade Goody’s just been diagnosed with cervical cancer and – if the front covers of every single magazine we’ve looked at for the last fortnight are correct – Jade’s understandably quite distraught about it.
Without Jack around, who’s going to be there for Jade? Her crazy one-armed lesbian mother? Oh please. And that’s all she’s got – well, her and the depressingly large slice of the population who’ll rush out and buy Jade Goody’s inevitable ghostwritten book My Struggle, but that’s it. No wonder Jade calls Jack her rock.
True, that’s mainly because he’s completely inert, devoid of any signs of life and painful when struck into the face of a 16-year-old boy, but you get the picture.