It must be bittersweet to be Jade Goody at the moment – true, she’s been diagnosed with cervical cancer, but at least she’s back on magazine covers again.
And that seems to have triggered something weird in Jade Goody’s brain. Since getting cancer has made her famous and liked again, Jade has taken it on herself to keep the momentum going by recounting awful periods of her life to various publications while photographers take pictures of her crying.
Following yesterday’s revelation that she once smoked crack in front of her mother, Jade Goody has now revealed that she was once kidnapped by a fake taxi driver. God knows what Jade will admit to tomorrow – maybe she once got sexually abused by some cattle or bought a pair of shoes made of tumours or something – but at least we know that this isn’t the most depressing Jade Goody news that we could hear. No, that’d be that they’re letting her back on the telly.
You wouldn’t want to be Jade Goody at the moment. OK, to be fair you wouldn’t want to be Jade Goody ever. In fact, most right-minded people would rather deliberately suffocate themselves in horse diarrhea than be anything like Jade Goody. But you especially wouldn’t want to be her now.
The reasons are too numerous to mention, but since Jade Goody is perhaps one of the only cancer sufferers in the country to also have a one-armed lesbian mother, an incarcerated boyfriend and a public reputation as a bit of a hateful racist, she just doesn’t seem like someone you’d want to particularly swap with, does she?
But, by a tragic coincidence, exactly one week after Jade Goody was seen sobbing her heart out on the cover of a million magazines because she’s got cancer, Jade Goody can now be seen sobbing her heart out on the cover of a million magazines because she’s got an autobiography coming out and promoting that seems to require her to dredge up every last gruesome event that’s ever occurred to her in public while a photographer snaps away at her miserable face.
Yesterday, of course, was ‘Jade Smoked Crack’ day, where Jade Goody admitted to smoking crack to make her mum stop smoking crack, even though that sounds like admitting to sitting in front of Weightwatchers eating a KFC Bargain Bucket to stop the lardies from eating so much.
And today? Well today Jade Goody has decided to inexplicably tell the world that a bloke kidnapped her once by pretending to be a taxi driver. Now reports:
The reality star, 27, and her then boyfriend climbed into his car thinking it was a cab. But when the driver dumped Jack Tweed, 21, in the middle on nowhere, Jade panicked. She managed to overpower him and get out of the vehicle. ‘I didn’t know what to do, then instinct kicked in,’ she writes in new book Jade: Catch A Falling Star. ‘It was to grab the driver’s head and begin hitting him as hard as I could.
It’s terrible, isn’t it? Why would anyone want to kidnap Jade Goody? All you’d end up with is a dumpy woman tied up in the corner of your house and a migraine from all her nasally bellowing. Jade Goody, hand on heart, would be one of the last people we’d kidnap.
Worse still, Jade Goody’s got a new perfume coming out soon as well, called Controversial. If she’s going through all this emotional anguish for a book, imagine what she’ll do for something that she doesn’t even have to read. Honestly, it’s going to be like the last few scenes of Requiem For A Dream, except a bit more council.
Mithaearon says
Snow white, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are sitting in a pub with their mates.
Snow white says “Theres no doubt about it, I’m the fairest in the land”
Tom thumb says “Theres no doubt about it, I’m the smallest in the land”
Quasimodo says “Theres no doubt about it, I’m the ugliest in the land”
Their mates tell them to prove it by going to the magic all-knowing mirror, and the three head off.
A few minutes later, the door of the pub bursts open and Snow White runs in and says “Its official…I’m the fairest in the land!”
Shortly afterwards, the door again bursts open and Tom Thumb runs in and shouts “Its official…I’m the smallest in the land!”
Five minutes later, the door gets kicked in and Quasimodo storms in and bellows “Who the Fuck is JADE GOODY?”
Joke Police says
I haven’t seen Requiem for a Dream yet, but when I do, I will now probably laugh. Thankyou.
Shooty* says
“But when the driver dumped Jack Tweed, 21, in the middle on nowhere, Jade panicked”
OK, that raises two questions: 1. Is Jack Tweed so stupid that he confused his house with “the middle of nowhere”, and was quite content to be told “You can get out here, jack?”
OR
2. did he have a moment of clarity and jump out while it was still moving?
Would love to know the enthnicity of the taxi driver she then started pummeling.
Joke Police says
I just watched Requiem for a Dream.
I didn’t laugh.