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Batman

Coming Soon To Cinemas: The Dark Knight, Whatever That Is

by Stuart Heritage

Phew, the summer movie season is over – now we can enjoy the more thoughtful awards season movies instead, like, um, The Dark Knight.

You see, even though every single living organism on the face of the Earth has already been to see The Dark Knight about 17 times already, producers are scared that the Academy will forget about it come Oscar nomination time, which is why they’ve pencilled in another theatrical release of The Dark Knight for January.

Of course, by January The Dark Knight’s bloated special effects are going to look foolish up against the more intelligent, issue-led fare of awards season, which is why Christopher Nolan is currently busy re-editing the movie to make Batman look like the widower of mentally-disabled United Nations worker killed in Darfur by a missile built in Iraq but funded by the American government, who are obviously the real baddies in all of this.

Phew, the summer movie season is over - now we can enjoy the more thoughtful awards season movies instead, like, um, The Dark Knight. You see, even though every single living organism on the face of the Earth has already been to see The Dark Knight about 17 times already, producers are scared that the Academy will forget about it come Oscar nomination time, which is why they've pencilled in another theatrical release of The Dark Knight for January. Of course, by January The Dark Knight's bloated special effects are going to look foolish up against the more intelligent, issue-led fare of awards season, which is why Christopher Nolan is currently busy re-editing the movie to make Batman look like the widower of mentally-disabled United Nations worker killed in Darfur by a missile built in Iraq but funded by the American government, who are obviously the real baddies in all of this.
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Weekend Box Office: The Dark Knight Continues To Widdle On Everything

by Stuart Heritage

First the bad news – The Dark Knight lost over half of its audience at the weekend box office compared to last week.

Now the slightly better news – that still meant that The Dark Knight pulled in $75 million in sales this weekend, over $45 million more than its next best rival. Clearly, The Dark Knight is something of a weekend box office phenomenon.

So what can a forthcoming film – say, Vicky Christina Barcelona – do to match The Dark Knight’s weekend box office success? Easy – have Penelope Cruz killed by an accidental overdose and then convince Woody Allen to beat up his own mother a day after it opens. Also, if they could make the film inordinately long and so morally heavyhanded that it may as well be delivered by a wild-eyed redneck preacher, that’d be great too.

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Christian Bale Went Spazzy Over Sister Cash Request: Claim

by Stuart Heritage

Christian Bale is easily our hero of the week – his dedication to clown-attacking even extends to his own clown mother, for god’s sake.

But, in all of this possibly-illegal motherclown-beating kerfuffle, one question has stood out above all others – what makes a newly-minted megastar like Christian Bale start whaling on his mother and sister on the happiest day of his life?

Turns out the reason might be cash. According to reports today, Christian Bale kicked off after his sister asked him for £100,000 to help raise her three children. Frankly we’re disgusted – doesn’t Christian Bale know that all children have the right to receive occasional gifts of more than the average British annual working wage that their mother has managed to guilt out of their moviestar uncle? Shame on you, Mr Bale. Shame on you indeed.

Christian Bale is easily our hero of the week - his dedication to clown-attacking even extends to his own clown mother, for god's sake. But, in all of this possibly-illegal motherclown-beating kerfuffle, one question has stood out above all others - what makes a newly-minted megastar like Christian Bale start whaling on his mother and sister on the happiest day of his life? Turns out the reason might be cash. According to reports today, Christian Bale kicked off after his sister asked him for £100,000 to help raise her three children. Frankly we're disgusted - doesn't Christian Bale know that all children have the right to receive occasional gifts of more than the average British annual working wage that their mother has managed to guilt out of their moviestar uncle? Shame on you, Mr Bale. Shame on you indeed.
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Christian Bale Becomes New Superhero: Bailman

by Ian Dransfield

Method acting must be great – it provides a surefire way of behaving like something of an idiot in polite society. That is, unless you decide to go home and assault your mum and sister, as it was alleged Christian Bale had gone and done yesterday. That takes things a bit far, away from the [...]

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Batman Christian Bale Arrested For Allegedly Beating Mum And Sister Up

by Stuart Heritage

So you’re Christian Bale; you’re the star of The Dark Knight – one of the biggest movies ever – but Heath Ledger’s stolen your acclaim.

What do you do to redress the balance? Simple, you go a bit mental, attack your mother and sister and get arrested on suspicion of assault for it. True, it might not be the obvious way around the problem, but it’s what Christian Bale seems to have done.

So with Heath Ledger dead and Christian Bale arrested for assault, it seems like The Dark Knight might be carrying a dark curse. We’ll know for sure as soon as Michael Caine climbs up a church tower and starts firing a machine gun at passers-by and crying, but for now it’s just a pretty strong hunch.

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Weekend Box Office: The Dark Knight Now Roughly Bigger Than Jesus

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s some hardly very surprising news – The Dark Knight is the number one movie at the weekend box office this week.

More than that, though, The Dark Knight is the biggest-ever movie at the number one box office – to the tune of $155 million. That’s even more than Spider-Man 3 managed. The Dark Knight better than a film about Kirsten Dunst doing a dance about some eggs? Wow, that is good.

What’s more impressive is that The Dark Knight managed to be the best ever movie at the US weekend box office even though it’s an overlong pitch-black morality tale made notorious by the death of one of its stars. That means that The Dark Knight is also the most depressing box office megahit since at least Big Momma’s House 2 came out.

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Christian Bale All Like ‘More Batman Please’

by Stuart Heritage

It’s not out yet, but The Dark Knight looks set to be the second biggest movie of the summer starring a freaky dead guy who gives us the creeps, after Indiana Jones.

And Christian Bale seems to think that The Dark Knight will be such a success that he’s itching to make a third Batman movie already. Bale says he’s looking forward to seeing whether Christopher Nolan can top the artistry and emotional intensity of this film, and that he’d love to be a part of it.

Yeah yeah yeah – listen, Christian Bale can spout as much nonsense about artistic worth as he likes, because we all know why he wants to make another Batman film. It’s because Batman law quite clearly states that the third Batman movie in any series is the point where the Bat-nipple comes into play. You’d have to be a crazy person to turn down the Bat-nipple.

It's not out yet, but The Dark Knight looks set to be the second biggest movie of the summer starring a freaky dead guy who gives us the creeps, after Indiana Jones. And Christian Bale seems to think that The Dark Knight will be such a success that he's itching to make a third Batman movie already. Bale says he's looking forward to seeing whether Christopher Nolan can top the artistry and emotional intensity of this film, and that he'd love to be a part of it. Yeah yeah yeah - listen, Christian Bale can spout as much nonsense about artistic worth as he likes, because we all know why he wants to make another Batman film. It's because Batman law quite clearly states that the third Batman movie in any series is the point where the Bat-nipple comes into play. You'd have to be a crazy person to turn down the Bat-nipple.
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Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee – Together At Last! Again. Again. Again.

by Ian Dransfield

Pamela Anderson seems to wish she could return to the past – to a time before hepatitis, miscarriage, divorce, Rick Salomon and definitely, definitely before Kid Rock. The whole world wants to return to that particular time. But the particular time she seems to want to return to is the one where a drummer from [...]

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Heath Ledger Immortalised Forever As A Tacky Action Figure

by Matthew Laidlow

There are some people who say that you attract even more fame for yourself once you’ve kicked the bucket. Princess Diana, Elvis, 2pac, Marilyn Monroe and John Lennon all still have an iconic following.

This year, Heath Ledger unexpectedly joined that list after he died from an accidental drugs overdose. Hollywood was in shock as a talented young actor was taken away from us. The news also allowed a few inevitabilities, too. Actors and actresses would unite in grief – from those who had worked with him and those who hadn’t – and the unreleased films Ledger had been working on would be certain box office smashes, plus someone somewhere would cash in along the line. And we’ve just discovered what they’ll be cashing in with.

The Heath Ledger doll.

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Prepare to feel happy, then crappy.

Folded:

* 2008: a good year for old movies (with an all-new Indy, Batman, Bond and Rambo coming out, at least one of them has to be alright)

* One Tree Hill (nah, only kidding)

* www.shutterstock.com (sell your photos online. Nude Vogue models and an outrageous expense account here we come)

* The Simpsons Game on PS3 (not much more than yet another Castle of Illusion riff, but at least as funny as the recent bloated movie)

* Ripping an unwanted credit card apart with your teeth (not as hard as you might think – and might get you a free drink if someone is drunk enough to bet you)

Creased:

* Pizza for one (has anyone been full after one of these? Ever?)

* P.S. I Love You (if comedy leprechauns made a movie, this would be the awful-but-far-too-funny-to-be-offensive result)

* Carrying a comb in your pocket (for anyone under the age of sixty this should be a whipping offence)

* Thorntons chocolates leftover after Christmas (sickly after one and we’ve got four boxes to finish)

* Movie stuntmen from the 1950s (brave and everything, doing stunts without wires, but that old ‘leap and roll’ every time they get punched in a fight now looks like a typical premier league football match after the likes of Bourne and new Bond)

Prepare to feel happy, then crappy. Folded: * 2008: a good year for old movies (with an all-new Indy, Batman, Bond and Rambo coming out, at least one of them has to be alright) * One Tree Hill (nah, only kidding) * www.shutterstock.com (sell your photos online. Nude Vogue models and an outrageous expense account here we come) * The Simpsons Game on PS3 (not much more than yet another Castle of Illusion riff, but at least as funny as the recent bloated movie) * Ripping an unwanted credit card apart with your teeth (not as hard as you might think - and might get you a free drink if someone is drunk enough to bet you) Creased: * Pizza for one (has anyone been full after one of these? Ever?) * P.S. I Love You (if comedy leprechauns made a movie, this would be the awful-but-far-too-funny-to-be-offensive result) * Carrying a comb in your pocket (for anyone under the age of sixty this should be a whipping offence) * Thorntons chocolates leftover after Christmas (sickly after one and we’ve got four boxes to finish) * Movie stuntmen from the 1950s (brave and everything, doing stunts without wires, but that old ‘leap and roll’ every time they get punched in a fight now looks like a typical premier league football match after the likes of Bourne and new Bond)
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