Premiership footballers? Not exactly the most likeable bunch in the world, are they?

Never has failure been rewarded so richly than in the top flight of English football. Apart from maybe the banking sector – but that’s a whole different story. They turn up for a few hours of training four days a week, play a match at the weekend and sometimes in midweek and earn a fortune doing it.

Sickening, isn’t it? Jealous? You bet we are.

You would not mind so much if they were any good at what they do, but the vast majority of teams in the Premiership are now populated by dross. And as for the England team – don’t even get us started. The point is, with just about everything going for them, you would think they would appreciate how lucky they are.

Far from it – in fact the vast majority spend most of their time whinging about one thing or another. Like, how terrible it is to be picking up only £50,000 a week playing for a Champions League team.  Like, how you moved to a club in some northern outpost in England and was disgusted to find out that the women were ugly. Like, how terrible it is that we go out on a night out posing for the cameras with your celebrity girlfriend, only to find out the papers have some rather less-flattering photos of you with some tart you banged a couple of months ago which they would rather print instead.

Our advice to Premiership footballers – shut up! Just shut up!

We have no interest in what you have to say or do other than questions such as, ‘did you really mean to elbow your opponent in the face?’, ‘do you think it’s right to dive for a penalty?’, and ‘are you a cheating, overpaid football mercenary?’ OK, rant over. Anyway, there are, of course, some footballers who go even beyond this.

Some players who fans love to hate. Sure, jealousy and bitter club rivalry play a big part, but there are some footballers who are simply horrible people. Arrogant, smug, violent, lying, cheating thugs. Here are our suggestions for the most hated.

Enjoy, and please send us your choices – God knows- there is enough to choose from!

We feel a lot better now.

12. Didier Drogba – Chelsea

How could someone who has the build of a heavyweight boxer fall down so easily? Plus, there was that girly slap he gave Manchester United defender Nemanja Vidic in the Champions League final. Even Chelsea fans are starting to see the light – and that does not happen too often.

11. Kevin Davies – Bolton

Looks like a choirboy – tackles like one which has been systematically abused for years by randy, violent and sweaty priests. If ever there was a footballer in need of some anger management, it’s Bolton ’striker’ Davies.

10. Emmanuel Adebayor – Manchester City


It’s never a good sign when even your own fans dislike you. Adebayor owed a lot to Arsenal and manager Arsene Wenger but still ended up swanning off to the first club to wave a wad of cash under his nose. To make matters worse, he is not as good as he thinks.

9. Wayne Rooney – Manchester United

At least when Kevin Davies fouls someone, he usually gets booked for it. Granny whore lover Wayne Rooney, on the other hand, seems immune to censure – despite the fact he spends most of the time hacking down players who had the audacity to take the ball off him and then the next 20 minutes whinging about it. The fact the lifelong Everton fan also likes to wind up the supporters who used to adore him also makes him a number one candidate to break into the top three very soon.

8. Joey Barton – Newcastle (OK, not Premiership any more, but just wanted to vent some spleen)

Where do we start? Hopefully, the electric chair. Never has a small measure of footballing talent been wasted on such a worthless piece of human rubbish.

7. Lee Bowyer – Birmingham City

Same as Barton – only take out the reference to footballing talent.

6. Rio Ferdinand – Manchester United

Undoubtedly talented – but his show, when he ‘merked’ fellow members of England’s World Cup 2006 squad will live long in the realms of hell.

5. Emmanuel Eboue – Arsenal

Moan, moan, whine, whinge, moan… Just shut up and go.

4. El Hadj Diouf – Blackburn

OK, so he’s a bit of a pantomime villain – always winding up the opposition fans with his antics. But, then again, you don’t usually see Captain Hook spitting on the audience. Boooooooo!

3. Craig Bellamy – Manchester City (Unless he has moved again)

Obviously a keen golfer – just ask John Arne Riise – how else can you explain his hunger to collect as many clubs as Ian Woosnam? Hated by pros and managers alike – and probably his own mother.

2. Cristiano Ronaldo – ex-Manchester United

The little winker. Saved from top spot purely on the basis that he has some talent to back up his disgusting antics. Whether it is diving for a penalty or giving his team-mates a sly little wink after getting someone sent off, Ronaldo is a real number two.

1.    Ashley Cole – Chelsea

Can’t even bring ourselves to talk about him. Shudder.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

But what you don’t see is the sadness behind Cheryl Cole’s eyes. The sadness of a woman whose husband got hammered on booze once and ended up having all sorts of depraved puke-sex with a slapper who wasn’t her.

Actually you can’t see that at all any more, because Cheryl Cole isn’t sad at all. In an appearance on Jonathan Ross to be shown on Friday, Cheryl Cole wore her wedding ring and told everyone that she’s patched up her marriage once and for all. The moral of this story, obviously, is that true love endures. And that if you earn £100k a week you can probably get away with vomiting over a few slags every now and then.

Cheryl Cole has had an excellent year so far. Usually her life is full of boring stuff like squabbles with Lily Allen and not eating much, but this year it’s been pedal-to-the-metal excitement right from the get-go, the lucky cow.

In January it was revealed that Cheryl Cole’s husband Ashley had cheated on her with a rough-looking girl he ended up puking on. This sort of constant public humiliation doesn’t sound particularly brilliant admittedly, but ask yourself this -  would Cheryl still be one of the judges on this year’s X Factor if it didn’t happen?

Well, yes, in all fairness she probably would. But forget that, because this is the story of Cheryl Cole’s uplifting journey – the journey of a victim of infidelity who learnt to soar to ever-greater professional heights by casting off the shackles of marriage and becoming a free woman.

Or at least it would be if Cheryl Cole hadn’t decided to pretend that Ashley Cole had never done anything wrong in the first place and got back together with him. Then it becomes the journey of a victim of infidelity who got a job on a talent show even though she’s stupid and her husband is a wanker.

Anyway, now that she’s on the telly – and everyone knows that being on the telly is the only way you can ever be truly happy – Cheryl Cole is truly happy again, and she’s been on Jonathan Ross to tell everyone that, although it was hard, she’s completely forgiven Ashley and he’s free to go and cheat on her again whenever he wants. Or something. Metro reports:

“I was tempted to put it [the ring] back on – in his head!’ she said. She then defended her husband’s mistake telling: ‘There’s something about celebrities having a perfect life; people need to relax and realise we’re human too. There’s no such thing as a private life in this industry,’ she told Jonathan.

Actually, for all our cynicism, it’s nice to see that a couple like Cheryl and Ashley Cole can put something as serious as serial infidelity behind them in the name of love. Love and definitely not anything else, like the fact that Ashley Cole earns four times as much as the average man’s annual salary every single week. Definitely not that.

Of course, as Cheryl Cole said, we shouldn’t forget that they’re just human and, as such, they’re probably both filled with enormous regret over their actions in the last year. Honestly, Cheryl Cole must be kicking herself about patching up her marriage before she could get a couple of hacky ghostwritten books and a decent reality TV show about her struggle out. That really has to sting.

Ashley, who cheated on his singer and fan of assault occasioning actual bodily harm wife, Cheryl, late last year, apparently received over half the votes in the poll. Well done, Ashley. At least you’re winning something.

It’s got to be hard to top the list of anything. We at hecklerspray can only manage number 45 in a list of the WORLD’S most powerful blogs, after all. But think about it; Ashley Cole is now officially a worse husband than Fred West. Definitely. He is.

And now poor, poor Cheryl has decided to stick with this awful man, bearing through with nothing but £90,000 a week and a choice of sixteen bedrooms to weep in. And she still has the guts to go on the cover of magazines and the front pages of newspapers every single day and talk about her misery. How do you do it, Cher? How? Fuck that guy who wrote a book with just his eyelid, you truly deserve the award for most exceptional human being of all time.

Perhaps it’s the fact that Cheryl had only recently gotten a tattoo which read ‘Mrs. Cole’ on the back of her neck which is giving her pause for thought. But don’t worry, that can be easily sorted. Remember when Johnny Depp split with Winona Ryder and had his tattoo changed to ‘wino forever’? Well, you can’t do that. Your choice of tattoo doesn’t allow for any witty alterations, we’re afraid. You should have thought about this before getting the tattoo you silly billy.

No, what hecklerspray is suggesting is that you dump Ashley Cole and straight away marry Andy Cole. He’s a footballer too, you know. Burnley aren’t quite in the same league as Chelsea but you’ll get used to it. Plus, we bet Andy doesn’t have sex with hairdressers and sick all over them. And he’s black. Problem solved!

Now here’s some advice for you, Ashley. At the very top of the opposite poll Jamie Oliver was voted best husband. So, if you want to get back in the wife’s good books all you need to do is spit in her face, cook an acceptable spag boll and you can shag and sick til your heart’s content.

Oh, and one final thing, Ashley: watch your back, mate. Remember what happened last time a person of colour crossed the path of Cheryl Cole.

Read more:

Ashley Cole voted Worst Celebrity Husband in new poll – Mirror 

[story by Callum de Caestecker] 

Just because Cheryl Cole has taken Ashley Cole back after his constant cheating, it doesn't mean that she's a complete pushover – she's apparently slapped him with a six-month sex ban.

Genius. It's obvious that if you stop having sex with a man who has a known history of shagging other women, he definitely won't go out and shag the first fake-tanned slapper he sees in the first pikey nightclub he goes to. That's a flipping certainty. Someone should give Cheryl Cole a medal.

It's difficult, but we shouldn't judge Cheryl Cole for the way she's behaved over the revelations that Ashley Cole has spent the last few years having freakish vomit sex with all the slags. Sure, if it wasn't humiliating enough to hear sordid newspaper accounts from all the women who Ashley Cole had systematically slept with during their marriage, Cheryl Cole then had to face the further indignity of publicly taking her roving husband back.

And it's easy to judge her because of this. It's easy to say that Cheryl Cole is basically a braindead plaksplonk who's only sticking with Ashley Cole to try and further their brand as a couple and that she'd have ditched him instantly if he didn't earn a jillion quid a second for just punting a ball around in a stadium of booing skinheads for an hour and a half a week. It's easy to, but we never would.

You see, Cheryl Cole has a trick up her sleeve. She may have taken Ashley Cole back, but only on the proviso that he doesn't put his dirty pecker anywhere near her for six months. Ha! That'll teach him. Game, set and match Cheryl Cole. The Sun reports:

A pal of the couple said: "Cheryl has told Ashley there will be no sex in their house for at least six months and although he’s going to find it incredibly hard he agreed to her terms. She wants Ashley to appreciate her and realise what he has got. But he’s a red blooded fella and it’s not going to be easy… Ashley is famous for his ball control but this will be the ultimate test."

If that last sentence wasn't completely paraphrased by a Sun journalist then we're going to weep for humanity. Because, shit punning aside, Ashley Cole isn't famous for his ball control. He's famous for schtupping anything that moves, and also for drunkenly throwing up during it. That last quoted sentence should have read "Ashley has rubbish ball control, and he often pukes over his balls like some sort of hungry self-abusing ball-obsessed Brundlefly." We're going to hold our breath until The Sun changes it accordingly.

Anyway, you might question the common sense of Cheryl Cole punishing a man who happily had sex with other women when she was having sex with him by withholding sex. But Cheryl Cole doesn't care. You can't judge her because you don't know the hurt that Cheryl Cole has been through lately. Well, you won't until she inevitably publishes her tawdry ghostwritten autobiography in time for Christmas, anyway.

That's if this sex ban is even real, anyway – but we're positive that it is. After all, for her to try and salvage a shred of dignity from all this by inventing an imaginary sex ban and making it public so that people think that she's got the upper hand would take some brains. And Cheryl Cole, as if you needed reminding, is a plaksplonk.

Read more:

Cheating Ashley Gets A Sex Ban - The Sun 

And now history has repeated itself. Following the revelation that Cheryl Cole's husband Ashley Cole loved nothing more than to dick a bunch of slappers while throwing up the contents of his guts all over them, Cheryl Cole's arch-nemesis Lily Allen has called a truce.

That's right – the ferocious Allen-Cole war is over. Maybe if politicians were more like Lily Allen the world would be a better place. Although if more politicians were like Lily Allen there'd be a lot more shambling amateurish BBC Three chat shows. Probably best that they're not, then.

We don't know what's going on with the world these days. Everyone's being so nice to each other. First Britney Spears gets less crazy and now Lily Allen and Cheryl Cole aren't at each other's throats all the time. It's bad for business, that's what it is. We're going to have to start sending famous people shoebox turds under the pretence that we're Charlotte Church or everything's going to get so unbearably lovely that we'll have nothing to report any more.

Because, come on, Lily Allen and Cheryl Cole? They're sworn enemies, for God's sake. Lily Allen wrote a sarcastic song about Cheryl Cole, then Cheryl called Lily a 'chick with a dick', then Lily called Cheryl a 'stupid bitch'. Things literally don't any more serious than that.

But now Lily Allen has extended the olive, and for once not so she can reach the higher up shelves at the supermarket. On hearing about Cheryl Cole's predicament with husband Ashley Cole – you know, the one where Ashley cheated on Cheryl by puking on another woman and then Cheryl left him and eventually took him back because she wouldn't be as famous without him – Lily Allen has extinguished their long-running feud by offering her sympathies to her.

Well, alright, not exactly offering her sympathies to her, as such, but telling some people on her awful chat show about it. And the 'sympathy' bit isn't entirely accurate either. Here's what Lily said, according to Marie Claire: 

The star told the audience on her chat show, Lily Allen and Friends: 'A couple of years ago, if I had read the stuff about Cheryl Cole, about her and Ashley, I’d probably have had a little laugh to myself. Now I actually feel sorry for her. I’m not a nasty person anymore.’ She also admitted that her contempt of Cole had arisen out of jealousy of her stunning looks, saying: ‘She’s beautiful, that’s why I hated her so much.’ 

Ah, the old 'transparent self-pity masquerading as forgiveness' tactic. We hear that's how Churchill beat Hitler too, you know. 

But now at least we can all sleep safe at night knowing that Lily Allen and Cheryl Cole are friends again. The world is a better place, especially for Cheryl Cole. After all, nothing makes up for the fact that your husband systematically cheated on you several times with a string of dodgy-looking women like a three-nippled munchkin half-apologising on a TV show that nobody watches.

Read more:

Lily Allen: 'I feel sorry for Cheryl Cole' - Marie Claire 

According to reports, Cheryl Cole took Ashley Cole back during their make or break crisis summit earlier in the week, and now they'll live happily ever after. Apart from her, because she'll have probably turned into a full-blown quivering paranoid wreck before the month is out.

But, hey, there's a moral to this – it's OK to nationally humiliate your wife by throwing up on a variety of other women during sex, because she'll inevitably take you back afterwards. But only so long as you're quite rich. 

To look at Cheryl Cole you'd think she was actually quite a tough cookie. You can see it in her flinty, uptight face, in the way that she had a public spat with Lily Allen, in the way that she allegedly racially attacked a nightclub worker a few years ago, and in the way that she made the line "Something kinda oooh jumping on my toot-toot," sound like the world's most frighteningly violent threat.

It's why once, when Cheryl Cole told Top Of The Pops magazine that "If anyone ever cheated on me they'd be dead!" we all believed her. However, perhaps that was a misquote. Perhaps the full version of what Cheryl Cole said was "If anyone ever cheated on me they'd be dead, unless they're a footballer who earns quite a lot more than me, because in that case I'd probably just ignore it."

Because that's what Cheryl Cole has apparently done. After a flurry of tabloid headlines from girls claiming that – we think – Ashley Cole got a load of girls pregnant with his vomit, Cheryl Cole decided to take her cheating husband back at this week's make or break but probably make meeting. The Mirror reports:

Cheryl Cole yesterday took husband Ashley back after they met for the first time since his cheating was exposed three weeks ago. She told her Girls Aloud bandmates at the Brits: "I want to make my marriage work." And we can reveal Cheryl has met with England and Chelsea defender Ashley, 27, to talk things through. It was believed to have taken place at their country pile in Oxshott, Surrey, yesterday. A source told us: "Chezza's been up and down but she's finally made her mind up. After meeting with Ashley, she laid down the law and told him in no uncertain terms that if he strays again, there will be no second chance."

Unless he does, because there probably will be.

So all of that fuss about Cheryl initially sticking by Ashley and then sort of leaving him a bit, all the headlines and magazine covers and everything, it was all for nothing. In a nutshell, Ashley Cole did it with a load of women who aren't Cheryl Cole, and Cheryl Cole ultimately doesn't mind. We're not sure how Cheryl will manage to cope with taking her husband back – the constant worry, stress and overwhelming paranoia that she's bound to go through every hour of every day from now on stands a pretty good chance of derailing her for good.

But, still, at least there's a decent ghostwritten autobiography in this for her now. So it probably all sort of balances out.

Read more:

Ashis aloud home – Mirror 

Wrong! Just because Cheryl Cole left Ashley Cole, it didn't mean that she's actually left him. Cheryl might even take him back, if she can get over Ashley breaking the sacred marriage vow about only splattering his stomach contents on her during sex til death do them part. 

And that'll all be figured out today as Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole have their dramatic make or break showdown. Which will probably be streamed live on Sky News for all the bloody attention it's getting.

It's literally been the marriage break-up that everyone's been talking about, mainly because it stops them thinking about their hollow little dreary lives. Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole had it all – money, glamour, fame, fights with other celebrities, that weird unsubstantiated rumour about mobile phones and bottoms, as much faithful puke-sex as they could wish for, and then it all went wrong.

But then some random woman claimed that Ashley Cole had vomited on her behind Cheryl's back, and all hell broke lose. First Cheryl stuck by Ashley, claiming that she knew of the encounter but she was convinced it wasn't full barfing they did together. Then more and more puke-and-tell stories came out of the woodwork and Cheryl Cole left Ashley, for a bit at least. 

And since then, both Cheryl and Ashley have tried to get on with their lives as best as they can, even though Ashley Cole is now so hated that he gets roundly booed by his own fans during England matches and Cheryl seems to be doing that uncomfortable divorcee thing of going out in hardly any clothes because the attention she gets from dingy weirdo sleazebags validates her slightly inflated sense of self-worth. But that all ends today.

Because today Cheryl Cole flies back to England to have a crisis summit with Ashley, as The Sun reports:

The cheating Chelsea star will come face to face with wife Cheryl tonight for showdown talks on their crumbling marriage. Cheryl has pondered how to deal with the scumbag Premier League numbnuts during a luxury hol in Thailand… A friend close to Cheryl said: "She feels she needs to give him a a final hearing. But she knows deep down that there’s nothing more he can say. He is guilty as sin and there is no excuse. She is feeling stronger after time away from him and has done a lot of thinking. Cheryl is ready to listen to him, but on her terms. She has a clear head now after the initial upset. Everyone is just hoping that she will keep her resolve and not wobble when she sees him again."

We've never been so excited about a heartbreaking, potentially marriage ending conversation between two people who we've never met and actually hardly think about on a day to day basis. Will Cheryl Cole's resolve crumble enough for her to take Ashley back? Or will she ditch him for good? We just don't know.

Sorry, there was a typo in that last sentence. The words 'don't know' should have read 'can't bring ourselves to even halfway care about such a desperately unlikeable couple of attention-seeking bastards.'

Read more:

Crunch time for Cole on C-day – The Sun 

Brooke, a model, recently claimed that the marauding Chelsea left back managed to slip one into her empty net, having told her that he doesn’t like having a goalie involved, as they ruin the feeling he gets as his ball ripples round the back of the net.

It should be said that it's never been confirmed that Ashley Cole has just the one ball.

And so, as Cheryl doesn’t know where Miss Healy – let alone where Ashley – has been, and with the national papers full each-morning of suggestions that there may be a phalanx of other philanderers, she’s booking herself into the clinic just to make sure she isn’t littered with crabs.

A positive test result would be a terrible blow for the singer, who is no doubt well aware that her vagina is responsible for 98% of her career thus far; if it was to be compromised she knows there’d be an Alton Towers-esque queue of girls, each equipped with a fully functioning fanny, ready to take her place as the Queen of the Karaoke singers. Here’s hoping it is just thrush.

Although, if it is far more serious than that, that’d be good too as we can write a story on it, so do what you want – go crazy, get syphilis for all we care. Just please let
hecklerspray know about it first.

All the best.

Read more:

Cheryl Cole's 'STD Fear' – Entertainmentwise 

Well, it looks like Cheryl's definition of 'temporary' might be 'until the end of time itself' because it's emerged that she's been having talks with a divorce lawyer, and stands to earn around £4 million if she does get divorced from Ashley Cole.

Four million quid. Factor in the thousands of 'Cheryl's heartbreak' magazine deals she'll sign and the new sad ghostwritten autobiography she'll write, and it's starting to look like letting her husband have all sorts of drunken vomit-sex with slappers was the best thing Cheryl Cole ever did.

It looks like Ashley Cole has dug quite a hole for himself. And considering that he dug the hole with his penis, and was so drunk when he was digging it that he kept throwing up over himself, you can't help but admire the guy's tenacity.

If you haven't been following the Cheryl Cole/ Ashley Cole drama – because, say, you've got a life of your own and you can't see the point in worrying about the lives of two people you don't even know, let alone like – then here's a quick recap.

Cheryl Cole is the mouthy one in a pop group who attacks nightclub toilet attendants. Ashley Cole is a footballer who isn't quite as good as he thinks he is. Cheryl and Ashley get married. Ashley Cole starts having unprotected sex with other girls and occasionally vomits on them. Cheryl Cole finds out and keeps quiet. The newspapers find out. Cheryl Cole sticks by Ashley. The newspapers print a load more stories about all the other slappers that Ashley's banged. Cheryl Cole leaves Ashley Cole, but only for a while because she loves him.

Better? OK – so where are we now? Well, Cheryl Cole reportedly hasn't eaten for a week – which is twice as much as she eats when she's on Girls Aloud duties, the fat mare – and newspapers are apparently lining up a billion other kiss and tell stories from women who've additionally got on the wrong side of Ashley Cole's penis.

Oh, and Cheryl Cole's called a divorce lawyer in. The Sun reports:

Cheryl has taken legal advice after the Chelsea star’s romps were revealed last week by The Sun. Girls Aloud singer Cheryl, 24, now accepts Cole, who is worth £10million, betrayed her – after at first defending him from the shock revelations. A well-placed source said: "She knows he has slept with other girls. That is no longer in question and she won’t be pretending he is innocent again. I can’t see her taking him back. He’s begging like a dog – and that is how she sees him. She has taken advice on divorce and it is now a very viable option. She’d be looking at about £4million."

Imagine that, a Cheryl Cole/ Ashley Cole divorce – it'd be just like the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce, only with a fraction of the money involved, infinitely less famous people and fewer amusing instances of women going onto breakfast TV to see how stupidly they can shriek the word 'paedophile.' Plus it shouldn't be all that contested because it looks like Ashley Cole's infidelities are irrefutable.

Still, we shouldn't make light of this news, because divorce is a stressful thing to go through no matter who you are, and Cheryl Cole will need to find all sorts of new ways to take her mind off it. One way she could do this is by throwing herself into work, although let's just pray for humanity's sake that that doesn't happen.

Read more:

Cheryl Consults Divorce Lawyer - The Sun 

Sure, Cheryl may have stuck with Ashley Cole even though she knew he was cheating on her with a bunch of women, and only decided to leave him because she was embarrassed that the papers eventually found out, but apart from that Cheryl Cole's still got her dignity. And she once sang a song called Racey Lacey, but apart from that Cheryl's got dignity coming out of her wazoo.

Cheryl Cole's left Ashley Cole by the way. We think that was our original point.

In retrospect, Ashley and Cheryl Cole were the perfect couple. For anyone who thought that Posh and Becks were too well-bred, or Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin were too intellectually stimulating, or that Michael Owen and whoever he's married to were too flat-out, pedal-to-the-metal rock and roll, there was Ashley and Cheryl Cole. They were just like the rest of us, only richer and thicker.

But now it looks like you'll have to find a new pop star/ footballer couple to become freakishly emotionally invested in even though you've never met, seen or spoken to either of them. Because following last week's claims that Ashley Cole has slept with every single woman on Earth, Cheryl Cole has finally decided that enough's enough. She's ditched him, at least temporarily. Sky reports:

Cheryl Cole is reported to be taking a break away from her husband Ashley Cole. She's said to have left their Surrey home for a secret location, in order to think things over. ITN quotes Cheryl's agent as saying: "They (Cheryl and Ashley) are definitely still together. There is obviously lots of stuff going on at the moment and Cheryl has gone away for a break to clear her head for a few days."

Cheryl's gone to clear her head? Well at least she's given herself a job that shouldn't take too long.

So what's the deal now? Cheryl Cole has left Ashley Cole, even though they're still together? That doesn't make sense. Perhaps what's happened is this – Cheryl Cole has decided to spend a week or two away from Ashley until the newspapers find something else to write about, and then she'll quietly move back in with him and warn him that he'll have to be more careful about who he cheats on her with in the future. After all, she doesn't seem upset that Ashley cheated on her, just that it ended up in the newspapers.

Also, we're hearing that Cheryl Cole is – or at least was – planning to have a baby with Ashley to stop him wandering again. And that's a genius idea – after all, there's nothing that will stop an alleged serial cheat like a screaming red goo-covered alien that'll stop him from having sex with his wife at all for a period of up to six months is there? Why haven't more people thought of that?

Read more:

Cheryl's Hubby Break – Sky 

In fact, the way things are going, there's a chance that Ashley Cole has probably had sex with you, too, in your sleep or when he walked past you when you were climbing up a ladder. But none of it matters, because Cheryl Cole has vowed to stand by her apparently marauding husband.

Funny, we always thought that Sarah Harding was the stupid one from Girls Aloud.

When you marry a top-flight footballer, the instant luxury comes at a price – sure, you get to paint yourself bright orange and waddle around with a handbag expensive enough to support a normal family for two or three years, but it's almost guaranteed that at some point your husband will start banging other women and everyone will think you're a moron.

Look at when David Beckham reportedly had that affair with Rebecca Loos, or when Wayne Rooney was caught with that scabby old prostitute – both Victoria Beckham and Coleen McLoughlin decided to jam their fingers in their ears and trade whatever scraps of self-respect they had left for a collection of Ferragamo belts. And now it looks like Cheryl Cole's going to join that club too.

On Friday it was claimed that Cheryl Cole's footballer husband Ashley Cole had drunkenly had sex with 22-year-old Aimee Walton, breaking off the encounter now again to vomit on the carpet. And this was followed up by other reports that Ashley might have also cheated on Cheryl with a model called Brooke Healy and another girl. So, in the face of these allegations, it's only natural for Cheryl Cole to want to kick Ashley to the kerb as fast as she can, right?

Don't be daft – she wants to stick with Ashley. Cheryl told the News Of The World:

"I've been through an emotional rollercoaster, but I'm determined to be strong. Ashley's a wonderful husband and we ARE in love. I won't let this woman destroy our marriage… Obviously, I felt sick to the stomach. What woman and wife wouldn't? And to be honest I felt humiliated and crushed that this girl was saying these things and people were believing it. I don't want anybody to be angry with Ashley or to judge him—that's my job as his wife."

Yes, this is the same fiery Cheryl Cole who had an angry fight with Lily Allen over who had the biggest penis last year. The same Cheryl Cole who allegedly tried to beat up a nightclub toilet attendant because she looked at her funny. The same Cheryl Cole who you'd be honestly too scared to mess with for fear of having to pick your broken teeth off the floor with a dislocated arm afterwards.

And now she's meekly accepting reports that her husband might be a serial shagger just so she can she can continue being half of the Kwiksave Posh & Becks, even though just about everyone on the face of the planet is urging her to dump him as quickly as possible. Honestly, Cheryl can't have been this embarrassed since she was handed the lyric sheet for Something Kinda Ooooh.

Still, that 10/1 we were offering on a Cheryl Cole/ Ashley Cole divorce is starting to look like the bargain of the century, don't you think?

Read more:

Cheryl Cole Says She'll Stand By Ashley – News Of The World