Louis Walsh. He’s been on the brink of a nervous breakdown since the last series of The X Factor when he got spectacularly angry about the existence of the film, Gummo. We’ve assumed that he’s been going under thanks to working with Jedward.
That or some suffocating closeting he’s imposed on himself surrounding rumours of his sexuality.
And the latest Louis Walsh’s Brain Is About To Completely Capsize tale surrounds his wanting to end his life. Suicide, obviously, is utterly hilarious and should be mocked at every noose, pill bottle and 2 bar heater dropped in the bath water.
What nearly pushed Louis into the abyss is the recent accusation from the marvellously monickered Leonard Watters, who said that the? X Factor judge groped him one on the nuts in the latrines of a Dublin nightclub. If you didn’t know, it turns out Watters was making it up and got himself prosecuted for making false claims.
Not that this made Louis feel much better. Even after his name was cleared, he stared at himself in the mirror, pulled down on his sagging face and thought ‘I think I’ll let this ordeal stay with me for the duration of my life’.
He melodramatically says:
“I’ve changed forever. This has made me physically ill. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’ve lost so much weight that my suits don’t even fit me anymore. I can’t even get a proper night’s sleep, so I’m exhausted. When I drift off I suddenly wake up in a blind panic. The panic attacks are awful. I have to calm myself down and say, ‘It’s over, I’m going to be OK’.”
As many of you will know, there is no darkness that can cloud a soul like the one that manifests itself in the form of a cheap suit that is suddenly too big for you. The loose waistband, pulled taut, acts as a very real metaphor for the yawning chasm in your heart… that clawing emptiness that may never be filled.
Unless you get some pies in you.
On the night of the allegations, he thought about topping his little self:
“I locked myself in my hotel room in London. I wouldn’t speak to anyone … I was devastated. That night in the Kensington Hotel I did think about a way out. It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever considered ending it. I was serious. Even today I’m still a shell of my former self. The pressures this business brings are immense. With good you get bad so I’m going to be suspicious of everyone I meet now. I have good days and bad days. I’m questioning everything now. I think time will heal it all right but I’ll never be me, the old person that I was, ever again.”
So is the claptrap of yore gone? Are we about to see a new, reserved, hollowed out husk compared to the old Louis who would open his mouth without thinking when talking about things that don’t concern him?
Yeah. Right. Literally hours after showing everyone where he would slit his wrists, if he meant it, Walsh promptly went about gossiping about Cheryl Cole’s lovelife.
Louis says, seemingly forgetting the enveloping darkness in his heart:
“I knew she would get back with Ashley. I think he loves her and she loves him. I think they will be happy. If they got married again I’d be at the wedding.”
Unless you chuck yourself off a motorway bridge, right?
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ongatar says
Very disappointed Hecklerspray thinks false accusations against Louis Walsh and how it was publicised is funny and worth a mockery. Thought Hecklerspray is better than tabloids – I was mistaken.
Mangostsa says
I thought better of Hecklerspray too. I come on here expecting serious news commentary broken only by the occasional whimsical picture of a Peter Sissons cooing at a kitten in a hat to provide relief from the dry political analysis.
Mangosta says
That’s A Peter Sissons, not THE Peter Sissons, of course. THE Peter Sissons hates kittens.
Lauren says
How many times?!? Hecklerspray is not to be uttered in the same sentence as that spine-shuddering word ‘TABLOID’. I expect you only found yourself on here due to a slight malfunction/hacking of The Sun website? You’ll be happy to read it’s back up and running now… off you go!