Jim Carey’s daughter Jane Carrey revealed on American Idol how she’s spent the past 24 years living in the lap of luxury, and riding golden ponies, all paid for by daddy’s money. Wait: we mean the exact opposite of that…
“He’s definitely not the most extravagant celebrity,” the daughter of rubber-faced comic Jim Carrey told American Idol viewers, adding that she’s a single mother whose been waiting tables for the last six years.
Ummm… what? There’s a difference between not being ‘extravagant’ and letting your daughter clean-up other people’s gobbed-out food for minimum wage.
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News has reached us here at hecklerspray of a really tragic event that should highlight age issues throughout our society. For too long people have gone about their daily lives, scarcely giving a thought to the older people in our society, people who are too old and frail to care for themselves properly.
As the economic slump continues and people find it just too damned expensive to squeeze out babies like they’re going out of fashion, the world’s population will continue to get older and it is to our older friends and neighbours that we must look to and offer a helping hand in their hour of need.
It’s news like this that really hammers that fact home.
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Us here ‘Spray writers have written a lot of words over the years and it is with tired hearts and mangled hands that we begrudgingly bring this to you now. Scroobius Pip is currently informing us that journalism is redundant through our pathetic laptop speakers, America is still unwittingly executing people, and R.E.M have just split up; don’t worry we’re not making THAT joke, but it all makes you remember how terribly rubbish the world is.
To bring this point home we considered bringing you new music videos from the likes of Mastadon and Trash Talk in which you could see a really dirty man, some breasts glow, and some skateboarders injure themselves while annoying everyone in California; and you’d only get a little bit of motion sickness.
Yes, there is a massive ‘but’ here… although, we thought that might not go down to well with all you lovely Cosmo readers. Instead we’re celebrating the fact that you can watch hours of idiocy on ITV 2 tonight and tomorrow while Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell incessantly flirt and pass aggressive notes under the table about whose teeth are whiter.
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The news that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were getting divorced saw unprecedented sorrow in the hecklerspray hovel. We couldn’t believe that such a perfect couple had split without reminding us that they were an item in the first place. Very distressing.
So what caused this awful rift between two gulpingly attractive superhumans?
Well, Jennifer Lopez made a massive, massive mistake. She forgot that you’re only allowed to be attractive while wooing your husband. After that, you must stop being attractive at all, even if your work depends on it and, dare we say it, that was the thing that attracted your beau to you in the first instance.
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Celebrity boob enthusiasts! We don’t mind if you don’t want to read these words and get straight to the mammaries. Yes. There’s a picture of Jennifer Lopez’s right boob over the jump. Honestly. Go straight there. You’ll miss some jokes but the traffic is all good.
Right. For those of you who remain and want to see what words we’ll write about J-Lo’s right buster, we’re all poised like a coiled sponge to disappoint.
So what’s happening? Well, the American Idol judge allowed her bubular to hang out while appearing on a German TV show, clearly enjoying the fact that they’re all sexually liberated over there with their porn films, hairy genitalia and their penchant for tanga briefs.
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Aerosmith are an astonishing tale. They really are. Through drugs, women and one of the most average back catalogues in rock history, they’ve managed to become superstars simply by surviving.
And up-top, there’s wobbling sofa-bed lipped Steven Tyler, poncing around like royalty, determined to be louder than his bandmates who have had to put up with him since some time in the ’70s.
However, Aerosmith hate each other’s guts at the moment so Steven is making music with someone else. Another deity from rock’s pantheon? No. Johnny ‘the actor’ Depp. That’s right kids! Tyler and Depp are making awful music together and Tyler likes mentioning it, just on the off-chance it grinds the gears of Joe Perry & Co. Which it will. Because they’re all wrinkly children with failing livers.
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Punk tart, Iggy Pop, has revealed that he was approached to be a guest judge on American Idol, which of course, would have been an absolute hoot! Think about it. His boiled racehorse body and impossible teeth, glowering from behind a desk while someone sings ‘I Love Rock ‘N’ Roll at him.
Of course, there’ll be those amongst you who think that Ig sold out when he did those car insurance commercials. While they are undoubtedly bad, they’re nowhere near as awful as some of the bands he played with in the ’80s.
And so, prime Stooge to appear on a pop contest on television? What’s the kicker?
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Aerosmith – America’s answer to Status Quo – have plodded around like a sick bull for the best part of 320 years on the rock ‘n’ roll circuit. With a mixture of stadium sized choruses, a front man who looks like a melted waxwork of a combination of WWE wrestlers and the regular soap opera of their substance abuses, they’ve somehow managed to not go away and die under a hedge.
Steven Tyler has managed to keep his toe in the celebrity pondscum by, lately, having a very open and ugly feud with his band mates, declaring himself to be “the whole rainbow”, whatever the shit that means.
And, now, he’s still hanging around like a rubber gargoyle filled with sleeping tablets and meths, sat behind a desk as one of American Idol’s judges. It’s the latter which he’d like to apologise for.
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