Us here ‘Spray writers have written a lot of words over the years and it is with tired hearts and mangled hands that we begrudgingly bring this to you now.? Scroobius Pip is currently informing us that journalism is redundant through our pathetic laptop speakers, America is still unwittingly executing people, and R.E.M have just split up; don't worry we're not making THAT joke, but it all makes you remember how terribly rubbish the world is.
To bring this point home we considered bringing you new music videos from the likes of Mastadon and Trash Talk in which you could see a really dirty man, some breasts glow, and some skateboarders injure themselves while annoying everyone in California; and you'd only get a little bit of motion sickness.
Yes, there is a massive ?but? here? although, we thought that might not go down to well with all you lovely Cosmo readers.? Instead we're celebrating the fact that you can watch hours of idiocy on ITV 2 tonight and tomorrow while Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell incessantly flirt and pass aggressive notes under the table about whose teeth are whiter.
So in our American X Factor Video Special you're going to have to watch videos of past American Idol contestants because we just realised that this is a brand spanking new television drama just waiting to redeem our souls.
Americas sweetheart and answer to Will Young shook talentless middle America to it's very core when she won the first season of American Idol at the tender, chubby age of 20, but that was nothing compared to her emotionally wrought (let's face it) video for ?Because Of You?.
It may not have been her first single and it may have come years into her probably floundering career, but 2005 was never the same after little Kelly Clarkson had her hair done and showed off her acting chops.? As the runner up in 2003?s World Idol we can safely rest in the knowledge that there is only one human on the planet who is better than her. Fact. So while all tonight?s hicks are crying about failing the 3rd?grade spelling bee on the word ?grape? that one day they might be belting out covers of Sheryl Crowe songs that bring all that resentment to the surface.? This ladies and gents is where it all started.?Nobody even knows who you are Kurt Nilsen!
Season 2 gave us the comedy fat-guy with a heart of gold and inner turmoil.? Ruben Studdard, kangol hat finely atop his head, is that man. He wears big floating shirts and gets praise from people like Luther Vandross, when they aren't looking he records songs like this.
Somebody called Fantasia won season 3, unlike Olly Murs they didn't even get a presenting job.
Carrie Underwood though, we all know who she is right?? Course we do, she sings those songs, sort of like Taylor Swift right?? That could be Sheryl Crowe though, so don't hold us to that, she's from Oklahoma because nobody that isn't from the Mid-West has ever won an American talent competition before.? Carrie who beat our favourite long-haired chap who plays guitar and has an alliterative name, Bo Bice, has wowed audiences with such hits as?please hold while we go to Wikipedia??Inside your Heaven? and ?Jesus, Take The Wheel?.? In the video for the Grammy award winning ?Before He Cheats? you can see a feisty looking leather clad Carrie walk the streets with a baseball bat smashing the car of the cheater in questions, she also references Shania Twain which is fine by us.? Carrie looks a bit like Barbie, but not as human.? She has wind machines on her hair, and throws car keys in alcoholic beverages, she's a bit full of herself this one.? The sheer power of her voice though does cause the windows of nearby buildings to explode, so that's something.
Country music continued to prevail for another year and after that Jordin ?my parents can't spell? Sparks won the competition somehow, but since her it's just been average looking men with guitars strutting like male peacocks.
They could form a more tired, less self-deprecating, attempting to be well dressed, version of Snow Patrol.
As you only just remembered, or heard for the first time some of these names then you will have probably come to understand ?your feelings and how you don't care about the quality of video for whatever the next hit single may be.? The artists too have realised this and thus compile a series of images involving leaning towards the camera with a microphone stand, walking, and hitting a high note while in a moment of emotional intensity.? Let's hope American X Factor can bring us a star who knows these industry secrets, a star that is homely in that Mid-Western way, a star who can sing like all of these people put together; let's hope American X Factor can bring us Kelly Clarkson.? Alternatively we?ll settle for a family oriented hooker who snorts cheap drugs at the weekend.
Enjoy your time watching ITV 2 and if you have time between Iceland adverts, coping with the pain of the realisation that Randy Jackson isn’t here, and all the inane flirting then vote for us in those blog awards that we’re up for… please?
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