Well that was fast. Kelly Clarkson just got married about .02 seconds ago to Reba McEntire’s step son, Brandon Blackstone, and she is already subscribing to emails from Huggies and deciding whether to put elephant or monkey decals on the walls.
Just last week she was telling Jay Leno her husband and she were humping like rabbits, but refused to confirm or deny anything. And as everyone knows, a lack of denial is basically an admittance to the truth.
Oh, and elephants by the way. Always go with elephants.
Kelly Clarkson won the first season of American Idol and has spent the years since churning out a ton of hits, while also dealing with tons of shit because of her yo-yo weight. But now that she found someone to put a ring on it, she’s able to happily get knocked up and gain all the weight she wants without care. Take that haters!
“Everybody calls me fat all the time, so I can’t wait to have a reason, instead of everybody just being a jerk!”
Fuck em, Kelly. You have a voice gifted from the angels. Just try not to dress like Kim Kardashian while preggers, mkay? You don’t need to make it easy for people at home in their mother’s basements to make GIFs comparing you to your grandma’s sofa.
“I’ve never been Gisele Bündchen, so ain’t nobody expectin’ that! I like to set a [low] standard so people don’t expect a lot.”
Gisele Bündchen isn’t even Gisele Bündchen. Have you seen her without professional makeup and Photoshop? She’s like Mr. Ed’s gangly sister.
Now when Clarkson was on Leno, she was super TMI about her sex life with her new hubby. Letting everyone know how her crotch was basically filled 24/7 with Blackstone’s little swimmers. She made no qualms about the fact that they were trying and wanted to overpopulate the world with their future cowboy boot wearing mini spawns. When Jay asked if they were pregnant yet, Clarkson said they weren’t announcing anything yet. So naturally everyone was just waiting for them to announce that there was a no vacancy in Kelly’s uterus.
Now, Clarkson and her husband got married on October 20. Exactly a month later, this Tweet appeared-
I'm pregnant!!! Brandon and I are so excited! Best early Christmas present ever
— Kelly Clarkson (@kelly_clarkson) November 19, 2013
Now, let’s do a little math, shall we? The way you first realize that you will soon never sleep soundly through the night again is when that damn bitch Aunt Flo boycotts her monthly visit. So Clarkson’s announcement tells us that one of the following things are true. Either Kelly Tweeted their big announcement while sitting on the shitter right after the plus sign popped up on her piss stick, or homegirl knew she didn’t have to worry about any ass stains on her wedding day in her all white gown. I guess we will learn the truth in about 7-8 months.
There is still a small part of me that is sad Kelly and Justin Guarini didn’t work out. How that magnetic, raw passion seen in From Justin To Kelly didn’t translate to a long, happy life, I just don’t know. Could you imagine a little baby with Guarini’s hair and Clarkson’s laugh? Adorbs. Life just makes no sense sometimes.