Shakira Sex Tape Threesome Nothing More Than A Stupid Lie

Shakira sex tape yacht threesome April Fool’s prankThere are ontological, teleological and moral arguments about the existence of God, but nothing would swing it for us more than an internet video of Shakira being done by two blokes on a boat.

So when we heard that there was a three-way Shakira sex tape knocking about, our cries of "there is a God!" could be heard from miles around. After all, if a Shakira sex tape is the holy grail of sex tapes, then a three-way Shakira sex tape is the holy grail, um, being done by two blokes on a boat.

But the excitement was misplaced – the Shakira sex tape has been unmasked as a cruel April Fool's prank by a DJ in Argentina. A cruel, stupid prank by an idiot DJ in rubbish Argentina. Stupid imaginary God.

April Fool's day is crap. Everyone knows that. Oh look, flying penguins! Oh look, a miracle cream for fat people! Oh look, Richard Branson's moving to Mars! Hah, not really! They're all hilarious April Fool's day pranks! Well, OK, not 'hilarious' so much as 'tedious and crap'.

But a Shakira sex tape? Surely that couldn't be an April Fool's day prank, could it? After all, it checks out. Everyone from Lindsay Lohan to Kristin Davis to some woman we've never heard of from The Hills have all apparently done sex tapes or nude photoshoots lately, so why not Shakira? Also Shakira looks quite dirty and – most importantly of all – we want a Shakira sex tape to exist. And if you can keep aeroplanes in the sky with collective willpower, then surely you can make a Colombian popstar film herself getting rogered too, right?

Which is perhaps why everyone fell for the idea of a Shakira sex tape so badly. The rumour apparently originated when Argentine DJ Javier Ceriani told his listeners that a Shakira sex tape filmed on a yacht and featuring appearances by two different men had been stolen and was about to be leaked onto the internet.

What makes it more interesting is that the two men were Shakira's then-boyfriend Antonio de la Rua and Shakira's La Tortura duet partner Alejandro Sanz. The story had it all; outdoors sex, kinky three-way sex, scandal, thievery and – again, most importantly – video footage of Shakira getting dicked by two blokes at once.

But before the world had even had time to pull down its trousers and find the nearest box of tissues, Shakira and Sanz have denied that her sex tape even exists at all. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

In a joint statement, the singers' representatives say, "This is a false rumor. This is totally absurd any way you look at it. There is no possibility that such a video exists. It is a baseless and malicious rumor."

So it looks as if we'll have to try and learn to live without a Shakira sex tape in our lives. It's hard, but we'll get over it – let's not forget that in times of trouble there's always the fake Meg White sex tape to fall back on.

We're screwed.

Read more:

Shakira and Sanz Deny Sex Tape Prank – SFC

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Comments

  1. DuFF says

    “What makes it more interesting is that the two men were Shakira’s then-boyfriend Antonio de la Rua”…

    WOW——IS THIS TRUE??????? Are Shakira & Antonio over?? Did the engaged couple break-up??? DOES ANYONE REALLY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS???!!!!!!

    If so, poor bastard screwed up!!

  2. Jimbean says

    Stuart I love the way you describe the whole ordeal.. very well written and you explained it exactly like the way most of us men invision it, but we cant explain it! BRAVO!

  3. says

    I Hate The People Who Do Sex Tapes Just To Stop Famous People To Quit The Singing I Would Be Sad Very Sad Without Music In My Ears It Would Be A Boring World With Out Singers.

  4. says

    Can We Just Stop With The Sex Tapes And Live A Happy Life Without Sex Or Sex Tapes And What All And Ever Sex Tape Gone From Ever Site All The Sex Tapes Can Be On Porn.com I Just Wanna Live A Happy Life But All The People Say To Me Check Out The New Sex Tape I Can’t Get It Out Of My Head.