Sex tape karma is a beautiful thing – after making us pray for blindness with the Gene Simmons sex tape, it's now repaying us with a Kristin Davis sex tape.
You know, Kristin Davis. The uppity one from Sex And The City. There's a Kristin Davis sex tape. And there's not even a second of 1980s power-ballad in there at all. Take that, Simmons.
Except, wait, buckle your belt back up – Kristin Davis says that the Kristin Davis sex tape is a phony. That's not her in the sex tape gobbling on a man's genitals or in the accompanying pictures sitting on a toilet with her minge sticking out, Kristin says. She only knows because in the real Kristin Davis sex tape she's wearing a pony saddle, a pair of safety goggles and is covered head-to-toe in bacon. We heard.
Of all the stars of Sex And The City, Kristin Davis is the one you'd hope made a sex tape. A Kim Cattrall sex tape would be largely pointless because she's such a slag on the TV show, a Cynthia Nixon sex tape would be weird because – although a lesbian – she's also fiercely ginger, and we daren't even contemplate a Sarah Jessica Parker sex tape. Bleurgh.
So a Kristin Davis sex tape it is, not just because of a strange, freshly-invented default system but also because she's the most beautiful woman in the world. So imagine everyone's delight yesterday, then, when what was claimed to be a Kristin Davis sex tape and set of explicit photographs were found all over the internet.
Truly, it was the lucky strike of celebrity internet sex tapes – less nauseating than the Gene Simmons sex tape, less emotionally troubling than the Screech from Saved By The Bell sex tape and less hopelessly obscure than the Kim Kardashian sex tape, the Kristin Davis sex tape featured a pretty girl who you'd never expect to be filthy doing nasty things to a man. Perfect.
Except that, as far as she's concerned, the Kristin Davis sex tape is more of a Meg White-style fake sex tape. She's denied the whole bloody thing. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
"Sex and the City" actress Kristin Davis has laughed off reports she is the star of an Internet sex tape, according to TMZ.com. Pictures have swept the Internet, appearing to show the clean-cut 43-year-old engaging in a sex act, with the promise of an explicit tape. But Davis' representative insists, "This is not a photo of Kristin Davis. There is no sex tape."
You'd think that a simple denial would clear everything up, but it hasn't. Other reports are saying that the Kristin Davis sex tape is fake but the pictures are absolutely real and taken in 1992 by an ex-boyfriend. Which could be true. The naked Kristin Davis photos are here for you to decide how real they are, but be warned – not only is the link not safe for work, it will also lead to images containing more public hair that you'll have ever seen, unless you've ever had a job sweeping up at a Russian bikini wax salon in the late eighties.
We have to admit that the timing of the Kristin Davis sex tape and naked photos is a little suspect. In the next few months, the Sex And The City movie is being released, and suddenly we see some candid photos of one of its stars having sex? What if this is some form of unconventional marketing campaign?
Lord, we hope not – if it is, then the Sarah Jessica Parker sex tape can only be weeks away. We're going to avoid eating any solids until the film's released as a precaution.
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bonkers says
Hmmm….I see lots of public hair every day. Look – there’s some on Renee’s head. And Marty’s got some too! What kind of world am I actually living in??
carmela says
i’m no expert but the willy sucky one looks like her but the others don’t -especially the uncomfortable bath time reading one.
Matthew Laidlow says
I would also not know. The damn parentail control on this computer just won’t come off!
SATCfan says
It’s her. It’s been confirmed (and it’s just damn obvious). But so what? We’ve all done those things. She just got photographed doing them. It’s not like she was photographed humping a donkey. Let it go.
Oh, and dude writing this article? SATC is a cultural ICON because it’s AWESOME. You clearly don’t get it. It’s okay; that comes with your having been born with certain anatomical parts on the outside of your body. But please don’t insult those of us who DO get it by making pejorative statements. Go hump something and get over it.
Men! lol
hoohaahee says
@SATCfan
That “awesome” program has reinforced a load of idiot rhetoric attempting to teach women that self/Image obsession is admirable. The characters are vapid, vain and mindlessly espouse the sort of consumerist bollocks that we all hoped had been left behind in the late 80’s.
You “clearly don
Tammy says
These women are successful and smart.
I don’t understand why successful, smart and beautiful women have to keep being the target of pea-brained, envious and hypocritical people.
She fucks. Everyone does. Get over it.
If you have a problem with how someone live their lives, try some self-help classes to make yourself feel better.
Don’t go OUT of your way to make them miserable.
Stuart: You are a loser.
Bank that.