You might think that, because he’s five years older than her and wriggles about in knickers for a living, Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend is a rum sort.
But he’s not. He’s really not. Miley Cyrus has been on the radio in America defending her alleged new boyfriend Justin Gaston to the hilt, claiming that he’s ‘awesome’ and a ‘really great Christian guy’. And what Miley Cyrus says, we have no option but to believe. Justin Gaston, you’re awesome and a really great Christian guy and we apologise for thinking wrongly of you.
And the fact that on the same day as Miley Cyrus’ interview, pictures were leaked onto the internet of Justin Gaston rolling around on the floor in his underwear with an unidentified woman and giving the camera the finger? Well that’s just awesome and Christian too. We hear that Jesus did a very similar thing once himself, actually.
These days it seems like the thing that teenage girls need to worry most about is church guys getting them pregnant. Actually, the ‘these days’ bit of that last sentence was a bit misleading since God, the original church guy, managed to knock Mary up when she was about 14 years old. High five to God, there, the big omnipotent pervert.
But these days it seems to happen a little bit more often. Who got Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant? A church guy. Who got Bristol Palin pregnant? A church guy. And who does Miley Cyrus appear to be going out with? That’s right, a church guy. That poor girl’s a timebomb.
Lately 15-year-old Miley Cyrus and her 20-year-old underwear model chum Justin Gaston have been inseparable. You can’t say that Justin Gaston is Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend because he’s five years older than her, she’s a child and it’s icky. But you can point out that they never stop hanging out, that they have a shared fondness for being photographed in their pants and that Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus has already publicly given his approval to Justin.
So, you know, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston are more or less boyfriend or girlfriend, but it’s all unconfirmed. It has, however, been heavily alluded to by Miley Cyrus herself during an interview with Ryan Seacrest yesterday, as E! Online reports:
“Everyone started judging us as soon as we started hanging out… I’ve learned just not to judge anyone and go into our friendship with an open mind and not really worry about the age or anything. He’s a really great Christian guy, which is awesome.” But did she admit they’re actually dating when she was grilled by Ryan? “Maybe, maybe not,” the Hannah Montana star giggled.
And, yes, so what, Miley’s endorsement of Justin Gaston as a great Christian guy might have come at the exact same time that several photos of Justin Gaston larking around inappropriately in his underwear hit the internet. That doesn’t mean anything.
After all, innocently exploring your sexuality in photo-form is just a perfectly natural part of growing up. And so is using your relative maturity to trick teenage millionaires into falling in love with you, then getting them pregnant, marrying them, divorcing them and taking half of their money. But that’s something that we’ll probably get to in the next couple of months.
Julian Mentat says
>> “I’ve learned just not to judge anyone”
Er.. so, basically, you don’t stop to think that the sender of an email about a million dollars up for grabs in Nigeria, might be scamming you? You’ll send them a “fee” because you won’t judge them?
Miley, whoever taught you THAT was an idiot. But, that of course, is a judgement.
Shooty* says
Is “grilling” a euphemism for something? You know, like spit roasting? (Or just roasting as the press stupidly started calling it after vanessa fvcking feltz got it wrong. Daft cow. Really gets my goat, that, like people who say “leading edge”. NO. NO. It’s BLEEDING edge, implying sharper than cutting edge, see? But noooooooo, you can’t mention blood. that’s bad. ARGH)
gir says
You do realize she probably doesn’t read this site and can’t hear you, right Julian?
Clearsky54 says
I find it astonishing that this site is telling people to “relax” in reference to Ms. Cyrus’s bf. First off, who the f**k cares? Second, why are you asking us to “relax”? Are we supposed to somehow glean from your title that because he “loves jesus” that he won’t put his thing in her hole? That she’s “safe”? Why are people investing time in this insanity? Erase this artlcle, please.
Joke Police says
Yes, because no Christians have ever done anything bad.
Why does no-one ever use the phrase ‘a good atheist boy’?
What’s that? It’s Stalin and Mao’s fault? Oh.
Julian Mentat says
Er, Shooty, there IS such a thing as the ‘leading edge’.
It’s the front part of an aircraft’s wing, and it receives great attention at the design stage because it’s critical to the performance of the wing. In fact the term ‘bleeding edge’ was DERIVED from ‘leading edge’, not from ‘cutting edge’.
In other news; what’s so great about a young man being Christian? The Inquisition were very Christian. It could imply that he gives all his wealth to the poor (perhaps that’s why he wears just underpants) or it could imply that he is susceptible to brainwashing. I’d be looking at his behaviour rather than the fish on his bumper if I were you, Miley.
But that would be judging, wouldn’t it? :P
Lynn says
Heh, I love your articles about Miley. Even if I don’t necessarily agree with you, they’re always funny.
gir says
“I find it astonishing that this site is telling people to “relax” in reference to Ms. Cyrus’s bf.”
I am going to be a billionaire when I invent a way to generate electricity from people missing the point.
Shooty* says
Julian, you’re WRONG. The 1842 Colloquay of Gwent (unrecorded) existed to establish exactly what I’ve set out. You, on the other hand, have no such fictional basis for your argument, and so I win.
Other than that, I disagree that bleeding is derived from leading. Cutting edge was used for a while. People wanted to describe something even sharper than the cutting edge.
“Think think think. Hmmmm… what phrase shall we use? Well… when you cut… there’s blood. THAT’S IT! Genius! Bleeding edge! It’s, like, just that little bit more advanced than cutting edge! Let’s all go snort some bolivian!”
That, my friend, is how the train of thought went at which ever “imagineers” thought the term up. Trust me, I’m a lawyer.
Julian Mentat says
I’m told the term “bleeding edge” was invented at a U2 recording session, when Bono had too much to drink and punched his guitarist – known to all as “The Edge” – in the nose. I believe his anger related to the overuse of effects pedals.
miss lusy says
i like miley the way she is??????????????
miranda says
i hate miley cryus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
clearsky54 says
Okay, gir, what is the point? Since you know so much, please enlighten everyone else who isn’t as fortunate as you.
gir says
The point is, you got so mad at an article on a satirical gossip blog that you practically frothed all over yourself demanding its removal. You got so worked up that you either:
A) forgot to read the article to see what it actually said, or
B) you completely failed recognize subtlety and irony.
Given that you are obviously 14 years old, I am leaning towards the latter, but I am glad to see you took a few weeks off to calm down. Who knows what damage could have resulted?
LeAnn says
Gah! Get over the age difference! Why does it matter? If her father approves, then everyone else should back off. He’s not ICKY for liking a 16 yr old. That’s not even a big age difference. Five years…big whoop!
scarry barry says
Relax, Miley has a much older and more mature boyfriend. He does not run around in his skivvies though. He is Mark McLeod, 53 of Appling, GA who has professed his love for Miley and has her dad’s approval to marry her. He says Miley sends him secret messages professing her love for him and wants to marry him too. That two timing Miley what has she gotten her self into? Apparently she likes older guys, much older.
As a side note, the Savannah (Tybee Island), GA police picked him up on Aug 4 and are holding him for attempted stalking of Miley, after initially charging him with disorderly conduct and obstruction in June but then let him go because they did not take his professed “luve” for Miley serious.
KAMERIN says
YOU LOVE YOUR DAD SO GO OUT WITH HIM HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA