Ever since it was revealed that OJ Simpson had pretty much taken leave of his senses and written a book about how he would have killed his ex-wife and her friend if only someone else hadn't got there first, there has just been one question on everyone's lips.
That question was about exactly how OJ Simpson would have murdered Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman if he'd got the chance. We'd resigned ourselves to never finding out the exact death method, since every copy of OJ Simpson's If I Did It, Here's How It Happened book has been long since pulped. But now Newsweek magazine has what it claims to be a chapter of If I Did It, Here's How It Happened that finally answers the question of how it would have happened if OJ Simpson did it. The answer is knives. That's knives.
Forget your Harry Potter and your Holy Bible, 2006 was all about one book – and nobody even has a copy of it. That book was If I Did It, Here's How It Happened by OJ Simpson, where OJ would theoretically describe how he would have murdered his ex wife Nicole Brown-Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman in 1994 if it had been him that did all the murderin'. Unsurprisingly, If I Did It, Here's How It Happened by OJ Simpson kicked off what some have referred to as a 'massive bloody shitstorm.'
First, news that the OJ Simpson book would be accompanied by a TV interview was greeted with outrage and witty haikus in equal measure. One or both of these reactions forced Rupert Murdoch to axe the OJ Simpson interview and book and fire the book's publisher Judith Regan while he was at it. But the outrage didn't stop there – the father of dead Ron Goldman claimed that all the blood money that OJ Simpson earnt from the aborted murder book scheme should be paid to him thanks to the ruling of the civil case that found OJ Simpson legally responsible for the two deaths in response to the criminal trial, where OJ Simpson was found to be innocent. And so he sued OJ Simpson for apparently setting up a dummy company to hide the money, meaning that a judge could freeze all of OJ Simpson's book money until the matter was straightened out.
That'd be enough of a pickle for the bulk of people dumb enough to write a book about the way they would have liked to kill their ex-wife, but now OJ Simpson has been hit with another piece of bad news: Newsweek has paraphrased a chapter of If I Did It, Here's How It Happened that was given to it by an anonymous source. What's more, it's the chapter where all the murder happens. Newsday reports:
Simpson encountered Goldman and accused him of planning a sexual encounter with Nicole. He became enraged when Nicole's Akita dog appeared to recognize Goldman as a familiar visitor, the account states. Nicole rushed at Simpson and fell, hitting her head on the ground, according to the account. Goldman then took a karate stance, further angering Simpson, who dared Goldman to fight before pulling back. "Then something went horribly wrong, and I know what happened, but I can't tell you exactly how," Newsweek quoted Simpson as writing. The account contains no descriptions of the actual killings but says Simpson was drenched in blood and holding a bloody knife when he regained control of himself. Both victims were dead.
OJ Simpson lost control of himself and regained control holding a knife and covered in blood? Oh God, you know what this means? It sounds like OJ Simpson is just like that blonde woman from Heroes. Perhaps other chapter titles in If I Did It, Here's How It Happened included I Looked At My Reflection And It Did An Evil Wink, Blimey My Son's Unusually Wise For A Child and My Ex-Husband Can Totally Walk Through Walls And Stuff.
Although people are taking Newsweek's chapter of If I Did It, Here's How It Happened to be OJ Simpson's confession of the murders, it's worth pointing out that OJ Simpson has denied this and said that it was merely cobbled together from pieces of the ghostwriter's research.
Still, though, stabbing? Is that it? We were expecting something vaguely imaginative from OJ Simpson at least, like melting them both with his eye-lasers or hanging them from hooks like in The Last King Of Scotland. But stabbing? That's so passe – even Paul McCartney is claimed to have had a go at that.
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Zeebz says
What an idiot.
Gilbert Wham says
Stabby stab stab, as I believe someone once said.