It was the question that the whole world wanted to see OJ Simpson answer – even though he didn't kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, how would OJ Simpson have gruesomely murdered them differently if he was given the chance?
Well, it's a question that you're never going to find the answer to, because the forthcoming book and TV interview entitled OJ Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened has been cancelled by Fox after it received just about as many public complaints as you'd expect a critique of two murders by the man who was found to be liable for them to get. In fact the pressure on Fox to ditch OJ Simpson's weird murder fantasies was so great that Rupert Murdoch himself apologised to the whole world for planning to publish and broadcast them in the first place, leaving OJ Simpson ready to launch his slightly less offensive plan B – a recipe book and TV cookery show entitled If I Baked A Selection Of Delicious Scones, Here's How It Happened.
We wish we could be a fly on the wall on the inside of OJ Simpson's brain every time he thinks up a new way to make money. Every since he was found innocent of the murders of Nicole Simpson Brown and Ron Goldman – and subsequently liable for their deaths to the tune of $33,500,000 in a civil case – money appears to have been constantly on OJ Simpson's mind. But where most people would understand that the memory of them being part of a blazingly high-profile murder trial would never go away and gone on to quietly get on with the rest of their lives in a private, low-key way, OJ Simpson has done the exact opposite.
In the past, OJ Simpson's money-making exploits have included hilariously stabbing TV interviewers in the chest with a banana and hilariously trying to sell his famous white Ford Bronco to a frightened used car salesman on a hidden camera TV show. But those div-brained acts were blown out of the water when Fox announced it was to broadcast an interview with OJ Simpson called OJ Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened that would coincide with a book of the same name. In the book and TV interview, OJ Simpson was going to describe exactly how he would have murdered Nicole Brown Smith and Ron Goldman if it was him that did it in the first place.
The reaction to OJ Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened was twofold; firstly the coolest kids in the world wrote some kickass Haikus about it and secondly the rest of the world went apeshit with outraged fury at Fox for even thinking about screening such a disturbingly odd interview with OJ Simpson in the first place. And now Rupert Murdoch has taken it upon himself to pull the OJ Simpson interview – and book, which he was going to publish – in the name of good taste, saying:
"I and senior management agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project. We are sorry for any pain this has caused the families of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown-Simpson."
So now that the interview is binned and the existing copies of the book are to be destroyed, we'll never get to discover just how OJ Simpson would have murdered Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman if they weren't already dead. The clues are there, though – the original teaser trailer for the interview featured this little OJ Simpson-uttered hint:
"I don't think any two people could be murdered without everybody being covered in blood."
Just what did OJ Simpson have planned for the two long-dead murder victims? Death by stabbing? Gunshot? Papercut? We're never going to find out.
But at least Fox has clawed back some respect for deciding that If I Did It, Here's How It Happened was too exploitative, inappropriate and tasteless for public consumption, and it'll fill the gap left in its schedules with a double-bill of No Holds Barred Pregnant Midget Vs Hungry Tiger Wrestling In The Exploding Maze of Death – Live!
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