Fans of reading things like "…and then, after we left the Cartier International Polo Day Wills said 'I know, let's eat pheasant and throw the bones at poor people" get ready for a shock – Kate Middleton won't do a kiss and tell story about Prince William.
Although the world – or at least Nicholas Witchell, that woman from Great British Menu and the handful of Australians who still think the royal family serve a purpose – is still reeling from the news that Prince William has split up with that big-faced girl he was going out with for a few years, the big-faced girl – Kate Middleton – has done all she can to assure Prince William that she won't sell the salacious inside story of their relationship to the highest bidder. Which we suppose is one up on Princess Diana at least.
Following Prince William's split from Kate Middleton this weekend, all kinds of questions still need to be answered. For instance, was the split sanctioned by any senior members of the royal family? Will Kate Middleton remain in the public eye now? How the hell did Kate Middleton put up with a family made of the single most awkward man on Earth, Little Lord Tittygrope and David Hasselhoff's number one nob fantasy (deceased).
Most important of all, though, is finding out why Prince William and Kate Middleton split up in the first place. There are plenty of rumours – that Prince William was too young to settle down, that Prince William wanted to devote more time to his homoerotic army adventures, that Prince William liked groping girls in shitty south-coast nightclubs – but perhaps the most interesting theory of all had to do with Kate Middleton's mother.
Mrs Middleton, it seems, provoked all kinds of out-of-touch la-di-da royal scoffing by not realising that certain posh-sounding words actually act like kryptonite to the royal family. For example, you are allowed to tell the Queen "Oi, I was trying to shit on a looking glass but I've got it all over the sofa." but not "Pardon me, I was attempting to toilet on a mirror but I've got it all over the settee." Mrs Middleton also committed the sin of saying "Pleased to meet you" when meeting the Queen. As we all know, you are expected to be pleased to meet the Queen because she is the Queen, and you should remain silent when meeting her unless you aren't in fact pleased to see her, in which case "Oh fucking hell, not you again" or "Piss off old lady, you smell like dust" are adequate substitutes.
But the only way we'll know the true story behind Prince William's split from Kate Middleton – aside from decoding all the Prince William haikus – is if Kate Middleton sells her story to the highest bidder. It's widely believed that by doing this Kate Middleton would receive in excess of £5 million – but as The Telegraph reports, that just isn't going to happen:
Kate Middleton has turned her back on a potential fortune of £5 million by making a pact with Prince William never to talk about their relationship… Despite the media interest, Miss Middleton has promised the prince that whatever price the bidding war reaches she will not sell her account of their five years together. As the first live-in girlfriend of a future king she would be able to name her price.
We're honestly very disappointed that Kate Middleton won't be selling her story of the Prince William split to a newspaper, because there's nothing we'd like more than to read page after page of simpering anecdotes about a big-faced girl holding hands with the clueless posho tosser who'll one day get to be the toothless tourist attraction sovereign of this country just because of who his granny is.
Still, we're sure Kate Middleton will get by very well without the millions of pounds that a kiss and tell would have brought her – especially if she was smart enough to steal a bunch of jewellery from Buckingham Palace while she had the chance.
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Kippertron says
See that picture? That’s what your fucking stamps will look like if that tit ever becomes King
Christian Benett says
We never allow Jewish to be Prince’s wife. Catherin Middleton never could be Royal family.
However HRHWilliam not to be upon the throne,Catherine is the enemy of us.
Get the hell Kate Middleton!!
Kill Kate quick?
Christian Benett says
We never allow Jewish to be Prince’s wife. Catherin Middleton never could be Royal family.
However HRHWilliam not to be upon the throne,Catherine is the enemy of us.
Get the hell Kate Middleton!!
Kill Kate quick?
Gilbert Wham says
Absulutely my good -Wait, what?
Snobbish, racist, and insane. Not only has the Queen got Facebook, it would appear Phil the Greek has got himself an internet nomme de guerre. It’s the only rational explanation for the garbled nonsense posted above.
Beth says
Hey!Are you French?
I can understand what do you mean.
All British hate Kate,no?
Yes,yes because Kate isJewish!
She has to cancel the engagement!
David says
Kate,I know her well.
Her other boyfriend(not Will) said to me that Kate killed his baby,but I don’t know that was realy his baby!
Because Kate Middleton is a whore, and she works so hard at her uncle Goldsmith!!
Dose Jewish whore to be Princess?
No joke!!!Kiiillll the whore!!