If Nicole Kidman really did fall pregnant every time a rumour went round saying that she'd been knocked up, the poor girl would be forever on the floor, constantly thwumping out a stream of babies like a Thai hooker in a ping pong ball factory.
But, as a matter of fact, Nicole Kidman gets pregnant hardly ever – if at all – and that's certainly the case now. After another flurry of tabloid headlines scrutinising her belly for signs of a kicking baby, Nicole Kidman has been forced to publicly deny that she is even the slightest bit pregnant with a ginger cowboy baby with a twin fondness for alcohol and starring in really terrible Chanel adverts. Just as well, really.
When you're as rich and famous as Nicole Kidman, you never really own anything. Sure, there's the jet-set lifestyle and all the huge houses, but nothing is ever really your own. Apart from having enough money to rent all the helicopters at the same time, obviously, but you have to share everything with the public. Except for the money, power, lifestyle and fame, that is. Oh, look, we're trying to say that Nicole Kidman can't keep her ovaries private.
Like Liz Hurley, hardly a day passes without a newspaper screaming a headline about Nicole Kidman being pregnant. The reasoning behind this, we assume, is that now Tom Cruise has had his baby, Nicole Kidman should be next. But Nicole Kidman will soon turn 40, and her biological clock is ticking, even though she's tried to drown it out with zombie car crashes and inevitable marriages to pissed-up cowboys.
And, with Nicole Kidman publicly longing for babies, it's no wonder why people keep thinking she's pregnant. This happened again most recently a couple of weeks ago, when Nicole Kidman was thought to have fallen pregnant at the hands of an evil scientist, but now that claim has been slammed by Nicole's slave Wendy Day, who appears to have been appointed for her superhuman snootiness:
"As if she would confirm her pregnancy to a Sunday tabloid. She is about to get on a horse in the Australian outback and will be breaking brumbies, which are untamed horses. I hardly think she will be able to do that if she is pregnant."
We're especially looking forward to Wendy Day's confirmation the day that Nicole Kidman actually falls pregnant, since on this basis we assume it'll go along the lines of "She's puking up into a basin every single morning, she's stopped menstruating, she won't stop complaining about how sore her tits are and – let's face it – she looks like a right lardy cow. I hardly think she'd be like that if she isn't pregnant."
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Pedro says
‘thwumping out a stream of babies like a Thai hooker in a ping pong ball factory.’ ahhh, the miracle of childbirth, hescklerspray-style