Keith Urban – the Australian cowboy singer who's also Nicole Kidman's husband – has gone into rehab for alcohol addiction, breaking the hearts of the four female truckers that know him as anything other than Nicole Kidman's husband.
There's good news and bad news to Keith Urban's rehab, though – obviously it's sad when someone gets so addicted to anything that they have to go and receive treatment to combat it, but on the plus side this proves that Nicole Kidman has such awful taste in men that she probably wouldn't even find you, your pasty body or the fact that you haven't even got a proper job as repulsive as all the other girls do. Swings and roundabouts, innit?
After being married to Tom Cruise – a man who thinks that making a Katie Holmes-starring David Beckham biopic is a sensible way to live your life – you'd have thought that a safe pair of hands would have been close to the top of the list of attributes Nicole Kidman wanted in a second husband. But, by the looks of things, Nicole Kidman ended up with a shaky pair of hands that only let go of booze bottles in order to bang on tabletops to reinforce the phrase "I'll tell you when I've had enough!" Or something like that – we really don't know.
For a while when they were getting married, Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman lived their lives under constant media scrutiny. When Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman got engaged the media was there, when Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman flew to Australia to get married the media was there and when Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman got married… well, OK, the media wasn't there because Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman hired all the helicopters in Sydney, but it was there in spirit. Or something. Since the wedding, though, things have been quieter for Keith and Nicole, with the only notable appearance coming when some people looked at them for a bit once.
Sure, Nicole Kidman has been making some kind of Australian epic in a desert and Keith Urban has continued to write and perform piss-poor cowboy songs for women who don't like music, but their profile has dropped as a couple. And perhaps we now know why – Keith Urban has entered rehab for alcohol addiction, but not before he gave a statement about it first:
"I deeply regret the hurt this has caused Nicole and the ones that love and support me. One can never let one's guard down on recovery and I'm afraid that I have. With the strength and unwavering support I am blessed to have from my wife, family and friends, I am determined and resolved to a positive outcome. I feel calm and optimistic about the future and with finally coming to terms with the reality of my condition."
There's a pattern emerging here, isn't there? First moony Tom from Keane goes to rehab, then scrawny Justin from The Darkness goes to rehab and now Keith Urban is in rehab too. If we were into conspiracy theories we'd say that these so-called rehab places are really just warehouses full of really bad ideas for songs that get handed out willy-nilly to whatever performer strolls through their doors, instead of the expensive hotels that rich people go to be told that it isn't really their fault that they get off their faces and act like dickwads all the time that they probably are.
[story by Stuart Heritage]