Break out the placenta-sized George Foreman grill! Katie Holmes last night gave birth to Tom Cruise's baby, a little girl named Suri. And once the weird Scientology week-long mother/baby isolation is over, everything will be fine.
Katie Holmes gave birth to Suri in an undisclosed Los Angeles hospital just in time for Jay Leno to break the news live on his talk show last night:
"I just got a phone call that Tom Cruise had a baby girl about two minutes ago. No joke."
No joke? No change there, then.
It's finally happened – and with less than two weeks until the release of Mission: Impossible III. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are now the proud parents of a 20-inch bundle of silence named Suri. Suri, as we're sure you already know, means 'Princess' in Hebrew, 'Red Rose' in Persian and 'Ker-Ching' in terms of how much money the new Tom Cruise movie will take.
No details of the birth, like whether Katie Holmes stuck to her silent birth or if Tom Cruise gobbled down the placenta, were given, other than the normal "mother and baby are doing well," line. Since the birth, Tom Cruise has cancelled all press appearances to spend time with Suri and Katie – though whether or not the much-hyped Mission: Impossible III premiere adventure will still go ahead is another matter.
And it's probably right for Tom Cruise to focus his time on Suri. All the other stuff on his mind, like the stuntman with the burnt willy and the newly dug-up relationship with his father, must be fading into the background as he concentrates on looking after the latest addition to his not splitting up family. You only get one chance to see a new life brought into the world, after all, and you can jump on a chair any time you want.
Reaction to the birth of Suri has been muted so far – it's still early days, after all, but lardy Scientologist actress Kirstie Alley has already said:
"Yay, yay, yay. Bring her over so I can meet her."
But she's probably just hoping that Tom Cruise will bring over some left over placenta for her to munch on. One person who will be too busy to send greetings to Tom and Katie is
Brooke Shields, who also gave birth yesterday. Brooke famously gets a bit down after having a baby, and Tom Cruise doesn't really like that. Maybe Brooke can send Katie a nice bunch of Zoloft.
The best thing about the timing of Suri Cruise's birth is that it's reinforcing our idea that 2024 is going to be a golden year for stupid behaviour from celebrity children. Suri Cruise, then 18, will no doubt be spending her time fooling around with Moses Martin, son of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin; while the Namibian-born offspring of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be busy mocking Sean Preston Federline for the big scar on his head.
The big question for Tom Cruise, however, is how the devil he's going to top all this ferocious publicity for his next film. Leave your ideas below, if you have any.
[story by Stuart Heritage]