One of the least-discussed benefits of adopting an orphan from a developing country is the wonderful aftercare service, which includes a 20,000 mile warranty, a no-quibble returns policy and complementary use of some angry stone-throwing orphans.
And if you were Madonna, wouldn't you want to take up the offer of that final one? Well, no – you'd probably be too busy wearing bad leotards, making awful films and wondering what you ever saw in Guy Ritchie for any of that – but that's beside the point. Anyway, now that Madonna is in Malawi to let her adopted son David Banda meet his biological father, she's found an interesting way to keep the media at bay – by letting a rabble of Malawi orphans lob a volley of stones at any journalist they see.
Compared to other things she's done in the past – like making the Pope quite sad and only shitting through brand new toilet seats – Madonna's latest visit to Malawi isn't all that interesting. Obviously if Madonna decided to adopt another orphan from Malawi while she was there, it'd be a bit more interesting; if only for all all the human rights protests and alarming Newsnight interviews conducted on the set of a 1980s Fry's Turkish Delight advert.
But no, it just turns out that Madonna has taken David Banda to visit some care centres and to visit his father Yohane, a man who sort of negates David Banda's qualifications as an orphan and who, up until recently, wasn't exactly sure what an adoption was. And that would be completely boring, if it weren't for the marauding gangs of Malawi orphans who are making sure that Madonna is undisturbed by the press by pelting them with rocks at any chance they get. E! Online reports:
In Mchinji, as the Madonna party visited the orphanage, several children turned on the press, hurling stones at the shutterbugs. The teens, who wore black and yellow uniforms and attended a nearby secondary school, also formed a wall around the premises, preventing the photographers from getting near the private meeting. The youngsters' forces were bolstered by Madonna's bodyguards and a contingent of local police, who helped clear the roads before the entourage's arrival.
You'll be pleased to hear that Madonna eventually relented and let some journalists into the orphanage to take pictures, perhaps knowing that she'd turn into dust if people ever stopped taking photos of her.
However, news of the Madonna-protecting stone-throwing orphans spread around media agencies fast, who in turn sent more journalists to cover the story, but they too had stones flung at them, sparking off another wave of visiting journalists, and thus more stone-throwing and Madonna-protecting. And so it shall continue, until the only journalist in the world left not trying to take a picture of Madonna while dodging orphan-thrown stones is the gay-seeming bloke who does the TV reviews on GMTV.
With Madonna being the arbiter of taste that she is, though, it can only be a matter of time before lesser celebrities adopt this stone-throwing orphan technique of avoiding the press. Britney Spears has already ordered a squadron of 12 Malawi orphans from the internet so she doesn't have to angrily smash up cars with an umbrella herself any more, while arch Madonna copyist Geri Halliwell is thinking about paying an orphan from Bexleyheath to throw a pebble at the one journalist who still visits her house once a month just to make sure she's still alive.