The truly great ones always have a hard time, don't they? Think about it – Ernest Hemingway once got a paralysed sphincter, hotels always charged Elvis for the televisions he'd shoot up, and Jokey Smurf always felt an unspoken loneliness due to his penchant for handing out explosive presents.
But they're not the only ones to struggle endlessly with their own genius. Madonna's got problems too – pooping problems. The chiefest of which is to never have to sit on a crapper that's been previously used by anybody ever. But we don't blame her. Think of all those venues she plays. Why, we'd be stuffed and buggered before we let our bare buttock touch a seat previously used by a boy band.
Seriously, it'd be all crusty.
Madonna doesn't want her bare bottom to ever touch a dirty toilet seat. She's taken measures to prevent this ever happening while she's on tour – by making her paid slaves replace the toilet seats at every venue in which she plays. The seat is to be firmly wrapped in sealed plastic when she arrives, and the seat is to be removed after she leaves, as to avoid eBay sales. An unspecified source put it:
"It must be wrapped in plastic so her people can open it, and then she demands it be disposed of immediately after she leaves the venue so no one can sell it on eBay."
While another source goes even farther by saying:
"The seat has to be inspected by her people, then installed – with an unbroken seal – by plumbers before every gig."
Hey, we don't blame Madonna one bit. Those toilet seats can carry all sorts of unwanted particles – like chlamydia, gonorrhea, butt-sweat, and if you're in there after that chubby Keane frontman – Pop-Tart crumbs. Madonna's slave Liz Rosenberg said of Madge's lavatory demands:
"I don't know if anyone helps her wipe but there are probably people who would volunteer."
We find that prospect to be both disgusting and lazy, but as long as the sign up sheet's going 'round…
[story by Shawn Lindseth]