You've seen Lindsay Lohan's tits, now she wants you see her soul – but it's OK, because it's less alarmingly freckly.
That's right, Lindsay Lohan has done a magazine interview all about the impossible darkness of her last 12 months.
It's an important interview because it marks the first time that Lindsay Lohan has publicly prattled on about herself in, ooh, roughly about six or seven minutes. Plus she's kept her clothes on for this one, so your retinas aren't as likely to snap off and run for freedom this time.
It's incredible what you can make celebrities talk about when they've got something to promote. For instance, wait until Halle Berry's got a film out and she'll happily tell you that she tried to kill herself once, while Hillary Swank is only to pleased to sell out the intensely private reasons behind the break-up of her eight-year marriage if you'd consider going to see The Black Dahlia. And so to Lindsay Lohan, who's decided to dissect her troubled year of arrests and addiction and rehab to help promote her new movie entitled…
Oh wait. Lindsay Lohan doesn't have a new film out. Lindsay Lohan's got nothing to promote, because movie producers are worried that if they hire Lindsay Lohan, then a) their movie will be a shoo-in for some Razzies and b) a week into filming Lindsay Lohan will crash her car loaded up on cocaine, get arrested, spend nine months in rehab and repeat that pattern six or seven times until you're left with something as flat-out horrible as Georgia Rule.
So Lindsay Lohan has nothing whatsoever to promote, and yet you can't go anywhere any more without hearing Lindsay Lohan yakking on about what a good person she is or – worse – being confronted with Lindsay Lohan's naked fluorescent nipples and pubes. But why? Is it because Lindsay Lohan is desperately trying to get her acting career back on track by reminding Hollywood studios that she can talk in full sentences? Or is it because, you know, Lindsay Lohan is a needy, approval-seeking husk of a woman?
Maybe we'll never know (cough*husk*cough), but that hasn't stopped Lindsay Lohan from being interviewed by Paper magazine all about her crazy drugs and booze and car crashes and rehab-filled 2007. Lindsay told Paper:
"I had a lot going on in my life and that was a way of hiding from it. I hadn't seen my dad; I had a lot of work stress 'cause I was constantly working and never took time to stop. Everything was go-go-go, and the easiest thing was to run away from it, going out and drinking at night. You know, you don't have to think when you let go sometimes. But I didn't realize it was getting in the way of my work – what I've worked for my whole life."
Ah yes, Lindsay's work. You see, Lindsay Lohan is now such a liability that she can't get a job. Obviously this is a massive injustice because, starved of another I Know Who Killed Me, chances are the public will start to riot at the absence of confusing thrillers about amnesiac strippers in their lives. But Lindsay Lohan's working on that too:
"Right now I just want to find a great script, a great role. I was so used to working and working and working, and for a good few months there was nothing for me to do. Now I know what it's like to be an out-of-work actor, and how much it scares me."
So if you've got a great script, you now know who to send it to. Well, not a great script, obviously – you could probably get someone hot like Emily Blunt or Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Biel to star in it if it was a really great script. But, hey, if you've got a mediocre movie, or a straight-to-DVD erotic thriller, or a late-night regionally-broadcast commercial for a shoe shop, then Lindsay Lohan's your girl.
Read more: