Kevin Federline is jinxed; whatever he says or does for the rest of his life will be doomed to failure just because he's Kevin Federline – oh, and also because everything he says or does is bound to be staggeringly dumb.
In the next couple of weeks, Kevin Federline finally gets to release his long-awaited – by him, anyway – album Playing With Fire. Nobody will buy it, everyone knows that, but Kevin Federline is a trooper and is promoting the album anyway he can, even if it means that he has to go on TV and tell everyone that his children mean more to him than anything, including his music. Well, more than anything except for his cornrows. You know how long they take to maintain if you've been cursed with lame-ass Caucasian hair, dawg?
Now, Kevin Federline might not seem like the world's best husband or father – having two kids with an actress before running off and spuffing up Britney Spears because she said she'd let you try on the red Oops I Did It Again catsuit isn't exactly the mark of a loyal man – but, bless him, Kevin Federline seems to at least want to make you think that he's a stand-up guy. Especially if it means you'll buy his Playing With Fire album. Actually, if you buy his Playing With Fire album he'll even give you his shoes as a heartfelt gesture of solidarity.
In recent months Kevin Federline has almost turned into a caricature of himself, in that you get the feeling he's been going of of his way to publicly do the things that will illicit the worst possible response from people. Your rapping gets leaked onto the internet to unanimous derision? Why not rap on TV and show everyone who doesn't have the internet how appalling you are. Your wife's feeling vulnerable because she's just had her second baby? Why not fly yourself and your gurning pals to Las Vegas for a debauched weekend.
And it's not just everyone that makes up the general public that's sick of Kevin Federline, either – he's even pushed Britney Spears into writing a mental poem on her website about what a tit he is, while CBS has made sure that nobody ever takes his acting seriously by using the episode of CSI that Kevin Federline cameos in as an excuse to a) punch him in the stomach and b) explore hitherto-unknown areas of episode-titling silliness (Coming soon: Kevin Federline in Fannysmackin').
But, despite all this, Kevin Federline is adamant that we've got him all wrong, as People reports:
"Children come first," he tells Extra, in an interview scheduled to air Thursday… The aspiring rapper will release his debut album, Playing With Fire, on Halloween. Noting that he's not the first musician in the family, he calls Spears his musical mentor. "She gave me comments about the music," he says. "She's helped me on the business side of it." And, Federline says, his wife's jaw "about dropped" when she heard the finished version of his album.
On the surface, Kevin Federline's 'children before music' policy is perfectly sensible; that is until you remember that the children in question belong to Britney Spears. Now that the inevitable lap-driving and fractured skull incidents are set to double with Sean Preston so swiftly being joined by Sutton Pierce, Kevin Federline will hardly have any time to promote his music at all.
Which, needless to say, we're totally OK with.
[story by Stuart Heritage]