Whenever Ron Howard adapts a Dan Brown book into a movie, three things are guaranteed to instantly happen.
Firstly, Tom Hanks will grow a terrible haircut. Secondly, reams of fat American tourists will start plodding around wherever it’s set loudly carping on about the Catholic church because they think that listening to a rubbishy airport book on audiotape once makes them the world’s sweatiest, most badly-dressed professors of theology.
And thirdly Ron Howard will wring his hands and unconvincingly claim that he doesn’t hate Catholics. Angels & Demons is released soon, so you’ll never guess what Ron Howard has done.
The Da Vinci Code. Now that was a good film. Probably. We haven’t actually watched it. But then again we didn’t really need to, on the basis that anyone who’s even been within 30 miles of Paris in the last five years already knows the entire plot front to back from overhearing the small army of simpletons who blunder round day after day shouting things like “Ooh, Mary Magdalene was the victim of a Catholic cover up,” and “Ooh, Opus Dei,” and “Ooh, blah blah blah blah wank.”
Anyway, now the movie adaptation of the sequel to The Da Vinci Code, Angels And Demons, is about to be released. It’s bound to have exactly the same effect as The Da Vinci Code, in that everyone is going to spout badly-informed nonsense about the Illuminati until we end up punching ourselves unconscious, the Large Hadron Collider is going to become a haven for fat tourists who secretly wish they were sitting by a swimming pool somewhere and all the Catholics in the world are going to throw a massive tizzy about it.
It happened with The Da Vinci Code – plus the film was banned in Pakistan and China – and now it pretty much looks like it’s going to happen with Angels & Demons, too. The Roman Diocese had already banned the movie from filming inside any of its churches, and last week the president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights wrote a newspaper article saying that Angels & Demons was a fat load of toilet and that Ron Howard was a ginger, Catholic-hating tosswhump. We’re paraphrasing.
But Ron Howard isn’t going down without a fight, so he’s written a response for the Huffington Post:
“Let me be clear: neither I nor Angels & Demons are anti-Catholic… After all, in Angels & Demons, Professor Robert Langdon teams up with the Catholic Church to thwart a vicious attack against the Vatican. What, exactly, is anti-Catholic about that?”
Now that both sides have had their say, it looks like we’re all invited to take sides. So who will you pick – the large, humourless organisation that believes an omniscient fairy will let you live on a cloud if you spend your entire life brown-nosing him, or the slightly annoying ginger man who’s made a bad film based on a worse book?
It’s a tricky one, isn’t it? So we’ve decided that we’re just going to tell you ending of Angels & Demons to save you the effort – apparently it was Jesus, in the drawing room, with his holy eye-lasers.