Admit it – the construction of the new Wembley Stadium has taken so long that you figured the first act to play there would be some giant genetically-mutated spider monkeys celebrating their violent colonisation of the Earth in the year nine billion AD.
But tough shit if that's what you thought – the real truth is far, far more terrifying. Instead of the spider monkey thing, the first act to play the new Wembley Stadium has been announced, and it's George Michael. Now, we're fully aware that George Michael seeing in Wembley Stadium is both dreary and upsetting, but it makes good logistic sense – after all, Wembley is just a short drive from George Michael's house. Well, a short drive, three different unconscious slumping pit-stops and a time-out to wank off a man in a shrub, but who's counting?
George Michael's whole life has been a series of firsts – he was the first man alive to think that Club Tropicana was a decent tune, he was the first man alive to think that smoking drugs on the telly made him look cool and/or rebellious, and he was the first man alive to get paid £1.5 million to sing for a terrifying Russian billionaire's enjoyment. And now George Michael has scored another first – he's going to be the first singer to play the newly rebuilt Wembley Stadium, as This is London reports:
Popstar George Michael will play the first concert at the new Wembley Stadium. The singer, who performed on a number of occasions at the old Wembley Stadium, will take to the stage at the new venue on June 9 as part of his British and European stadium tour… Alex Horne, managing director of Wembley Stadium, said: "It's fantastic news that George Michael is to play Wembley Stadium's opening concert. "He's no stranger to this great stage having performed at the old stadium both with Wham! at Live Aid and also as a solo artist, so this is a fitting first gig in the new stadium. I'm sure this will be a very hot ticket and we are looking forward to putting the stadium back on the world map as a major music destination."
That's assuming, of course, that Wembley Stadium is ready to go for June 9. Beset by spiralling construction costs and an army of builders so seemingly inept that we'd be surprised if they knew how to wipe their own bottoms, the new Wembley Stadium has been delayed so many times that some of thought it'd never open – in the past Bon Jovi, The Rolling Stones, Take That and Robbie Williams have all booked concerts at Wembley Stadium only to be forced to reschedule them elsewhere.
But let's be optimistic here – the first act to play Wembley Stadium this year will be George Michael. So long as George Michael can get to Wembley without dozing off at the wheel of his car, ploughing his car into a bunch of parked cars or fumbling around with an anonymous van driver in a bush and then throwing a girly tantrum about it, of course.
One thing still puzzles us, though – is the new Wembley Stadium the size of an allotment, or are there really still 90,000 people who'd pay to stand in a sports stadium and watch an elderly man singing I Want Your Sex? Because that's pretty scary, isn't it? We're going to go out on a limb here and suggest that you won't be able to get your hair cut in the London area on the morning of June 10 for love or money.
Read more:
Kippertron says
Maybe there’ll be a flaw in the construction and the arch will fall over and bang George on the head
Cameron says
“…George Michael seeing in Wembley…”???????
Hmm, ok!
kimberlie says
George Michael is FAR from elderly, he is very successful and VERY SEXY!
The people of London should be honoured that such a beautiful man is going to be the first act at the new Wembley arena. If i were the owner i would be very proud!
You lucky, lucky people.
Parsons says
Excellent choice. The Earls Court gig in November was superb, seriously impressive pipes. Last year all London dates sold-out in minutes, getting a ticket for the new wembley’s gonna be very difficult but I’ll defenitely try.
Thanks for the unintentional “heads up”!
swarandeep says
George michael is a fantastic artist and live performer. I went to his gigs recently, expected it to be good as i’ve seen him sing live several times but he was far better than i had expected. Great British performer who is a joy to watch and listen to. I’m over joyed that he has decided to tour again! Age is nothing but a number… if you’ve got talent you’ve got it… looking forward to June.