Chris Brown has tried all sorts – apologising, getting back with Rihanna, gleefully norking around on a jetski.
But it hasn’t worked. Yesterday Chris Brown was formally charged with two felonies regarding his alleged thumping of Rihanna – assault likely to cause great bodily injury and making criminal threats – which could land him a jail sentence of up to five years.
What’s more, a detective’s affidavit has also been released, describing exactly what transpired that night. Oddly, it doesn’t seem to think that it was all Rihanna’s fault for having a funny voice. Jeez, don’t these policemen read the hecklerspray comment section?
Before yesterday, Chris Brown must have thought he was a in a pretty good position as far as his alleged attack on Rihanna went. Sure, he might know that all kinds of people – including a handful of sort-of celebrities – already think he’s guilty of smashing Rihanna’s face up beyond recognition, but that didn’t matter.
That’s because Chris Brown managed to twist his bumfluff moustache into such a contrite shape that Rihanna couldn’t help but instantly take him back, possibly get married to him and decide that she didn’t want to press charges against him any more. And, if that didn’t work, he’d just plead self-defence because Rihanna is a skanky ho with a funny voice and she probably deserved it. Or something.
But just because Rihanna didn’t, the District Attorney’s office did – and so yesterday Chris Brown turned up in court to be charged with the twin felonies of assault likely to cause great bodily injury and making criminal threats. Chris Brown didn’t enter a plea in court and his arraignment was moved to this time next month, ensuring that we’ll all have at least another four weeks of hearing about this increasingly monotonous kerfuffle.
Much more interesting than that, though, was the detective’s affidavit from the night of the incident that describes what allegedly happened on the night of the alleged attack. And when we say ‘interesting’ we mean ‘grim and slightly depressing’. According to Newsday:
Brown pulled his car over and tried to push Rihanna out, but she was still wearing her seat belt, Los Angeles police Det. De Shon Andrews wrote. He said Brown pushed Rihanna’s head against the window, punched her with his right hand, and then continued driving while hitting her, the affidavit states. Brown told Rihanna: “I’m going to beat the shit out of you when we get home. You wait and see.”
Now that’s low. A punch from Chris Brown probably wouldn’t register much on the pain stakes, what with his arms being solely comprised of substandard pipecleaners and all, but a bite? Have you seen his teeth? We’re pretty much convinced that Chris Brown could gnaw through steel bars of he wanted to. Honestly, it’d be like being attacked by a great white shark. An effete great white shark who dances like a girl, admittedly, but it still counts.
The affidavit goes on to recount how Rihanna pretended to phone her assistent asking to call the police, at which point Chris Brown threatened to kill her, punched her until her mouth filled up with blood and then choked her to the edge of unconsciousness.
But, of course, you’ll hear about this if the case goes to trial. In horrible detail. Horrible, drawn-out detail. Horrible, drawn-out detail that you don’t think will ever end. So basically exactly like the last month, but more so.
Mithaearon says
But never mind all, that they are getting married!
shooty* says
I miss the Phil Spectre trial :(
tamica says
im glad chris hit rihanna i hate her so much. well done chris xx xx xx
Mithaearon says
yeah Well done Chris. You da man. Go on hit her again she must deservice it, just listen to her voice. Only real men hit women, other “men” are too scared to do it.
I do hope like me, that tamica’s comment was a piss take?
And shooty after all this I miss the spector trial too….bring back phil….
shooty* says
Oh… SpectOR… Right… not the ghost spelling… my bad.
U GO CHRIZ U DA MAN LOL!!!1!!!!!
stupid says
um ok yall all fuckin dumb!!!!!
stop bein ignorant this is obviously a bias opinion to what happin so they can miss me wit that bullish
magnetite says
The time: a few months from now.
The scene: the visiting room of a federal penitentiary – Rihanna is visiting Chris. She gazes lovingly at him through the toughened glass and picks up the phone in the visiting booth…
Her: “Hi, Chris.”
Him: “Hi, baby.”
Her: “Are you doing okay in here?”
Him: “Who you on the ‘phone to?”
Her: “Errr…you, Chris. It’s a prison phone. It only connects to your phone.”
Him: “You better put that goddam phone down bitch.”
Her: “But…I’m talking to you…”
Him: “Are you listenin’? Put that phone down or your gonna get it!”
Her: “Okay Chris, I will. Maybe this visit was a mistake.”
Him: “Before you go, can you press your titties against the glass? Some of the big queens in here don’t believe I’m straight. I can’t think why.”
Her: “No. I’m just going to go, okay?”
Him: “Yeah. Someone from my entourage will be waiting to beat the shit out of you when you get home.”
Her: “Bye, Chris.”
Him: “Imma kill you bitch!”
Her: “Bye.”
(Potentially.)
Julian Mentat says
All those people who said she gave him an STD; please show us the letters S, T and D on the detective’s report?
TOGETHER.
JoeMomma says
This may be stating the obvious, but this is like an episode of Jerry Springer? Is that show still on?
shooty* says
Mag: That is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Awesome.
Up there with my favourite entry in a “what one line in a movie to change the whole plot” competition.
Mugger: Don’t kill me, man – don’t kill me!
Batman: I’m not going to kill you. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to tell all your friends about me.
Mugger: Who are you?
Batman: I’m Bruce Wayne.
shooty* says
ALTER one line in a movie.
amazed says
i am amazed that women get disrespected, physically hurt by someone who says they love you, and then they still go back!! wtf? he will most likely do it again, especially since she forgave him so quickly. its like saying “its ok baby, hit me again. i dont mind.”
magnetite says
Like it Shooty* (and thanks).
The mugger should, of course, reply with “That’s okay, I’m secretly Moxey from ‘Auf Wiedersehn, Pet’. I won’t tell no-one if you won’t.”
Julian Mentat says
It takes two people to have a violent relationship: one who likes hitting, and one who accepts being hit.
Truth says
she deserved to be hit… a real man will hit a women who deserves it…. anything else would be sexist agsint men.
she deserved to get her butt kicked…. and it looks like Chriss brown was the only real man in the room… so he did the job.
good for him.
eqaul rights for men is impraoint…. boys should be encouraged to hit girls back….. it will teach women a lesson about respecting men.
hit a man….. be rude to a man… and you will get the crap kicked of you.
if women respected men more…. we would have no reason to hit them.
i only had to punch one girl in my life…. and she desrved it…. and that tought her a lesson she will remeber forever…. dont mess with a man who can kick your butt…. or else.
time women grow up and stop being treated and acting like children.
even children get hit when they are bad…. so women are even less then children…. no wonder so many men treat women like sex objects…. becuase thats all most women are.
Truth says
Real men hit women…. eqaul rights for men… get used to it.