All girls have their dream wedding mapped out inside their heads, we’re told – and that even goes for Rihanna.

Rihanna is a traditionalist at heart. She wants what all girls want – to accept a damage-limiting, guilt-informed marriage proposal from a boy who was recently alleged to have punched her repeatedly in the face, choked her unconscious and ran away. It’s just like in that romantic fairy tale, Nil By Mouth.

That’s right, Rihanna and Chris Brown have apparently got married. Upon hearing this, seismologists put any recent earthquakes down to the reaction to the ‘if any person present’ part of their service.

Later today Chris Brown is due in an LA court to learn whether the District Attorney’s Office has decided to file a case over his alleged beating of Rihanna a month ago. If it happens we’ll have all the news about it tomorrow. And then, at this rate, until the very end of time itself.

But it’s by no means certain yet, because Rihanna is apparently unwilling to press charges against Chris Brown. And in news that’s completely, definitely, 100% utterly unconnected with this, Rihanna and Chris Brown have apparently just got married.

You read that correctly. If you gasped when you heard that Rihanna might be pregnant and felt giddy with disbelief when Rihanna took Chris Brown back, prepare yourself for a full-on crap-attack. According to Star magazine, Rihanna and Chris Brown have actually got married:

A source said: “They had a tearful face-to-face meeting at Diddy’s, during which an emotional Chris apologised, begged for forgiveness and proposed to her on the spot. “She was totally up front and confessed to him, ‘I can’t live without you.’… All she’s ever wanted was to be with him forever. Rihanna is looking for the husband-and-two-kids deal before she turns 25.”

And we hear that Chris Brown is equally committed to Rihanna’s husband-and-two-kids deal. So much so, in fact, that if she’s only got one kid by the time she’s 25, Chris Brown will do the decent thing and snap it in half with his fists for her. That’s romance for you.

We hear that Chris Brown and Rihanna’s wedding was lovely, too. Chris Brown wore a designer tuxedo and expensive Italian loafers, while Rihanna mainly wore bandages and a full-body plastercast. But the drip coming out of her arm set it off perfectly, according to fashion experts who attended the ceremony.

That’s if this supposed wedding between Rihanna and Chris Brown actually happened, of course – Star magazine isn’t exactly known for its steadfast reliability, and we’re having real trouble believing that an intelligent woman like Rihanna would fall for such a transparently opportunistic career-saving trick as this.

After all, Rihanna’s not an idiot. It’s not as if she stayed with an allegedly abusive boyfriend until he hospitalised her, and then instantly took him back the moment he showed the slightest flicker of remorse, is it?

Oh. Well congratulations, in that case. You make a lovely couple. Our gift’s in the post.

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