Oh well done Mike Fisher. No, really, on behalf of all men, thanks. You’ve just ruined Christmas for us all.
You’ve got engaged to Carrie Underwood. Right before Christmas. You know what that means? It doesn’t matter what gifts we buy our girlfriends this year – oven cleaner, hoovers, ironing boards – it’s not going to go down as well as a marriage proposal. Sure, you might have made Carrie Underwood very happy, Mike Fisher – but by highlighting our lacklustre gift-giving skills, you’ve buggered Christmas up for all men.
Wore still, we don’t even really know who you or Carrie Underwood are. You’re mean, Mike Fisher, you arsehole.
Compared to the rest of her American Idol alumni, it’s hard to know where to place Carrie Underwood. She’s won less Oscars than Jennifer Hudson, she’s less hefty than Ruben Studdard, she’s not as famous as Kelly Clarkson, she hasn’t done her best to asphyxiate a member of the same sex with her tongue during a live music awards show like Adam Lambert – so what’s her angle?
Well, she’s country for starters, which means that she gets to essentially release the same song over and over again in the knowledge that all kinds of banjo-faced truckers will lap it up. And she’s sexy for a vegetarian, which isn’t saying much given that she’s the only vegetarian on the planet who doesn’t have bad dreadlocks and body odour that smells like turnips. And she’s just got engaged to a hockey player called Mike Fisher, which we suppose is something too. MTV reports:
We can confirm that the duo are now engaged! “I'm happy to confirm that Carrie Underwood is engaged to Mike Fisher, and the couple couldn't be happier,” said a statement from Carrie’s rep. “No wedding date has been set at this time.”
But of course Carrie Underwood is engaged to a man who plays ice hockey for a living. All girls like ice hockey players. Elisha Cuthbert loves hockey players, Sarah Palin’s daughter really loves hockey players and now Carrie Underwood does too. There’s just something about their rugged machismo, cack-awful mullets, alarming lack of teeth and eyes that don’t quite point in the same direction at the same time that drives girls wild.
So let that be a lesson to all you boys reading this. If you ever want to marry an American Idol contestant like Carrie Underwood, all you need to do is repeatedly smash yourself about the face with a stick or another man’s fist and grow a haircut that even a professional wrestler from the 1980s would think twice about. That probably goes the same for Adam Lambert.
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All Women Stalker says
You’re hilarious! LOL. But Carrie seems to be a really nice and down-to-earth girl so congratulations to her and her ice hockey hero, Mike Fisher!
– Kaith
Shayna says
If u wanna be technical about anything at all……you’re right about the she’s not as heft as Ruben thing..but I have to disagree…shes WAY better than Kelly Clarkson. In fact, if you checked your stats, she IS the top selling Idol right now…and she’s got less CD’s out…and all of her songs are number one. You must live in a hole or something…seriously.
Ky says
Actually, Shayna, check your facts. Worldwide, Kelly Clarkson has sold more albums than Ms. Underwood.
And Stuart, right on with the “that she gets to essentially release the same song over and over again in the knowledge that all kinds of banjo-faced truckers will lap it up.”
Jo says
Obviously some people need to read the facts. Clarkson has sold 8-million more albums internationally than Underwood. Clarkson can sing any genre well, including country, while Underwood sings only country well. Both are very talented, but I’d tip the hat towards Clarkson. Underwood is better looking, but Clarkson has the stronger voice.
Sarah says
Um yeah check yourself. Kelly is absolutely destroying every other Idol in total, worldwide sales. Kelly’s around like 22 million and Carrie’s around 10-ish or something. Sorry Carrie-lovers/Kelly-haters…deal with it!