Now, far be it for us to suggest that all vegetarians are gaunt, lifeless, protein-deprived morons who don't realise that chewing on bleeding lumps of dead animal is both cool and sexy, but there's a definitely a lack of sexy vegetarians around.
Why do we say that? Because animal rights group PETA has named its annual 'World's Sexiest Vegetarians' list – a little like trying to find the world's tubbiest anorexic or the world's most interesting envelope – and the results are so depressing that we're planning to visit the winners' houses and frisbee lamb chops into their mouths just to get them disqualified. Why? Because PETA has decided that this year's World's Sexiest Vegetarians are Carrie Underwood from American Idol – who was also the World's Sexiest Vegetarian two years ago – and a bloke so startlingly anonymous that we're not even sure his mother knows who he is.
A quick quiz. What's sexier – the sight of a human nibbling on some tofu and kicking up a fuss on an aeroplane because they have to eat special food, or the sight of a human being chasing down an antelope on their bare feet, dragging it to the ground and eating it alive until everything is covered in blood? Of course the answer is the second one – we've forged many meaningful relationships over the twitching, blood-soaked cadaver of an antelope – but you try telling that to PETA.
Every year, when it isn't claiming that Michael Jackson washes his giraffes in blood or making Heather Mills chase Jennifer Lopez around dressed as a big TV, PETA likes to list the world's sexiest vegetarians. Presumably this is so normal people can know which attractive celebrities they can beat in a fight, but we've never asked so we don't know. Anyway, last year Prince was named as the sexiest vegetarian alive – understandable, because Prince is so sexy he wrote a song about a woman sticking a magazine up her mimsy – but this year?
This year PETA has named the world's sexiest vegetarians as the People's Choice favourite American Idol gonk Carrie Underwood and Kevin Eubanks. These are clearly hopeless choices because Carrie Underwood was named sexiest vegetarian in 2005, suggesting a dearth of sexy vegetarians, and Kevin Eubanks is the band leader for Jay Leno. And science has proved that nothing connected with Jay Leno is even remotely sexy. The Daily Dish reports:
The "American Idol" winner beat Natalie Portman and Shania Twain to reclaim the title she won in 2005. Underwood has been a vegetarian since she was 13, and admits, "I don't like to watch commercials where they have meat. It weirds me out." Meanwhile, "The Tonight Show" bandleader Kevin Eubanks was named the Sexiest Male Vegetarian, beating actor/rocker Jared Leto and Joaquin Phoenix.
Two things immediately come to mind here: a) Natalie Portman isn't as sexy as Carrie Underwood? That'll only be true the day a 12-year-old Carrie Underwood dresses up as Marilyn Monroe and does a sexy dance for a middle-aged man in a film and b) maybe if Jared Leto ate more meat he wouldn't keep smashing up his nose like an idiot.