Jack Bauer’s booby daughter and Paris Hilton’s alleged tonguey faux-lesbian pal she may be, but don’t you ever say anything mean about Elisha Cuthbert.
Actually, let’s be a little clearer. Don’t you ever say anything mean about Elisha Cuthbert if you’re a professional ice hockey player who used to have sex with Elisha Cuthbert. Because if you do, you’ll pretty much be banned from ice hockey forever.
Just ask Sean Avery. He’s been suspended indefinitely from the NHL, and all because he called Elisha Cuthbert his ‘sloppy seconds’. That’s not only obscene, but inaccurate – technically Cuthbert is Avery’s ‘spunky doubledip’.
The world of celebrity and the world of sport don’t mix. They just don’t. In fact, we’ve tried as hard as possible and the only vaguely happy celebrity/sports couple we’ve managed to think of is world-renowned celebrity David Beckham and his wife Victoria who, as we all know, is a javelin.
But for further proof that you should never throw a celebrity into the sporting world, let’s look at Elisha Cuthbert. You may remember falling in love with Elisha Cuthbert when she starred as Kiefer Sutherland’s trouble-prone, bosom-heaving daughter in 24, or maybe you remember her from one of the countless terrible films she’s made subsequently. No, of course you don’t – those films are all so bad that people can’t even watch them ironically.
But if you’re Canadian, then there’s a chance you know Elisha Cuthbert for something else – her love of ice hockey players. Honestly, there’s just something about toothless, prematurely-aged, bemulleted rednecks who look like they can barely string a sentence together that just gets Elisha Cuthbert going.
For instance, Elisha used to be romantically linked with Sean Avery, an ice hockey player who can only really be described as looking like an inbred scarecrow with leprosy. But, for whatever reason, Cuthbert and Avery broke up and Elisha started seeing a man called Dion Phaneuf who, incidentally, is the only ice hockey player on earth with a surname that you can only pronounce properly if you pull your bumcheeks apart and gently fart.
So how did Sean Avery react to Elisha Cuthbert moving on so quickly? Well, by going on TV and saying:
“I’m really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada and I just wanted to comment on how it’s become a common thing for guys in the NHL to fall in love with my sloppy seconds, I don’t know what that’s about.”
The statement wasn’t really a surprise – as a man who gets paid to wear metal blades on his feet and clatter into other people on purpose, nobody would ever expect Sean Avery to be particularly eloquent – but he forgot one thing when he called Elisha Cuthert his ‘sloppy seconds’. And that’s that the NFL really bloody loves the 2005 remake of House Of Wax and will therefore never hear a bad word spoken about Elisha Cuthbert.
Which explains why Sean Avery has just been banned from ice hockey forever for saying it. Literally forever, as the New York Daily News reports:
The NHL rarely is amused by anything Sean Avery says or does, and proved it again by suspending [him] Tuesday night for what the league termed “inappropriate” comments and conduct “detrimental” to the game of hockey. Avery was banned indefinitely pending a hearing with NHL commissioner Gary Bettman for making derogatory comments about his former girlfriend – actress Elisha Cuthbert.
Yeah, that’ll teach Sean Avery! How dare he bring the NHL into disrepute by calling Elisha Cuthbert his ‘sloppy seconds’! Everyone knows that ice hockey players live by a code of conducts that requires them to be polite, courteous and willing to knock up the unmarried teenage daughter of prospective American vice presidents at a moment’s notice. Avery was way out of line.
So how will this ban affect Sean Avery and Elisha Cuthbert? Well despite apologising for the remarks Sean Avery needs to look for a new job, possibly as a model for the ‘before’ picture in cosmetic surgery adverts. And now that everyone knows her as Sean Avery’s sloppy seconds, Elisha Cuthbert will probably find herself only making cheap, unpopular movies about subjects that nobody could ever find interesting.
So no change, really.
Julian Mentat says
I can’t keep up with American slang.
A ‘sloppy second’ – is that some new measurement of time?
Matt Paap says
I’ve heard of ignorance, but this is bad. The average hockey player is much smarter than the mouth breather who wrote this article. Go and talk to any of them, or can you actually talk. Rediculous.
Doug says
YOU’RE A FAG. YOU DON’T KNOW JACK-SHIT ABOUT HOCKEY. IT IS HOCKEY NOT “ICE HOCKEY” UNLESS YOU ARE FROM EUROPE YOU DOUCHE BAG.
Wobbly Joe says
Matt Paap – you talk of ignorance but you can’t spell “ridiculous”. Dumbass.
Dan says
This is the third incident involving Sean Avery and crude/foul/vulgar language directed toward women in the last 6 weeks. When the Stars visited the Rangers in October, Avery got into a shouting match with Ranger announcer John Giannone where Avery ended up saying vulgar things about Giannone’s wife. I also read about an incident a few weeks ago where exiting the ice after a game, Avery was being heckled by a fan. He cursed the fan out and then made vulgar statements to the fans female companion. You have to know that this latest incident was the last straw when you see the comments being made by Avery’s fellow teamates.
Shooty* says
Hey Doug, guess what?
Yeah, we ARE from europe, you… um… douchebag.
That’s such a shite insult. Seriously, you donkey raping shit eater. See, THAT’S how to insult someone.
Anyway, we in Europe do actually have the internet, which enables us to compose articles like this. True, our computers are steam driven, and our keyboards are made of pebbles and twigs, but it seems to work.
Shark Sandwich says
“…Elisha started seeing a man called Dion Phaneuf who, incidentally, is the only ice hockey player on earth with a surname that you can only pronounce properly if you pull your bumcheeks apart and gently fart.”
Now THAT is literary gold. I almost popped a teste when I read that. Stuart Heritage – if you are the originator of that line, my hat is off to you sir.
BTW I have an unofficial list of the UGLIEST HOT chicks in entertainment. These are women that can be made up to be absolutely hot and sexy, but on their bad days, I wouldn’t do them with Steve Avery’s gerkin. Ms. Cuthbert is near the top of the list, that also includes Uma Thurman, Jessica Biel (face only, her bod is always a 9.9), Cameron Diaz, and Hillary Swank.
As a wiseman once said – “Beauty is only skin deep, but UGLY cuts to the bone.”
ThePaganTemple says
Wow, is it all right if I not give a damn about Elisha Cuthbert and her evidently seldom vacant vagina? Dude was right, she is his sloppy seconds, and all he was doing was pointing out that his teammates are acting like a bunch of dogs in heat going after the nearest bitch in heat. So what? If she weren’t a famous actress she would probably be passed from team to team, as oppossed to just player to player. I admit I would hit that too, but only with three layers of latex.
Scott says
Sloppy seconds is a reference to gang bangs in NA. The guy that goes after the first guy gets some extra lube from the first guy’s “deposits”…In Europe where “Ice Hockey” is different from say “Field Hockey” this might be a new term. It shouldn’t be except for the fact that it’s probably more of a gay slang term in Europe. Just trying to translate the gay slang that every guy in Europe should know since you’re all raving queens to straight lingo. Freddie Mercury rawks. Europe; home of the Rainbow Flag…
kaceto says
he loves canada and is happy to be back in calgary?…sounds like a sloppy second (time around) for him as well…he should also realize that unless she has never dated anyone else before him- he’s some other guys sloppy second(3rd,whatever)
He seems to be the T.O. of hockey…
halo says
Sloppy seconds, meaning that Avery bagged her first…
Phaneuf got….
Avery got suspended for the comments, not because she complained, but because his TEAMMATES (Dallas Stars) REFUSED to play with this guy in the locker room or on the ice. Classy group. I give them credit.
He’s with the NY Rangers now, who are a suck fest I might add. He’s really only well known for slagging wannabe movie/tv/pop stars.
At least Hilary Duff and Carrie Underwood have better taste.