Magicians are bloody sexy people. Just the thought of a mustachioed man in a hop hat turning a hankey into a dove is enough to make us want to break up his marriage and have the sexy magician all to ourselves, just like Cameron Diaz.
A magician called Criss Angel is currently getting divorced from his wife of five years, Joanne Sarantakos. No real surprise there – as sexy as magicians are, they're also creepy and all have the eyes of a murderer – but Criss Angel's divorce has hit the headlines because Sarantakos is naming Cameron Diaz as the reason why the marriage failed. Now, British readers might have trouble visualising the magnitude of Criss Angel and Cameron Diaz getting together, so we ask them to try and understand by imagining Martine McCutcheon having it off with Paul Daniels. Actually imagine it. Imagine it. Imagined it yet? Disgusting, isn't it.
Even though they all get paid to essentially do the same five or six tired old tricks, all magicians are a little bit unique. While some magicians are happy to help children by spinning around for 16 hours, others will use their magical powers to ward off criminals or just describe how to get rid of poo smells on their blog. But then there's Criss Angel. Criss Angel's unique selling point is that he's the emo magician – yes, he does age-old walking on water and levitation tricks, but he does them dressed up in baggy black clothes like some sort of half-hearted goth. And it seems to work, too – dressing up as the Primark Marilyn Manson has made sure that Criss Angel has become richer than his wildest dreams, but it has come at a cost.
Criss Angel's five-year marriage to Joanne Sarantakos is ending in divorce. Now, while this might be because Criss Angel's devotion to his work has meant that he needed to sacrifice his personal life, or it might be because Joanne Sarantakos decided that she couldn't remain married to a 39-year-old man who thinks that dressing up like a cartoon of an angry teenager is a reasonable way to spend his time – but the more likely explanation is that Criss Angel was having lots of sex with Cameron Diaz behind his wife's back. That's what Sarantakos is claiming anyway, as Newsday reports:
Angel… started dating the former Joanne Winkhart, 37, of Garden City, 15 years ago…. Then when he hit the big time, he ditched his hometown honey for A-list actress Cameron Diaz, according to Joanne Sarantakos' lawyer. He said he's been surveilling Angel in Las Vegas for six months and has collected some damaging material. He said he will subpoena Cameron Diaz the next time she steps foot in New York and ask about gifts that Angel might have given her.
This allegation literally couldn't have come at a worse time for Cameron Diaz, who is already enjoying an all-time low when it comes to her reputation. Not only has Cameron Diaz spent the last few months mortally offending entire civilisations and whipping out her boobs on TV, but she's also still being bombarded with questions about her split with Justin Timberlake. If it wasn't bad enough that Justin Timberlake has seemingly moved onto Jessica Biel – a definite upward curve – then imagine how she must feel being named as the woman who broke up a marriage to be with Criss Angel, a magician who looks like Avril Lavigne did five years ago.
Still, if we were Cameron Diaz we'd have done exactly what Criss Angel told us to as well. Look what he does to women who disobey him…
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