The phrase ‘Britney’s back’ terrifies us – usually because it’s followed by ‘Britney’s bald head’ and ‘Britney’s clodge’.
But this time Britney really is back. Yesterday, Britney Spears kicked off her 32-date comeback tour – almost certainly the most exhausting thing she’s done recently, excluding any activities involving umbrellas, cars or uncontrollable roadside weeping.
And guess what? Britney Spears’ first concert was a success. We know this because the people who consider themselves rabid enough Britney Spears fans to justify spending hundreds of dollars to watch a past-her-prime singer jiggle around in a number of impractical and ill-fitting costumes said it was.
Up until now, Britney Spears has had it easy as far as her comeback goes. As far as we can tell, recording her album just involved sauntering into a studio, repeating the word ‘womanizer’ a couple of times in a flat monotone and letting the producers make a song out of it. And promoting the album was a piece of cake, too – all she needed to do was take her clothes off, cover herself in goosefat and sob about how miserable she was.
But now? Now the real work starts. Because now Britney Spears is on tour, and she’ll have to exhaust herself night after night without anyone to help her – not her family, not her children, not even that man who supposedly used to mash drugs into her food for her. She’s on her own out there.
And, even though people stopped caring about her long ago, it looks as though Britney Spears is determined to turn this tour into a success. People reports from Britney’s opening show in New Orleans:
“Ahhh Britney!” gushed one concert-goer via a Twitter message posted on Spears’s Web site, which live-blogged the show in words and cell-phone photos. “Oh my god, she looks amazing,” said Joshua Matassa, 23, from New Orleans. “And the show’s a spectacle ? it really looks like a three-ring circus.” Later, fire shot out of the middle of the stage during “Slave.”
Elsewhere genuine Britney Spears fans, who attended the show and were in no way management stooges, also Twittered “Wow! Britney’s so cool and perfectly healthy these days,” “Gosh, you’d have to be a fool not to buy tickets to see this show when Britney comes to your town,” and “OMG the concession stall is perfectly affordable and surprisingly well-stocked. Come early to avoid disappointment.”
Oh, we’re just joking – as far as we know all the People quotes were from genuine Britney fans, even though we doubt any of them actually know how to use phones or computers. But what about the show itself?
Well, although it hasn’t been formally verbalised as such, it seems clear to us that the Britney Spears concert has a retrospective theme, dwelling on each of Britney’s phases.
The fire represents the early burst of enthusiasm that greeted her arrival onto the pop scene. The pole-dancing that accompanied Piece Of Me and Radar is a clear nod to mid-period Britney, where she first started to explore her sexuality. And the start of the show, where Britney gets lowered onto the stage from the rafters, was obviously an artistic interpretation of that time Britney went mental in rehab, thought she was the devil and tried to hang herself.
See? Simple.
Mr. Johnson says
when did mediocre lipsynching plus learning some choreography become a talent?
Julian Mentat says
Hang on… the non-payable loans have defaulted, the non-talented president is out of office, the non-liquid banks have collapsed, so why is the non-singing singer still in business?
lisa says
IT’S OKAY!!!I LOVED THE SHOW AT THE CIRCUS AND THOUGHT SHE DID A GREAT JOB…BUT TRUTHFULLY,ANYONE CAN DANCE A ROUTINE…SHE NEVER SANG A WORD THE WHOLE CONCERT…..BUT, GLAD FOR BRITNEY….SHE IS HOT AND SEXY AND STILL ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mithaearon says
lisa. TALKING IN CAPS DOES NOT MAKE YOU RIGHT.
What’s the point in going to a show and having the main act lipsync? I could just put on the CD at home if I wanted that. Can you imagine Mudhoney or the Jesus Lizard (seeing them May 11th!) lipsync?
Talentless trollop.
Julian Mentat says
Lisa, I’m hot and sexy and still alive, but I don’t charge you $70 to look at me.
Maybe I should?
OK, I turned on MTV and I’m miming to a song! Send cash please.
Mithaearon says
Julian sounds like you already have more talent than Britany and can at least turn something on (theres inuendo in there somewhere I am sure)
Where do we send the cash? :D
Clintwood East says
She never could sing. As her career in the early stages looked to be in trouble of nose-diving, she became a talentless trollop dressing in all manner to astonish (some would say to digust) people.
william says
I am a little late here. I think it doesn’t do Britney Spears any justice to call her talentless. She is by no means a singer and even farther from being a musician. She is, however, a great technical dancer. Mix that with a hint of stage presence and, in my opinion, you have what is at the very least a good performer. Once in awhile she will delve into song writing and producing and the results aren’t typically bad.
I did watch her recent circus tour and she has gone a long way from where she was at during the 2008 VMAs. However, she probably shouldn’t be on tour. Not yet, at least. But what can I say? She is a corporate Barbie doll. Once she can give her audience the same energy and performance glitter she was able to when she was 19, then she can go on tour. Regardless, She should know that the jig is up and if she is going to charge as much as she does for a concert, she should just admit what she already knows and what we already know; that her concerts are not by any means a music show.