Tomorrow Britney Spears sets off on her first tour since she went bananas and waved her ladyparts around.
But there’s just one problem. And that’s that, in these times of economic uncertainty, not too many people want to spend hundreds of dollars to sit in a giant room watching a mentally-uncertain pinprick listlessly screech her way through I’m Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman while dressed as a pikey on a hen night.
That’s exactly why people aren’t coming to our one-man show Hecklerspray Wishes It Had Ovaries, and it’s also why Britney Spears isn’t selling many concert tickets.
Britney Spears has already gone from being a best-selling pop princess to a blubber-faced, vagina-heaving, bald-headed nutter once in her life and – despite how much fun she thinks psychiatric disorders are – she doesn’t seem too keen to repeat the transformation.
That’s why everything so far in Britney Spears’ comeback has been planned with military efficiency. Britney’s comeback single Womanizer only got to number one because she was naked in the video, sending the message that looking at Britney Spears naked doesn’t mean staring up her grotty birth canal until your eyes go black and fall out any more.
And Britney’s album Circus, save for a couple of gramatically woeful stabs at rebellion, was full of chart-friendly songs about love and relationships and – possibly – having it off with your dad. The message from all of this was clear – if you go and see Britney Spears live in concert, she’s statistically less likely to dive into the front row and attack you in the face with her fingernails and teeth in the middle of Born To Make You Happy any more.
Except it doesn’t look like that message has quite got through yet. Britney’s big comeback concert starts tomorrow in New Orleans and, as MSNBC reports, nobody seems that interested:
At press time, there were still plenty of tickets left for the first show of the tour on March 3 in New Orleans. ?Group sales are down considerably,? says one person close to the production, ?and then you've got individual tickets that cost as much as $500 apiece. That's a lot of money to spend on an artist who isn't a sure bet right now.?
Of course, it’s going to take time for word of mouth to build up around Britney Spears’ tour – plus a soft start to the tour would probably suit Britney better than a high-pressured plunge into the deep end on the first night – but still, you would have expected demand to be a little higher than this.
After all, a few shows in and Britney Spears will have hit her stride. Honestly, if you want to see Britney Spears have a psychiatric relapse, clock her backing dancers in the temple with a microphone stand and then fall to the floor sobbing, these early shows are probably your best chance. Book now!
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frankie says
Well, somebody cared enough to write this article…
CitizenLand says
Concert ticket prices are obscene. No one, NO ONE is worth five hundred bucks. You can thank the legal scalping agencies like Ticketmaster for this. In 1979 the average price of a ticket was fifteen bucks. Even accounting for inflation thats far past what it should be. Then these “chosen people” wonder why the music industry is dying…..
Julian Mentat says
Concert tickets are expensive because young people are stupid.
JoeMomma says
Sad ohnesty here. I do quite like that picture of her though. Makes my parts feel funny.
chewy says
Does Joe Know?