So Britney Spears, you’re a number one singer, you can see your children more often and your hair’s grown back – are you happy?
No. No, obviously Britney Spears isn’t happy. In fact, judging by the slivers that have been leaked out about next month’s Britney Spears documentary Britney: For The Record, the poor girl seems sadder than ever. In the documentary, you see, Britney Spears compares her entire life to a prison sentence.
That’s not so bad, really – at least in prison you get three square meals a day, a bed to sleep on and as many violent bummings as a girl could wish for – but Britney Spears goes one step further than that. In fact, Britney Spears says her life is like Groundhog Day. And since that means it’ll culminate in a romantic encounter with Andie MacDowell, it’s clearly far far worse than any of us could possible imagine.
For a recovering psychiatric patient who couldn’t even feed herself earlier this year, Britney Spears has come on great shakes in recent months. She’s been granted increased visitation rights to her children, she’s got her professional life back on track to the extent that her singles go to number one, she’s allowed to sing alongside Madonna again and the thought of Britney Spears naked no longer inspires vomiting and madness.
So what’s Britney Spears got to be miserable about? Well, since you asked, everything.
As part of what looks like a trade-off with MTV where she gets to win all sorts of awards that she doesn’t deserve, the network is airing a warts and all documentary about Britney’s darkest days called something like Britney: Requiem For A Scalp later this month, and it looks as if it’ll be as wildly depressing as anything you could ever imagine.
For instance, now that her parents are keeping her personally and financially under lockdown, Britney Spears feels as if her life has become a prison sentence that she’ll never be freed from. Admittedly it’s a prison sentence in a jail that looks a lot like a sprawling mansion and, rather than get paid pennies for sewing mailbags, she gets paid millions of dollars to repeat the word ‘womanizer’ over and over to the sound of a Casio keyboard preset, but anyway. Here’s how Britney describes her life:
“I have really good days, and then I have bad days… Even when you go to jail, y’know, there’s the time when you’re gonna get out. But in this situation, it’s never ending. It’s just like ‘Groundhog Day.’ I’m having to pay for it for a really long time. If I wasn’t under the restraints that I’m under right now, I’d feel so liberated.”
Since historically Britney Spears seems to equate liberation with falling out of cars without any pants on, throwing up on relative strangers and smashing cars to pieces with an umbrella in bald-headed rage attacks, we’d argue that her current restraints are probably for the best for the time being.
But still, let’s just hope that MTV only decided to leak the most depressing segment of Britney: They Shoot Horses, Dont They. Because, honestly, if this is as lighthearted the documentary gets, we’re going to boycott the new Britney Spears album in case she ends up blowing the royalties on a nice new noose.
gir says
I agree with Britney, she should be let loose; wild and free, she can provide much more entertainment than any mopey, crying-in-my-cocktail-of-antipsychotics, self-indulgent twaddle could ever hope for.
Besides, I’ll laugh like hell when she digs up Jobriath’s corpse for a duet of “Oops…I Did it Again” at Glastonbury. I think a lot of people will. But the only people that will enjoy this documentary bullshit are the kind of voyeuristic mongoloids that will just watch whatever cultural detritus is showing on VH1.
Eugene says
Lifting the restrictions on Britney’s life would also be a welcome boost to the hard hit paparazzi business. Paps sorely miss the halcyon days of last year when opportunities for taking photos of Britney doing crazy things (attacking cars with umbrellas, ‘going commando’, committing moving violations, etc.) were frequent, and the resulting photos often sold for $100,000 and up. Since the conservatorship took over Britney’s life in January, all that has been left are occasional photo opportunities of a sane-looking Britney that don’t have anything like the same kind of market value.
The result has been a serious decline in the income of paparazzi photographers, many repossessed BMWs, and a serious decline in business for some Los Angeles area collision repair shops. Paparazzi have been also badly hit by the near-simultaneous decline in interest by the public in Paris Hilton, as well as a prolonged period of good behaviour from Lindsay Lohan. Hopes that Miley Cyrus might evolve into a similarly valuable source of material remain unfounded. It is rumoured that unofficial talks are being held with government officials regarding a bailout of paparazzi photographers to prevent a complete collapse of the industry.
The paparazzi are hopeful that the restrictions on Britney will soon be lifted, and that pink wigged, faux British accent crazy Britney will be back on the road. Shares of Starbucks (stock symbol SBUX) increased moderately in anticipation.
TJ says
God I love it when Google news picks up a HS entry & makes it their headline.
I smile each time I think of the uninitiated puzzling over the nasty tone of the text – Go Hecklerspray
Ruzanna says
given the amount of stupid things she has done so far, i don’t think she’ll be happy ever, definitely.