Britney Spears sealed her comeback at the MTV VMAs last night, opening the show by powering out a breathtakingly choreographed medley of her biggest hits.
Which is obviously a massive lie. Everyone knew that Britney Spears was opening the MTV VMAs last night – the press release, endless media coverage, MTV VMA promo spots and commemorative ‘Hey, Did Anyone Mention That Britney Spears Is Opening The MTV VMAs This Year?’ noddyheads made sure about that – but nobody knew how she’d do it.
And the answer was simple – by walking onstage, reading about three sentences mentioning that she was opening the MTV VMAs and then walking offstage again. And best of all, Britney Spears only messed up one word of it. Welcome back, Britney. You’re so much nicer when you’re robotically dull.
The MTV VMAs are always a big deal, provided you’re 13 and still care about MTV, but last year’s show was perhaps the biggest deal ever – it was the year when Britney Spears threw away her entire career by not hiding her hair extensions very well and looking confused.
But what a difference a year makes. That performance jolted Britney into concentrating on her comeback, which she did by failing to promote her album, having a breakdown on a pavement, locking her son in a bathroom with her until the police were called , getting taken to a mental hospital, being medically diagnosed as Gravely Disabled, losing custody of her kids forever and going on a sitcom a couple of times. It’s basically the same way that Sylvester Stallone prepared for his fight against Dolph Lundgren in Rocky 4.
But all of that paid off last night, when Britney Spears made her massively-hyped comeback at the VMAs. What would it involve, we wondered beforehand. A song? A surprise walk-on spot during someone else’s performance? Or would Britney Spears go all out and give us all what we wanted – a stiffly-delivered spoken word introduction that barely lasts ten seconds and yet still manages to mangle the word ‘anniversary’ into a completely brand new form?
Oh Britney, you never let us down, do you?
“Thank you so much. Thank you for all the love. I’m here tonight to celebrate a very important birthday, the 25th anniversity of the VMAs. This is the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards and it starts right now.”
But that wasn’t the last sighting of Britney Spears at the VMAs, though – she also triumphed in the awards themselves, winning Best Video, Best Pop Video, Best Female and the unofficial Oh Christ How Many Awards Do We Have To Promise Her To Make Sure She Turns Up award.
Other highlights of the MTV VMAs included Christina Aguilera wanting to be Katy Perry so badly it was sort of awkward to watch, Kanye West debuting his new single – a brave new mix of dance music and accidentally off-kilter singing, and a virgin throwing a tantrum at Russell Brand because Russell Brand said virgins were stupid or something.
But the night undoubtedly belonged to Britney Spears, who showed what an incredible turnaround her life has gone through since last year’s debacle. Who knows, give it another decade or two and Britney might even be ready to actually sing.
Elvis says
What exactly is this MTV you speak of?
Joke Police says
Russell Brand made a joke about Bristol Palin. Where’s your story about that? Would have got 100 comments, guaranteed.
Or have you decided to cut down on the loony-baiting?
gir says
what was the joke, i don’t care enough about Russel Brand or Bristol Palin to look it up so i will rely on someone to post it here
Sarah says
aw man, i’m so glad i looked that up for you, gir. i’m not sure who he is, or what he’s famous for, because i stopped watching tv a long time ago:
BRAND: “Now, as a representative of the global community and a visitor from abroad, I don’t want to come across a little bit biased, but could I please ask of you people of America, to PLEASE ELECT BARACK OBAMA. Please! On behalf of the world. (Camera pans to singers Chris Brown and Britney Spears applauding and cheering.) Some people, I think they’re called racists, say that America is not ready for a black president. But I know America to be a forward-thinking country, right. Because, otherwise, you know, would you have let that retarded cowboy fellow be president for eight years?
We were very impressed. It was nice of you to let him have a go. Because in England, George Bush wouldn’t be trusted with a pair of scissors.
I am obliged by broadcasting law to show some balance in this situation, which means, uh, the Republicans might be alright. Sarah Palin. She’s a VILF! A vice president I’d like to…fumble, fondle, I dunno. I do feel a little bit sorry for her daughter, getting pregnant, poor kid. Is it a boy? Is it a girl? It’s a P.R. stunt. Come on. Be honest.
And I feel most sorry for that poor teenaged father. Boy. One minute, he’s just a teenaged lad in Alaska having joyful, unprotected sex. And the next minute: Get to the Republican convention. I think that is the best safe sex message of all time. Use a condom or become Republican! …That boy will spend the rest of his life masturbating while wearing a condom…
…New music, new president, and brand new America. And you people deserve it after eight years of Bush. I promise you, you deserve it…”
gir says
Well thanks but I can’t read all that. Way too long. I’m looking for something in the “Setup, punchline” format.
movie fan says
the best part of the VMA’s was Kanye West’s performance at the end… the worst part was the host (what’s with the accent?)