Make no mistake, Britney Spears is the MTV VMAs, whether she’s writhing with a snake, kissing Madonna with tongues or obliterating her entire career forever.
An MTV VMAs show without Britney Spears isn’t an MTV VMAs show – it’s just an excuse for Chris Brown to wobble around like his knickers are filled up with puffer fish. So imagine how thrilled we are to learn that Britney Spears will not only be appearing at this Sunday’s MTV VMAs, but actually opening them!
It’s wonderful news, and the perfect chance for Britney Spears to erase the painful memory of her stumbling around and failing to mime to her own song at last year’s show. Now she gets to replace that with a new memory of her having a giant panic attack onstage and ending up lying in the fetal position, rocking backwards and forwards, yanking fistfuls of hair out of her scalp and screaming abuse at a monster that only she can see.
We’re guessing.
Say what you like about Britney Spears but she isn’t a quitter. Nope. She definitely isn’t a quitter. Britney Spears never quits. Not even when it’s blindingly obvious to everyone that quitting would probably be the most dignified and medically sensible thing she could do. No way, that’s not Britney Spears.
Case in point – Britney’s embarrassingly lacklustre performance at last year’s MTV VMAs. The hair was bad, the dancing was sloppy, the abdominal muscles were crayoned on and – although the feeling of sad desperation was actually quite convincing – the whole thing was so bad that people were calling it Britney’s lowest moment of all time.
But Britney’s not a quitter. Contrary to a statement by her own manager last week, Britney Spears has just announced that she’s going to take to the stage once more and dramatically open the 2008 MTV VMAs on Sunday. Reuters reports:
“MTV has long played an important role in my career,” Spears said in a statement. “How can I not be there to kick off their 25th VMAs? I’m excited to open the entire show, to say hi to my fans and to be nominated.”
Now, you might think that Britney Spears has lost her mind for opening the MTV VMAs – after all, she hasn’t performed in public at all since last year and she’ll be under more scrutiny than ever before on Sunday – but you have nothing to worry about.
Last year’s trainwreck? That was the old Britney Spears. On Sunday you’ll see the brand new Britney Spears, a woman who’s spent the last year being kept in a mental asylum and constantly getting reminded that she’s a dangeously unfit parent. See? Nothing to worry about.
We don’t know what Britney Spears has planned for the MTV VMAs on Sunday – details are being kept tightly under wraps at the moment – but we honestly hope it goes well for her. Our advice to Britney Spears is that if she wants to make people love her again, she should remind them of why they loved her by doing something genuinely popular that she’s already done before.
That’s right, we want Britney Spears to take her knickers off and divorce Kevin Federline again. It’ll go down a storm, trust us.