Anyone with even the vaguest passing interest in pop will have noticed that all isn't especially well in the world of Britney Spears right now, and it didn't exactly take a genius to guess that a Britney Spears suicide attempt was on the cards, either.
But what nobody could have guessed at in a million years is just how mental Britney Spears' suicide attempt would be. Perhaps realising that something spectacular would be needed to top her previous zany exploits, Britney Spears reportedly scrawled the number 666 on top of her bald head, ran around her rehab centre screaming "I am the Antichrist!" and then tried to hang herself with a bed sheet, before seeing the error of her ways and possibly deciding to get back with Kevin Federline for some reason. Of course, we should have seen this coming – in her song Oops I Did It Again, you can clearly hear Britney Spears sing "Oops I did it again/ I painted spooky numbers on my shiny head, loudly proclaimed myself to be the human embodiment of the universe's evil in front of some drug addicts and then tried to do myself in with some bedding/ Oh baby baby."
There was a time when every little girl on the planet wanted to be Britney Spears and dress up as a schoolgirl and sing songs about men hitting them in the face and them liking it, but not any more. Britney Spears effectively stopped being a role-model around the time that a statue was made of Britney with a baby's head poking out of her arse, but just to reinforce the point that she's fallen from grace, Britney Spears has been indulging in some pretty heavy-duty crazy lately.
This started off in the normal way – Britney Spears showed you her vagina and then gushed puke into her boyfriend's hands like a manky vending machine – but it wasn't nearly disturbing enough to hit home properly. And that's when Britney Spears shaved off all her hair, tried to go to rehab before leaving the next day, then smashed up a car with an umbrella in an uncomfortable show of instability before trying out rehab again. Still not convinced that Britney Spears is in the middle of a fairly serious breakdown? Well then, Britney Spears will write evil biblical numbers on her dome, shriek about being Satan and then try to hang herself with part of a bed, just for you. News Of The World reports:
In a week of rehab madness the bonkers beauty wrote the number of the beast, 666, on her shaved head before running round the clinic screaming "I am the Antichrist!" at frightened staff. "Later that night she tried to kill herself," a friend told us. "She attached a sheet to a light and tied it around her neck. Paramedics were called, but luckily she was unhurt." … Her pal told us: "She is still very vulnerable. Last Saturday she said she had the number 666 written onto her bald head. She was crying, and shouting, ‘I am the Antichrist!' The clinic people just didn't know what to do. Then she started screaming, ‘I'm a fake! I'm a fake!' It must have been really frightening. When she tried to hang herself it was more a cry for help."
It's thought that Britney Spears' suicide attempt was spurred on by one of three things; a) a rumoured fondness for crystal meth, b) her ongoing break-up with Kevin Federline or c) the fact that some idiot let Britney talk to Daniel Baldwin last week. We're guessing c.
But, hey, at least this story has a kind of happy ending. Although Britney Spears has cut off all her hair, declared herself to be the Antichrist and tried to kill herself, the ever-supportive presence of Kevin Federline appears to have placated her to the point where Britney Spears now wants to get back with him and have more of his babies because he's apparently now a changed man.
We're sure that Kevin taking his kids to see Britney in rehab must've helped Britney stop trying to murder herself while screaming about being the devil – but, really? More kids with Kevin Federline? He's a man whose career highlight came when he fried some chips on an advert once. Which technically is a better career highlight than going bald, daubing unconvincing satanic birthmarks on your head and claiming to be an evil supernatural entity in front of some people with substance abuse problems, but still…