Seriously, talk about a missed opportunity. Apparently Martin Sheen will play Uncle Ben in the Spider-Man reboot.

Martin Sheen. Old man West Wing president Martin Sheen. What’s the point in that? Hopefully the reports we read were wrong, and it’s actually Charlie Sheen who’d been signed to play Uncle Ben in the Spider-Man reboot. Because, admit it, that would be incredible – especially when he came to say the line “With great power comes great responsi… WHERE’S MY WALLET? WAARRRGH! IT WAS FULL OF ALL MY COCAINE! I’LL KILL YOU! I’M GOING TO TAKE OFF ALL MY CLOTHES AND THEN KILL ALL OF YOU! BLEEURAAARGH! Oh man, I’m so hammered right now.”

But, no, fine, why don’t you just cast Martin Sheen instead? You absolute morons. Sheesh.

Uncle Ben is often cited as the most important figure in Spider-Man’s origin story, because if it wasn’t for his “With great power comes great responsibility” speech right before he dies, Peter Parker would probably just use his Spider-Man powers to look at women’s bras and make old people fall over. Just like you would. Oh, don’t try and deny it. It’s written all over your face, you cruel pervert.

But still, this all means that the casting of Uncle Ben is paramount to the success of the Spider-Man reboot. Uncle Ben needs to be kindly, and he needs to be benevolent, and he has to be capable of laying the world’s most ginormous guilt-trip on a teenage boy from his deathbed. Cast it wrong and the whole thing falls apart. So who have producers reportedly cast to play Uncle Ben in the Spider-Man reboot? Well, Martin Sheen, obviously. It was written in the headline and we’ve already mentioned it about four times. Pay more attention, would you? Jesus.

Anyway, EW reports:

Director Marc Webb (500 Days of Summer) continues casting Sony’s Spider-Man revamp, slated for 2012. EW.com has confirmed that the helmer has tapped Martin Sheen (The West Wing, Apocalypse Now) to play the role of Uncle Ben.

See? But you know what? Martin Sheen was a terrible choice. He’ll be a terrible Uncle Ben. Here’s why:

1 - His haircut makes him look like Gary Oldman‘s Dracula.

2 - He’s already too recognisable from his most famous role. When Martin Sheen is trying to convince us that he’s Uncle Ben, we’ll all be thinking “You’re not Uncle Ben. You’re that bloke. You know, Praxis from one episode of the short-lived 1999 TV series Total Recall 2070.”

3 - Basically the only thing that Martin Sheen has to say in the entirety of the film is “With great power comes great responsibility”, which would be fine except he’s Charlie Sheen’s dad. Surely if he wants his parental message to ring true, that line should be changed to “With great power comes… oh, just do whatever the hell you like. Try to kill your wife on Christmas day. Take all your clothes off and smash up a hotel room because you think a prostitute has stolen your phone for all I care. Seriously, go crazy.” This probably wouldn’t work as well, to be honest.

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Look, you don’t mess with Demi Lovato. You just don’t. In fact, you don’t mess with any tweeny Disney stars.

Vanessa Hudgens? No. Miley Cyrus? No, her face has seen things, you can tell. The Jonas Brothers? No, not unless you want to have your arse kicked by the full force of their furious three-way eyebrows/ virginity combo. But you really, really don’t want to mess with Demi Lovato.

You may recall that Demi Lovato recently went to rehab. Some suggested that this was because she was addicted to drugs. Some suggested that it was because she was addicted to alcohol. Some suggested that it was because she was addicted to purging ever meal she eats. But no. If the rumours are correct, then Demi Lovato is in rehab because she’s addicted to punching one dancer in the face once and then freaking out about it. Who knew?

In the league table of Disney tween poppets, Demi Lovato is way behind the likes of Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens. This is because she’s never posted pictures of herself naked or nearly-naked on the internet. True, she starred in Camp Rock with the Jonas Brothers, and she’s fairly well-known for definitely never having any sex with any of the Jonas Brothers whatsoever, but when the time came to further her career by taking photos of her naked body and leaking them onto the internet, she choked. And thus a potentially great career was snipped off before it could even begin.

A setback like that has to hurt a girl, so it was sad but not surprising when Demi Lovato recently wound up in rehab. After all, something has to be seriously wrong with you if you have to go to rehab. You have to be addicted to drugs. Or booze. Or sex which, as David Duchovny or Tiger Woods will tell you, is definitely a real addiction and not just something you make up when your wife catches you nobbing a slag. So which was it? Which of these awful addictions had Demi Lovato succumbed to?

Actually, none of them. If reports are true, then Demi Lovato is in rehab being treated for her addiction to punching a solitary dancer in the face one single time, because she thought that the dancer had blabbed about a secret party of hers. Which is apparently a genuine addiction that needs professional residential treatment now. CNN reports:

Lovato confronted a young dancer, whom she thought might have been the one to blame for telling on her. “There was a short, physical altercation,” says the source, adding that it was “one-sided.” “Afterwards, Demi felt awful about her behavior and realized she needed to take personal responsibility for it,” says the family source.

So there you have it. Demi Lovato is apparently in rehab because she might have punched someone. Look out for Demi’s next single, a cover of Amy Winehouse‘s Rehab that’s been rewritten to include the line “I tried to check myself into rehab/ They said ‘But Demi, you’re not even addicted to anything and rehab really isn’t the most suitable course of treatment for you. In fact, you’re basically making a mockery of the entire rehab system here, you gigantic bellend/ No no no’”.

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Lil Wayne has always been the problem Wayne. Big Wayne, for instance, always made a point to keep his head down.

And Medium-Sized Wayne? Why, butter wouldn’t melt in Medium-Sized Wayne’s mouth. But Lil Wayne has always been trouble. That’s why he’s just spent the last eight months in jail for spacking about illegally with an automatic gun. But those days are over – yesterday Lil Wayne was released from jail, and as a result he’s got plenty of lost time to make up for.

What’s on the cards for newly-free Lil Wayne? Well, according to reports, he’s planning a great big Welcome Home party for himself in Miami. That sounds delightful. Lil Wayne will show those other rappers what a real party is. Happy Meals and fairy cakes all round!

Although a jail sentence – especially a jail sentence in the notorious Riker’s Island prison – is nobody’s idea of fun, we fully expect that Lil Wayne was sad to leave his cell yesterday. After all, what are the two things you can count on in jail? That’s right – drugs and catastrophically shit tattoos. Lil Wayne loves drugs, and God knows he loves catastrophically shit tattoos – throw in an electric guitar that he could thrash about tunelessly at in the mistaken belief that people will love his musicianship as much as they love his rapping, and the man would have been in heaven.

But that’s all in the past now. After serving eight months of his year-long sentence for attempted felony gun possession, Lil Wayne is now a free man. And, just like all free men before him, what was the first thing Lil Wayne did upon his release? Have an emotional reunion with the people he loves the most? Renew his belief in God? Breathe in a deep lungful of crisp autumnal air and silently vow never to take his freedom for granted again?

No you idiots, he tried to see how many superfluous vowels and consonants he could write on Twitter. That’s what everyone does when they get out of prison. You idiot. CNN reports:

Early Thursday morning, Lil Wayne, whose real name is Dwayne Carter, was released from an eight month stint at Riker’s Island, tweeting “#WelcomeHomeWeezy” and “aaaaaaahhhhhhmmmmm baaaaakkkkkkkkkk” within hours of his release.

But it’s the next step that will be much more interesting to witness. Apparently there will soon be a huge, no expense spared party to mark Lil Wayne’s release. It’s apparently being organised by the Cash Money family, a group of old-style aristocrats that can be traced back to the moment when Jeremy Percington Cash married Elizabeth Chastity Money in 1702. The Cash-Moneys have long been famed for their enchanting soirees, so Lil Wayne can expect an evening of the finest hand-cut cucumber sandwiches and tea like he’s never tasted served in the most exquisite china.

Or the Cash Money family are just Lil Wayne’s gang of low-grade hangers-on, and the party will involve everyone standing around drinking cough medicine out of a polystyrene cup. One or the other.

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Space Invaders might be a classic, iconic, world-changing videogame, but you know what it doesn’t have enough of? That’s right: sperm.

Fortunately Sperm Invasion counters this imbalance with ease. You play a natty little cupid, standing on an ovum trying to fend off all the waves of oncoming spunk with your tiny mythic arrows. Fail to protect yourself properly and you’ll end up getting knocked up. Sperm Invasion is excellent, and if you don’t play it then we’ll quickly refuse to like you any more. FACT.

Play Sperm Invasion now

So, here we are again. Less than two months after I left, I’m back editing hecklerspray.

Don’t all spaff your pants at once, though. I’m only here for one day, while my disappointing replacement Mof Gimmers gets his vaginal fistula treated by an underqualified backstreet surgeon. Come Monday I’ll be gone and you’ll all either regard today as an unfunny blip on an otherwise improving website or you’ll simply forget about me entirely again.

So let’s have fun today, shall we? FUN! Woo! Yeah! Let’s have lots of FUN and be really HAPPY!

I’m sorry. I’ve changed.

So, this is it. My last post as hecklerspray editor. Weird.

I’ve been with hecklerspray for over five years, in which time I’ve written almost 9,000 posts, won awards, helped the site become quite big and received more woefully misspelled death threats than I could ever count. So these next few paragraphs might be a little bit self-indulgent. Sorry.

Mainly, I need to thank some people. Chris and Dave, the shadowy hecklerspray puppeteers, for giving me this chance in the first place. Friends and family, for putting up with me when I’ve ignored them in favour of work. Michael Bay’s lawyer, for not going completely apeshit that time I accidentally called his client a murderer. Britney Spears, for shaving her hair and going mental that time. Seriously, Britney, that was hilarious.

And, obviously, all the hecklerspray writers past and present, even though the last thing their bloated collective ego needs is praise.

Most of all, though, I should thank the hecklerspray readers. Over the years, more than anyone else, you’ve helped to make the site what it is. You’ve been quick to compliment (and even quicker to criticise) and this blog would be a pointless empty husk if it weren’t for you lot. I’ve got to know a few of you over the years, and I’ll miss you all ridiculously.

Not that this is the end of hecklerspray of course. My replacement Mof Gimmers has already shown that he’s a mighty editor, and a funny bastard, so I’ve no doubt that he’s going to completely overshadow anything I’ve ever accomplished within about an hour and a half of taking over. And, who knows, I might still come back and write the odd bit whenever I can.

Speaking of which, I’m not dying or anything. If you want, you can still read my Guardian stuff, plus you can all keep in touch on Twitter and Facebook and whatnot. That’d be quite nice, actually.

Ugh. Sincerity. How vulgar. This must be my excuse to get drunk.

Toodleoo everyone. It’s been a ball.

Stu.

PS: There’s usually a thing here about following hecklerspray on Facebook and Twitter, but putting that bit in was always a bit of a ballache so I won’t bother. But, you know, do.

There is literally nothing that Lady Gaga can’t do. She can wear impractical frocks, and she can, um…

Look, it’s mainly the impractical dress thing, OK? She’s not exactly a superhero, is she? Honestly, you lot should really consider re-evaluating the level of personal investment you put into these people. It’s not doing you any good. So Lady Gaga can wear some uncomfortable-looking clothes and do a passable imitation of Madonna. So what? She’s just a person. What else has she ever done that’s so great? Huh?

Oh, actually she managed to stop a fight at one of her recent concerts by shouting at the audience and then sort of wiggling her bum around a bit. That’s sort of cool. If you like that sort of thing. There’s a video of it after the jump if you’re really that interested. You are? Oh, you people.

Having seen some of her music videos, it seems clear to how how Lady Gaga should break up a fight. She should either covertly poison the instigator to death like in the Telephone video, or she should copy the Alejandro video and just get a police to dress up in a bondage outfit and stand around forlornly while a bunch of men bum each other in the background.That would almost definitely stop most fights.

But just because Lady Gaga should stop fights like that, it doesn’t mean that she will. She could just as easily stop whichever song she’s performing halfway through, yell as hard as she can and then, somewhat ashamed that she’s just essentially screamed a variation of “LEAVE IT! HE’S NOT WORTH IT!” like a drunk girl at a wedding, ask people how sexy they think she is, wiggle her bottom about and fall over. That would also work.

And it did. This week in Washington, a fight broke out between two audience members at a Lady Gaga concert. Nobody knows what they fighting about – maybe one was obscuring the other’s view of Gaga’s crotch-bulge, or perhaps they couldn’t decide which of her songs sounded the most like an existing Madonna song – but it took Lady Gaga to put an end to it. Look…

See? See the positivity that Lady Gaga spreads? Her concerts are all about love and unity and happiness. And T-shirts. And lightning bolt make-up kits. And tour programmes that cost $75 a pop. And, to be honest, a lot of songs that all sound quite similar.

But, you know, mainly love and unity and happiness and shit like that.

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Now this is a psychological nightmare. Depict1 is possibly one of the most menacing online game we’ve ever had to play.

And the worst thing is that we can’t tell you why. The secret of Depict1 is, well, a secret. The only way to get to the bottom of it is to play it. Or, you know, not play it. In fact, no, don’t play Depict1. Don’t.

Don’t play Depict1 now

First the bad news: David and Victoria Beckham have got a new perfume out, called Intimately Yours.

Why is that bad news? Because, obviously, if you have any pikeys in your family, there’s a chance that you’re going to get a bottle of this muck for Christmas. Apparently Intimately Yours smells of oranges and frozen basil, which we assume is a polite way of saying that it smells like earwax and vinegar and what Pot Noodles smell like if you wee into them and leave it for a month. Who knows. Either way, it sounds terrible.

But now the good news: David and Victoria Beckham have made a TV commercial for Intimately Yours, and it’s such a flurry of superfast information that we’re going to have to decode it scene by scene after the jump for you. Hooray? HOORAY!

In the interests of fairness, it’s only right that we should present you with the full advert for David and Victoria Beckham’s Intimately Yours. You can thank us for subjecting you to this later, possibly when you’ve finished trying to punch your own eyeballs out…

Did you catch all that? No? You didn’t? Even though it was only 22 seconds long and so painfully simplistic that even a child could understand it? What are you, stupid? Are you actually stupider than a child? Is that it? Honestly, you make us sick, you dribbling sub-infant. Look at you. But, oh fine, because you clearly don’t have the cerebral capacity to process moving images, let’s break the David and Victoria Beckham Intimately Yours ad down into stills for you. But we won’t forget this, oh no.

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 1

David Beckham is just hanging out in a lift, in a tuxedo, probably on his way to start the first shift of his new job as a waiter in a shitty Italian restaurant or something, when he spies a woman walking towards him. “Hello hello,” he thinks, “David Beckham’s luck is about it to be IN. This looks like… could it be?”

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 2

“Bugger it,” David Beckham thinks, clearly miffed. “This isn’t Rebecca Loos after all. It’s the wife. Bollocks, I thought I was on for a quick shag then. What if she starts singing at me? Oh God, this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Why does my life has to be so relentlessly shit?”

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 3

So David Beckham does what any man would do in his situation – he starts choking Victoria Beckham to death with his bare hands.

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 4

“I REGRET NOTHING!” Victoria Beckham shouts as David Beckham squeezes the life out of her with his thumbs. “Nothing?” David Beckham replies. “Well, maybe the Spice Girls getting back together wasn’t such a great idea,” Victoria Beckham replies after a period of thoughtful consideration. “And that duet with Dane Bowers wasn’t very good. And remember when I pierced my lip? Jesus, I COMPLETELY regret that. In fact, all of my solo career. And most of my haircuts, for that matter. And, God I forgot, I made us name one of our kids ‘Romeo’, didn’t I? What a bellend…”

“Yeah, alright, bloody hell, I didn’t want your life story,” says David Beckham, and then makes sure that he definitely kills her for good just so he doesn’t have to listen to her whiny voice any more.

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 5

Fortunately David Beckham has just the thing to convince the world that Victoria Beckham is still alive – an inflatable sex doll modelled on a moderately-priced prostitute. Nobody could possibly tell the difference. But what’s this? A puncture? In her neck? Oh no!

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 6

So David Beckham does his best to re-inflate the doll through its mouth before his evil secret is revealed. But it’s no good – air is still escaping from the neck. And the lift doors are opening. You’re just going to have to wing it, David!

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 7

So he does. As the lift doors open, an exhausted David stands next to his withered, vacant-looking inflatable sex doll that’s been dressed up to look like Victoria Beckham. Ironically, the fact that the doll is withered and vacant is exactly what convinces so many people that it’s actually the real Victoria Beckham. David Beckham is victorious again! Now buy his perfume or something OR YOU’LL BE NEXT.

You’re welcome.

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Sorry everyone. You had your chance. Halle Berry was single, and that’s when you should have made your move.

It wouldn’t have been successful. She’s Halle Berry for crying out loud – if she hadn’t laughed directly in your face for having the brazen temerity to even think that you had a shot at her, then her merciless hoots of derision as she took her first glance at your gnarled, withered excuse for a semi-erect penis would have destroyed your chances for sure. She’s Halle Berry. You’re just some bloke. Gain some perspective, for God’s sake. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Anyway. The point is that even if Halle Berry wasn’t so far out of your league that you barely even count as the same species, it’s too late. Apparently she’s going out with Olivier Martinez now. So, you know, please continue to be pointless and lonely.

All anyone wants is for Halle Berry to be happy. Actually, that’s not strictly true – all anyone really wants is for Halle Berry to make a film that isn’t so utterly hopeless from beginning to end that they invariably start hacking away at their flesh with the nearest piece of jagged metal they can find just to make the whole experience less painful – but the happiness thing probably comes in as a close second in the desire stakes, alongside wanting her to take her clothes off more.

And, finally, it looks like Halle Berry has achieved the happiness that we’ve all been wishing for. Yes, admittedly you may have thought that she’d achieved happiness when she married that guy, or when she married that other guy, or when she had that baby with another guy who didn’t have anything to do with either of the two previous guys, but you’d be wrong. Because those things only made Halle Berry unhappy.

But now there have been reports that Halle Berry has enjoyed the occasional furtive snog with Olivier Martinez, the co-star of her new film, we’re definitely ready once and for all to say forever that Halle Berry has discovered lifelong happiness that will never ever go away ever again ever. The New York Daily News reports:

The new lovebirds were reportedly spotted kissing and cozying up to each other as they explored Martinez’s hometown of Paris. “It was the classic ‘I’m going to kiss you here in a dark corner’ move,” a spy said of the couple. “And she was waiting to be kissed.” Before heading back to the actor’s home, the pair reportedly stopped along a narrow street to engage in a two-minute long smoochfest in a doorway.

So let’s all just be happy for Halle Berry, OK? Let’s all be happy that one incredibly good-looking millionaire had an encounter with another incredibly good-looking millionaire that’s several times more romantic than anything any of us normal people will ever experience in our entire meaningless lives. OK? That doesn’t make us want to crawl into a corner and weep at all.

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Like gambling? Don’t like having plates thrown at your head when you’ve finished gambling because your wife’s upset about you blowing all your savings on a cockfight?

Then boy oh boy, are you going to love Riskful Thinking. It’s all the fun of gambling, with none of the catastrophic financial ruin. Here’s how it works – you’re given $10,000 and shoved inside a little casino. Win enough and you can progress to a bigger casino. Win enough there and you can progress to a place where dogs fight each other and people play Russian Roulette. Win enough there and you can blow it all on the stock market and end up penniless. Or you can take the money leave whenever you like. But who’d do that?

Play Riskful Thinking now

Throughout this Wayne Rooney prostitute palaver, one person has been keeping conspicuously silent.

Wayne Rooney? No. Colleen Rooney? No. The prostitute who allegedly had it off with Wayne Rooney all those times? Well, obviously not, no – she’s barely been able to keep her trap shut all week. No, we’re talking about the prostitute’s dad. How are we supposed to get a rounded picture of the scandal unless the man who fathered the woman who reportedly received money to put Wayne Rooney’s penis in her mouth gives his opinion on the matter?

Well, it must be our lucky day. Hamish Thompson – the father of prostitute Jenny Thompson – has offered a sincere apology to Colleen Rooney. So that’s that sorted out, then.

As we reported earlier this week, there’s a very good chance that Colleen Rooney will leave Wayne Rooney for good following his alleged visits to prostitute Jenny Thompson. It’s not the fact that Wayne slept with another woman that stung Colleen the most, and nor is it the fact that Wayne paid for sex. No, it’s the fact that at no point have Jenny Thompson’s parents offered any form of grovelling apology to her for essentially creating the vagina that’s caused all this bother.

Well, fear not. It may have taken a few days, but Jenny Thompson’s parents have finally got around to saying sorry to Colleen Rooney. The marriage is back on! The Sun reports:

Mortified dad Hamish, 55, issued the couple’s “most sincere apologies” to the mum of one and her family. Mr Thompson said: “This may sound somewhat hollow, but my wife and I would never condone what has or may have happened.”  He stressed they had “absolutely no idea” their daughter had been selling herself for sex – let alone to the married Manchester United superstar for £1,200 a night.

Good. Frankly, if you ask us, every time a celebrity gets caught having it away with a prostitute, their parents should come forward and personally apologise to the celebrity’s wife. Obviously sometimes it can’t happen – the parents of the first prostitute Wayne Rooney was caught with couldn’t apologise, for example, because they must be about 3,000 years old – but whenever it can, it should.

In fact, why stop there. Where are Jenny Thompson’s grandparents here? They’re just as responsible for the DNA of Jenny Thompson’s leased-out mimsy as anyone else, so where are their sincere apologies? And while we’re at it, why not conduct a seance so that Colleen Rooney can hear the disappointed sighs of all of Jenny Thompson’s dead relatives? Colleen deserves to hear their supernatural anguish. She does.

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Don’t tell William Shatner about aliens. He knows all about aliens. He was captain of the Starship Enterprise.

He’s met loads of aliens. Admittedly most of them looked identical to minor 1960s television actresses and, by ‘met’, we obviously mean that William Shatner has tried poking his fingers up their mimsies at least once in a boneheaded and morally dubious explanation of what love is, but he’s definitely met them. And that’s why he’s so certain that there is life on other planets.

Yes, William Shatner has come out and conclusively stated his belief in aliens. And, yes, the reason we’re telling you this is because arse-all else has happened today and we’d clearly prefer to screech on about nothing than do decent thing and just shut up for a change. Happy now?

Is there life on other planets? This is a question that has divided humans for decades. Some think there is, some think there isn’t, most really haven’t given it much thought because they’re busy people and it really doesn’t make much of a difference either way and shut up because Cash In The Attic‘s on in a minute. But William Shatner knows. Oh, he knows alright.

Actually, he doesn’t know. William Shatner doesn’t have the foggiest about whether aliens can realistically exist or not. How could he? He’s not an astrobiologist. He’s just a man who pretended to be a spaceman for a TV show and then sold something he’d pissed out to a casino. It’s simply his opinion that aliens exist. You know, just like how it was his opinion that releasing a spoken-word album of hits of the day in the 1960s would be a good idea, or that nobody would ever be able to tell that he’s wearing a wig. In short, William Shatner’s opinion is so flawless that we may as well regard it as fact.

Still reading this? Hooray, your lives are as bleak and empty as ours! By way of a congratulation, here’s what William Shatner said about the possibility of life on other planets:

“There is no doubt that there is life out there; the mathematics of it lead you to that absolute conclusion. In my mind, there is no doubt that the universe teems – teems – with life in all its forms.”

So there you have it – William Shatner is convinced that aliens exist. Join us tomorrow when we’ll be telling you whether or not Jimmy Tarbuck has ever seen a ghost. Or, oh, something.

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10 - THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER ONE…

9 - Who wants to make people out of acorns? – Craftjr

8 - Oh Pamela Anderson. Ick – AmyGrindhouse

7 – OLD BOOZE – Asylum

6 - THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER TWO…

5 - Seven awesome things about a Celine Dion magazine cover - BestWeekEver

4 - Giant, slow-motion popping bubbles – Geekologie

3 - Ronnie Corbett’s Supper Club sounds AWESOME – WatchWithMothers

2 - Warning: you will never be able to unwatch this – Warmingglow

1 - THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER THREE…

Strictly Come Dancing or X Factor? It’s a question that’s divided the nation. You have to prefer one.

You have to. Even though deep down you realise that they’re both a bit insultingly crap. Anyway, if you prefer Strictly Come Dancing, today is your lucky day – the list of celebrity participants for this year’s series have just been announced. And if you like painfully long lists of people you don’t really recognise, then you’re about to be catapulted into heaven.

So here are the 2010 Strictly Come Dancing participants. Remember, some of these celebrities will be good at dancing, and some will be rubbish at dancing, and at least one will end up getting off with their professional dancer. But who? Well, Patsy Kensit, obviously. But we’ve already said too much. After the jump…

Matt Baker – Former Blue Peter presenter. Behaves identically to Tom Hanks in Big, which is as creepy as it is endearing.

Paul Daniels – 72-year-old midget conjurer. FUN FACT: Paul Daniels once had to go to hospital because his pee-hole started to heal up.

Goldie -A man who used to be cool but would now put on a tutu and knit fairies on Channel Five if a reality TV show offered him enough money.

Jimmi Mistry – Star of East Is East. The fact he’s being touted as ‘star of East Is East‘ should be proof that he’s not really the star of anything any more.

Scott Maslen – The one from EastEnders who had the most amount of trouble saying identifiable words during the live episode. Good job that moving all of your limbs with grace and split-second precision on live TV is easier than saying the words “It’s a motive” in the right order on live TV then, huh?

Peter Shilton - Former England goalkeeper. Hopefully Peter will replicate David Seaman‘s Dancing On Ice performance, and bludgeon his way through about six quivering,concussed partners. Fingers crossed, anyway.

Gavin Henson – Bright orange rugby idiot. Used to be married to Charlotte Church. Will adapt to ballroom dancing with such obvious glee that it’ll be sort of uncomfortable to watch.

Patsy Kensit – Ex-wife of every single celebrity ever. Future girlfriend of whoever gets to be her partner. Mark our words.

Kara Tointon – A woman who left EastEnders in order to turn up in newspapers once every six weeks wearing a bra. That’s about it.

Felicity Kendall – This year’s token older lady who everyone will fancy, and then let this fact go to her head, and then overdo it a bit, and then be eliminated from the show in early November.

Pamela Stephenson – Billy Connolly‘s wife. Psychologist. That’s about it.

Tina O’Brien – Either current or former Coronation Street star. We don’t bloody know. We don’t watch Coronation Street and we can’t be bothered to look it up.

Michelle Williams – The woman from Destiny’s Child. No, not that one. Or that one. The other one. Yes, there was another one. There was. There bloody was! Don’t look at us like that, there was definitely a third member of Destiny’s Child. There was. Oh, you people.

Anne Widdecombe - That fact that we’re currently vomiting, pooing, weeing, pulling our hair and punching ourselves in the face as hard as we can all at the same time prevents us from penning a description of what Anne Widdecombe will be like on Strictly Come Dancing. Sorry.

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