Now that New Moon is an unqualified success, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart carry on doing what they love best.

And that’s schlepping around together looking genuinely miserable. This time, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have been seen together in New York, eating food and being outside and stuff. Oh, and possibly getting their bodyguards to stand in the way while they have a quick kiss.

So are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart finally an item? Maybe the answer is yes. Maybe the answer is no. Maybe we’ll never find out for sure. And maybe one day we’ll get bored and stop asking. PS: that last one is patently never going to happen.

Thanks to New Moon, the world has two new A-list megastars – and we’re certain that they make a wonderful couple. We’re talking, of course, about Taylor Lautner’s nipples. True, one day Taylor Lautner’s nipples might fall out of favour with one another and go through a painful drawn-out split, but for now they’re megastars. Megastars, you hear?

Also, there’s Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, who are also quite famous and probably a couple, although they lose marks for not being quite as attractive as a 16-year-old boy’s hairy nipples.

The Robert Pattinson/ Kristen Stewart romance is troubling not only because it doesn’t have a proper name yet (Krobert? Stattinson? Pisten?), but because both parties are maintaining a steely silence about it. To this day, Robert Pattinson says he can’t get a date and Kristen Stewart maintains that she’s a lesbian. But they’re always together – so what gives?

Well, luckily enough, some people had nothing better to do than stalk around New York three paces behind Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart last weekend, jotting down every single individual sign of intimacy between them into a grubby little notebook. And, luckily enough, we’ve got nothing better to do than pass that information on in the misguided belief that any of it’s worthwhile. People reports:

The duo started their night at the ultra exclusive Soho House, where they “had a good time”. Later, they skipped over to Avenue, where they were spotted making out while their bodyguards tried to block prying eyes. On Saturday night the two were spotted getting close at Dive Bar, on the Upper West Side. A source spotted the duo around 3 a.m. with their bodyguard in tow.

So that, it would seem, is that. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were seen making out, so they must be a couple. Unless the information was false and they weren’t making out and they’re not a couple. But let’s assume that they are, in which case we’d like to congratulate Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart on their new-found love. And also, we’d like to warn them that if they ever have kids, they’re going to have some really shit hair.

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You know what’s probably the sexiest awards show moment ever? When Madonna tongue-kissed Britney Spears that time.

Remember that? Hoo boy, that was sexy. Two girls going at it full tilt – what could be sexier than that? But you know what’s probably the least sexy awards show moment ever? Adam Lambert tongue-kissing a boy during Sunday’s American Music Awards. Seriously, who wants to see two boys going at it full tilt? That’s disgusting. They probably held hands afterwards, too. UGH.

Still, Adam Lambert has defended his man-on-man kiss during the AMAs, despite it getting 1,500 different knickers in such a twist that their owners felt obliged to complain about how turned on it made them. Or how offended they were. Or something.

Did you see Adam Lambert’s performance of For Your Entertainment on Sunday night’s American Music Awards? It was disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. It sounded like Dame Shirley Bassey covering Womanizer by Britney Spears. Honestly, we’ve never been so offended by anything in all our lives. It was such a shameless rip-off of the current fad for electro-Glitterbeat pop music that we felt dirty afterwards. We had to go and wash ourselves. It was disgusting.

Oh, plus Adam Lambert kissed a man at the end. That was interesting too.

Except it turns out that Adam Lambert’s gay kiss garnered 1,500 complaints from irate viewers, making it easily the most offensive thing to happen on the night. And that must be pretty offensive, because the Black Eyed Peas won an award that night, and that’s easily one of the most offensive things we’ve ever heard.

However, Adam Lambert kissed a man on TV and a lot of people got angry as a result – after all, Adam Lambert is the first gay pop star in history – so he needed to respond to the outcry. The done thing here would be for Adam Lambert to follow the Mel Gibson situation aversion model and apologise, then apologise to a leader of the heterosexual community and finally go off to rehab until he starts liking girls. But, no, this is Adam Lambert we’re talking about. He always has to be different. So what did he do? The Chicago Tribune reports:

“People are scared, and it’s really sad. I just wish people could open their minds up and enjoy things. It’s all for a laugh — it’s really not that big of a deal.” If you didn’t like it, tough cookies, Lambert told “Access Hollywood”: “I believe in artistic freedom and expression. I believe in honoring the lyrics of a song, and those lyrics aren’t really for everybody either.”

That’s not strictly true – if Adam Lambert really believed in honouring the lyrics of a song so much, then his American Idol rendition of Ring Of Fire would have climaxed with him dousing his anus in petrol and then torching it – but he’s got a point. A boy kissed a boy – big whoop.

More importantly, why didn’t anyone tell us that Adam Lambert was gay? If only there had been some clue about his sexuality before now. We’re stunned.

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It’s a question we’ve been asking ourselves a lot lately – old-timey bearded pirate or modern-day Somalian pirate? It’s a difficult decision.

Play Yohoho Cannon now

So if Michael Jackson and Taylor Swift were the big winners at the American Music Awards, who were the losers?

Well, Jennifer Lopez fell on her bottom at one point. So that means the big loser at the AMAs was… no, not Jennifer Lopez. We were going to say the structural integrity of the Los Angeles Nokia Theatre, actually – sure, earthquakes are one thing, but what chance did it stand against the twin meteor strike of Jennifer Lopez’s buttocks? – although we suppose we can count Jennifer Lopez as a loser, too.

Anyway, Jennifer Lopez now says that falling over was part of her choreography, and not just gravity doing what it’s supposed to do when presented with an object as gargantuan as Jennifer Lopez’s arse.

Sunday’s AMAs threw up a few surprises – some we’ve already discussed and some we’re getting round to – but the most pleasurable part of the evening was the sight of Jennifer Lopez collapsing under the weight of her hefty behind during a performance of her new single. You didn’t see it, of course – either because it was edited out of the television feed or because you deliberately avoided the American Music Awards since you knew you’d only end up clawing at your face and wishing death on all of humanity if you caught even a glimpse of it – but it happened. Jennifer Lopez fell over.

It all occurred during the debut performance of Jennifer Lopez’s new single Louboutins, a song all about how much Jenny from the block (whose love don’t cost a thing, remember) enjoys spending upwards of £700 on shoes that clearly aren’t very good at keeping her upright. She sure is a a woman of the people. Anyway, this is more or less how the accident played out – Jennifer was walking up a staircase made entirely out of topless male dancers, then she leapt off the top, slipped and crashed to the floor before popping back up and pretending that it never happened.

The American Music Awards have removed all trace of the Jennifer Lopez bum-attack from YouTube, so instead, here’s the closest re-enactment we could find…

But even though the accident has been neatly wiped from history, it didn’t stop Ryan Seacrest from asking Jennifer Lopez about it yesterday – which was good, in a way, because it gave Lopez the chance to claim it was all perfectly intentional. MTV reports:

“Did I? Did I? Did I trip a little bit? I don’t even remember,” Lopez said with a chuckle. “Yeah, I meant to do that. You should know me better than that. That was part of the choreography… The measure of things is not what happens when you fall, it’s how you recover when you fall.”

But whatever her excuse, we should be thankful that Jennifer Lopez avoided any serious injury to herself by landing on her bottom. True, she did manage to swallow about three small villages up her enormous bumcrack in the process, but the important thing is that she’s OK.

UPDATE: There IS footage of Jennifer Lopez stacking it on the internet, after all. Thanks to the ever-wonderful @mofgimmers for the link.

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Obviously when we saw New Moon, we mean The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Because that’s the film’s official title.

Or we mean Omigod Omigod OMIGODDDD I TOTALLY JUST SAW EDWARD’S NIPPLES! SQUEEE! Because that’s what people who see the film are most likely to screech when asked about it. Anyway, New Moon is the new weekend box office number one, after opening to record-breaking success.

What records did New Moon break? Well, it officially had the highest opening day gross of any film in history, so that’s one. It’s also broken the record for the film that made us unfriend the most amount of people on Facebook for saying how much they enjoyed it. Go New Moon!

If you haven’t seen New Moon yet, then SPOILER ALERT – it’s rubbish. And about two hours too long. And made up exclusively of painfully drawn-out silences and close-up shots of boy nipples. And it’s rubbish. Did we mention that it’s rubbish?

But New Moon is also successful, which is why it’s number one at the US weekend box office this week. It’s already broken box office records. It’s already the biggest werewolf movie ever. It’s had the biggest-ever opening for an independent movie. It’s caused more involuntary urination than any other film this year and it’s the best-performing film about a pale, undead ghoul with a creepy fondness for people much younger than him since that Michael Jackson film. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - New Moon (If you liked New Moon, you’ll love watching its stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in other hit films like, um, no. No, actually, we’ve got nothing) $140,700,000

2 - The Blind Side (Sandra Bullock plays a southern woman who adopts an impoverished young black boy from a broken home and, against the odds, falls in love with him. We made that last bit up based on the plot of every other Sandra Bullock film. We’re probably right) $34,510,000

3 - 2012 (Where John Cusack almost causes the total extinction of the human species. Which we thought he almost did when he made Serendipity. Are we right? Huh? HUH?) $26,500,000

4 - Planet 51 (Where Dwayne The Rock Johnson goes on a fun-filled family adventure and blah blah blah blah blah blah hilarious consequences) $12,600,000

5 - A Christmas Carol (The first of Robert Zemeckis‘ computer animated films where you’re not overwhelmingly creeped out by the almost-human characters. That’s because this is a Jim Carrey film and you’re bound to be more freaked out by the almost-human voices) $12,230,000

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We’re thrilled to announce that this might just be the last thing we ever write about Jon and Kate Gosselin.

The signs are certainly good. The last episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is broadcast tonight. Jon and Kate Gosselin have thrashed out a surprisingly amicable divorce settlement. That’s it. Now both Jon and Kate can fade into the background and we’ll never hear from them again.

That is, unless one of Jon Gosselin’s sexual partners sells their story to the press, or Kate Gosselin’s relentless desire for attention culminates in her taking out strangers from a clock tower with a sniper rifle. Both of which are quite likely to happen. This isn’t the last we’ve heard of Jon and Kate Gosselin at all, is it? Bollocks.

So much of the Jon and Kate Gosselin story is mired in such all-encompassing depression that even thinking of words that rhyme with their surname – like ‘nozzling’ or whatever – make us want to slash away at our wrists and throat with a set of nail scissors. Honestly, their life is just a never-ending catalogue of misery. There’s the divorce, the televised breakdowns, the slow collapse of their TV show, the fact that their children are going to grow up to hate them, Kate’s stupid hair – the gloom simply refuses to let up.

Having said that, two tiny chinks of sunlight have broken through the clouds today. First, today marks the final-ever episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8. True, this is only a partial victory because it’s likely to be replaced by a show called Kate Plus 8 or, failing that, Kate Gosselin: I Can Do This On My Own or, failing that, Some Other Awful Bastards With Too Many Poxy Children, but let’s soak in what little pleasure this gives us while we can.

Secondly, Jon and Kate Gosselin have finalised their divorce settlement. This means that they won’t insist on weeping into the nearest camera about how unreasonable the other one is all the time. People has divorce details:

“This was the proceeding that essentially ended their marriage,” says the source.”Kate is just relieved that a very painful chapter of her life is nearly over, and she is looking forward to building a better, brighter future for herself and her kids.” During the hearing, Jon “didn’t dispute Kate having primary custody of the kids,” says the source, which came as no surprise to Kate.

So Kate’s getting primary custody of the kids, huh? That makes sense – if that kiss and tell story from a few months ago was anything to go by, then Jon’s idea of considerate parenting is closing the bathroom door before having it off with the nanny in the hot tub. Meanwhile Kate only hits her children, deprives them of water and scares the living daylights out of them with her dreadful haircut, which is markedly more considerate.

But quality of parenting doesn’t matter any more. The only thing that matters is that this is the full stop that the Jon and Kate story needs. Or, if not a full stop, then an asterisk that’s followed by a footnote reading ‘Then they were all eaten by lions. Nobody cried.’ One or the other.

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One of the worst things about smoking – and this is true – is that it really impedes one’s ability to chase down strangers with chainsaws and brutally murder them.

And this is a problem. So much so, in fact, that the European Commission has put together a video that specifically promotes an anti-smoking lifestyle to maximise the lung capacity of chainsaw-killers in regard to pursuits. We’re not making this up.

There’s even a little squadron of anti-smoking mascots to help the murderers along. One of them looks like an amputated testicle. Again, not making this up. See for yourself after the jump…

The American Music Awards – like the Grammys, but more likely to make you lose total faith in humanity – always surprise.

And last night they surprised. The two biggest winners at last night’s AMAs were Taylor Swift (who wasn’t there) and Michael Jackson (who hasn’t released an album of new material since 2001) (and was nominated for a Greatest Hits album that’s over six years old) (and who is quite conclusively dead).

That wasn’t the surprise, though. No, the big surprise was that Black Eyed Peas won the prize for Best Pop Group. Honestly, what’s wrong with these people? Don’t they have ears?

Oh good. It’s the American Music Awards. You know what this means, don’t you? It means that awards season is here. Soon we’ll be up to our necks in 150 different types of award shows, all doling out meaningless baubles to films that nobody watched, music that nobody paid for and TV shows that people only put on because they’re afraid of silence. Joy.

And if the American Music Awards are any indication, the theme of this year’s award season is going to be Let’s Give Loads Of Stuff To Michael Jackson. Last night at the AMAs, Michael Jackson won Best Soul Artist, Best Pop Male, Best Pop Album and Best Soul Album, even though he didn’t release anything within the allotted time period for nominations. Or within any of the last eight allotted time periods for nominations, in fact. People reports:

“It’s not just about the winnings, the awards,” his brother Jermaine said in an acceptance speech. “It’s mainly the message. The message Michael had will live on forever. He saw good in everyone. … Start with love and let’s love each other.” Sister Janet Jackson got a standing ovation when she opened the show with a choreographed-heavy medley of her hits.

Jermaine Jackson is right – the continued love for Michael Jackson isn’t about winning the awards. It’s about being nominated for the awards, because that way Jermaine Jackson gets to spend his evenings somewhere warm where there’s free food. It’s going to be a cold winter, and he’ll need to stock up before people start forgetting about his brother.

It’s no surprise that Michael Jackson won so many American Music Awards – he was nominated for several of them, after all – but we’re praying that this doesn’t start a trend. Sure, a handful of AMAs are one thing, but nobody wants the Oscars to follow suit and award Moonwalker the Best Picture trophy, do they? Nobody wants the Best Supporting Actor Golden Globe to go to Michael Jackson for his role in The Wiz, do they? Nobody wants Michael Jackson to win a retroactive British Comedy Award for that time he hilariously dangled his baby from a balcony, do they? What? They do? Weird.

But just because Michael Jackson won so many prizes, it doesn’t mean that the American Music Awards only honour washed-up shells of their former selves out of nothing more than a mixture of guilt and nostalgia, even though the acts are thoroughly undeserving of them, does it? Just take a look at who won the AMA Artist Of The Year award last night.

It was Whitney Houston. OK, you may have a point.

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Notice how the sun’s not shining quite as brightly today? Notice how everyone looks considerably more miserable today?

It’s because Jedward were kicked off X Factor last night. And Lloyd wasn’t. Honestly, people are stupid. Anyway, last night’s X Factor was George Michael night and, by and large, it was a gigantic disappointment. We were looking forward to seeing Olly doze off behind the wheel of a Range Rover and Danyl masturbate furiously inside a public lavatory. Didn’t happen. Heartbroken.

Still, at least the X Factor recap is here to cheer us up…

Lloyd Daniels – Lloyd knows that he’s probably the weakest act left in this year’s X Factor, which is why he prefaced Saturday’s performance with the declaration that he was going to sing harder than he’s ever sung before. And that was demonstrated during his rendition of Faith. Or, as Lloyd sang it, Fuhhhhf. Because, you see, Lloyd’s idea of singing harder than ever before involves sounding like a weasel’s fart instead of a mouse’s fart. Honestly, it was awful – as weedy and disinterested as listening to an Open University audiotape of a middle-aged librarian flatly listing different types of dust. On the other hand, Lloyd decided to change the angle of his hair by about 15 degrees for Saturday’s X Factor – which is obviously a creative vault on a par with Dylan going electric – so no wonder he’s still safe. Christ.

Stacey Solomon – Having jettisoned the whole ‘moving around’ experiment for good, possibly on the basis that she moves with all the grace of a newborn giraffe trying to ice-skate after its first taste of alcohol, X Factor has decided to rebrand Stacey Solomon. She’s now ‘The Voice’. That’s not strictly accurate, because Stacey is technically ‘The Two Voices’ – the quite good singing voice and the speaking voice that makes her sound like Janet Street Porter in the middle of a debilitating panic attack. But still, on Saturday’s X Factor Stacey demonstrated her new title by singing I Can’t Make You Love Me in a way that made every note last just a little bit too long. And to her credit, Stacey gave a classic X Factor performance. Classic in the sense that it was boring, didn’t really go anywhere and made us turn over to idly watch a few seconds of a BBC2 documentary about German architecture in the middle, but whatever.

John And Edward – On Saturday’s X Factor, John And Edward performed a medley of I’m Your Man and Wham Rap, which was billed as their toughest performance yet. Which it obviously was, since it marked the first time that John And Edward had attempted a song that has actually got notes in it. And, despite performing most of it from the top of a dangerously unstable-looking scaffolding rig, John And Edward more or less pulled it off. However, when it was over Simon Cowell raised the issue of whether they were being asked to do too much, because their performance was essentially made up of two different songs and a high-energy dance routine. But we say tish to all that – we wanted them to be given even more! Next week we wanted to see John And Edward sing 14 different songs while reversing climate change, tap-dancing like Sammy Davis Jr and defusing a dirty bomb. With their arses. But that won’t happen now, will it Britain? You wankers.

Danyl Johnson – It was widely reported last week that Danyl Johnson had thrown a gigantic tantrum during X Factor rehearsals because he was being forced to sing a crap song. So what was he given as a replacement? That’s right, Careless Whisper. You’re a sick man, Simon Cowell. Anyway, this was a brave reinterpretation of Careless Whisper – not only was the famous saxophone introduction removed, but Danyl also decided to add a part in the middle that went “AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!” Aside from that, it was typical Danyl Johnson performance – it was loud, cocky, performed in the style of a South Park Canadian and for the life of us we don’t understand why anybody liked it.

Olly Murs – Throughout X Factor, Olly Murs has only been given old-fashioned songs to sing. So, to mix things up, X Factor decided to make him sing something current on Saturday. You know, something contemporary and modern. You know, something to establish his credentials as a bleeding-edge performer for the 21st century. So they made him sing Fast Love. You know, the song from 13 and a half years ago that sounds identical to that song where Jimmy Nail shouts “She’s lying!” a lot. And, to be fair, it is a contemporary song – there’s a good chance that crappy local radio stations still play it on Friday nights to help pikeys gear up to binge-drink themselves into unconsciousness at horrible provincial nightclubs called things like Rusty’s. Still, Olly’s version of Fast Love allowed him a brief dance interlude, which might have been good if only Olly hadn’t used it as an excuse to shake a little nugget of poo from the bottom of his trouser legs. At least that’s what it looked like he was doing, anyway.

Joe McElderry – When Joe McElderry finished singing Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me on Saturday’s X Factor, all the judges gave him a standing ovation. It was odd – at first we assumed that a fire alarm had gone off and the studio was being evacuated – because it certainly didn’t deserve a reaction that enthusiastic. It might have been similar to the original from a technical standpoint, but it was a horrible John Barrowman of a performance. All the notes were there, but there was nothing behind Joe’s eyes. Apart from teeth. That boy sure does have a lot of teeth. And he didn’t even shout “Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Elton John!” halfway through the song. That’s the best bit. And you can’t trust anyone who sings that song and doesn’t change the words of the chorus to “Don’t let your mum go down on me,” either. Stupid Joe. Stupid world.

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Chris Brown can’t change the past – if he could, he would have done a better job on Rihanna and then fled to Mexico.

But he can change the future. And that’s Chris Brown’s prime directive right now. He doesn’t want to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence any more – he wants to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence and then cleaned up some rubbish quite well.

And that’s what he is. A judge has just given Chris Brown an ‘extremely favourable’ community service progress report. Now that’s being a role-model. For people who hit women and then have to pick up trash.

In all seriousness, there’s something slightly heartbreaking about Chris Brown’s efforts to atone for his attack on Rihanna in February. It’s the little touches – the slightly forlorn-looking bowtie he keeps wearing, the way he’s titled his new tour Fan Appreciaton, the videos of him playing with a young relative with a pitiful look of desperate neediness plastered all over his face – that do it. It’s tragic. We preferred Chris Brown before any of this happened. Because we didn’t really know who he was back then.

But Rihanna’s been allowed to move on with her life – apart from all the songs about violence, all the violent videos to accompany the songs and the uncomfortably graphic interviews about domestic abuse that she’s used to promote it, there’s barely a mention of the attack on her new album – and that seems as though Chris Brown wants that more than anything, too.

To prove it, Chris Brown isn’t just completing the 180 days of community service that he was sentenced with for beating up Rihanna – he’s apparently completing it really ruddy well. MTV reports:

Chris Brown appeared in a Los Angeles courtroom for a progress hearing on his probation — and in the eyes of officials, the singer has earned an “extremely favorable” report. Brown attorney Mark Geragos said in the courtroom that Brown has already completed 100 hours of community service in Richmond, Virginia. Brown has also completed seven of his 52 domestic-violence classes.

It’s a good start, but Chris Brown isn’t out of the woods yet. His community service still has a long way to run, and he’s still got 45 more domestic-violence classes to go. Right now he’s only good at domestic violence. 45 lessons down the line, though, and he’s going to be great at it.

So should we start to forgive Chris Brown for his past behaviour? It would certainly be the civilised thing to do given his level of remorse and dedication to bettering himself. Then again, if we forgive Chris Brown, he’ll probably go on to have a fairly successful long-term musical career, and we’ll have to keep writing about him all the time. So no. No we won’t forgive him. The big-toothed git.

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Having watched the last season of 24, we’re fully aware that you can never trust a politician’s offspring.

Statistically, they’re all quite likely to blow up Jon Voight, and that’s a fact. They’ll blow up Jon Voight and then they’ll make their mother, President Moonface, quite sad. But it’s not just fictional political children who are trouble – Alexandra Kerry, the daughter of failed 2004 presidential candidate John Kerry, was arrested early yesterday morning on suspicion of DUI.

But don’t worry – she wasn’t quite drunk enough for it to be illegal. It’s funny, because if we were Alexandra Kerry we’d have stopped going to bars long ago. There are only so many times you can put up with people saying “Why the long face?” after all.

Millions of people want to be famous, but we think they’ve got this all the wrong way round. Being famous is rubbish. All that intrusion and pressure and recognition can really wear you down. No, it’s much better to be related to someone famous. That way you can pretty much drive around like a massively irresponsible tool whenever you like. It’s why Paris Hilton’s little brother was arrested for driving drunk, why Al Gore’s son was arrested for driving around on pot, why Hulk Hogan’s son wrapped his car around a tree and why John Kerry’s daughter was arrested for DUI this week.

Oh, come on. You remember John Kerry. He was going to be president of America in 2004, until people decided that he wasn’t even as good as George Bush. Dull man. Face shaped like a coffin. You remember him. Anyway, early on Thursday morning his 36-year-old daughter Alexandra was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Hollywood. And, yes, you’re right, this is an incredibly slow news day.

However, even though we think that Alexandra Kerry would actually make quite a good jailbird, on the basis that her chin is so narrow and pointy that she could easily use it to shank a nonce in the ribs, that’s not going to happen. Because, although Alexandra Kerry was drunk, she wasn’t quite drunk enough for it to be illegal. The New York Daily News reports:

Alexandra Forbes Kerry, the older of the senator’s two daughters, was pulled over for a traffic violation. “She was arrested for driving under the influence,” said Officer Sara Faden, who added that Kerry was released on $5,000 bail. Kerry refused to take Breathalyzer test at the scene. A later test showed a level of 0.06, under the legal limit of 0.08.

Good for Alexandra Kerry. She’s a model citizen who knows her limit – drunk enough to be pulled over by the police, but not drunk enough to be arrested for it. Well done, Alexandra. Well done indeed. And don’t think for a moment that her father’s status helped Alexandra Kerry escape punishment, because if you take that into consideration, you also have to take the fact that she directed the pilot episode of The Hills into consideration as well, and most right-minded people would react to that news by jamming a lethal injection straight into her neck.

Anyway, join us next week when – unless the news gets any more interesting – we’ll break the hot news that Iain Duncan Smith’s cat has got trapped in a bloody suitcase or whatever.

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ClickPlay 2 is adorable and frustrating at the same time, much like a beautiful woman or a puppy who won’t stop pooing on your carpet.

Play ClickPlay 2 now

After two decades, several free cars and enough weight fluctuation to sculpt a small cellulite army, Oprah is done.

Sort of done. Oprah Winfrey is leaving her show. But not until 2011. And then she’s going to immediately start a new show somewhere else. But it’s still sad news – without Oprah Winfrey around, where will we know which treacly, middle-brow books to read? Where will we discover what people look like after they’ve had their face torn off by monkeys? Where will we get our fill of needlessly excited women unintentionally screeching bizarre non-sequiturs at a roomful of strangers? Where will we be able to slowly lose the will to live?

What? Tyra Banks? Oh, OK.

At this point in time, Oprah Winfrey has accomplished everything she can with her show. She’s given away cars to her audience. She’s watched dumbstruck as Tom Cruise leapt around on her furniture. She’s hit out at French stores that don’t recognise her greatness. She’s mildly annoyed 50 Cent. And, as with any show that’s been running since the mid-1980s, it’s all become slightly formulaic.

We know that Oprah Winfrey will whoop and encourage her guests to sob and appear in a pair of skinny jeans to boast about how much weight she’s lost every 18 months, and then spend the following year gradually swelling up like an infected blister again. And so does she. And that’s why Oprah Winfrey has done the unthinkable. She’s decided to quit her show in September 2011. ABC News reports:

Oprah Winfrey, one of the most influential and highly paid women on television, will announce on Friday she is ending her popular daytime talk show in 2011. Winfrey’s production company, Harpo Inc, said on Thursday she would make the official announcement on Friday’s live program from Chicago and talk about the reasons behind the decision to end it after 25 years on the air.

Well good for Oprah Winfrey. She’s earnt all the money she could ever need, and it’s better for her to bow out while she’s on top. We wonder what she’ll do with all her free time – maybe she’ll focus on her charitable work or take up knitting. What’s that? She’s starting her own network? Christ alive, that’s terrifying.

But at least Oprah’s new network will be good for anyone who wants to catch up with Oprah Winfrey at any given moment of the day. Or anyone who loves watching dozens of touchy-feely celebrity interviews. Or anyone who wants to spend upwards of 16 hours a day staring slack-jawed at a giant image of Oprah Winfrey’s head that’s made out of fire and does nothing but scream the word “REPENT” at them again and again. Probably.

But we’ve got all that to look forward to. For now we just have to wait for the official announcement on Oprah’s show later today. We can’t imagine what it’ll be like. Actually, we can – Oprah will cry, there’ll be a 15-minute VT montage of celebrities describing how brilliant she is and then Oprah will repeat the phrase “You guys!” 48 times in a row – but we meant to say that we don’t want to imagine what it’ll be like. Subtle difference.

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Quickly, what’s the most distressing thing you can think of?

Is it the sight of a man slowly crumbling to pieces – so that, at one point, he closely resembles Sloth from The Goonies – to the sound of a slowed-down version of Pure Imagination from Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory as performed by what appears to be a chain-smoking murderer with asthma? It is? Why that’s just wonderful, because that’s exactly what’s in the video after the jump.

Don’t worry, though – the video has a happy ending. Sort of. We think. We were too busy crying to notice…

This is just a hunch, but we’re expecting Will Ferrell to be named as People’s sexiest man alive next year.

Because, seriously, that man is loaded. He gets paid so much money. Too much money, in fact. And he doesn’t deserve a bloody penny of it. That’s according to Forbes, at least – Will Ferrell has come out on top of a list 0f Hollywood’s most overpaid stars. The list claims that Will Ferrell only earns his investors a return of $3.29 for every dollar he’s paid.

Why such a poor figure? Well, it’s partly because Land Of The Lost flopped, partly because comedy is notoriously difficult to sell around the world and partly because Will Ferrell has cold dead eyes and a rapist’s haircut. Possibly.

What makes a good actor? Commitment? Research? An ability to emotionally connect with an audience? No, you idiot. What makes a good actor is the comparative financial return that they make for investors based on their salary. That’s why Matt Damon is a great actor and Will Ferrell is the worst, stupidest, actor to have ever walked the Earth.

According to a new Forbes list, Will Ferrell is the most overpaid star in Hollywood because he only makes $3.29 back for each dollar he’s paid. Compare this to Naomi Watts, who earns investors $44 for every dollar she’s paid, and you can see what an underwhelming amount that is.

That’s not necessarily a helpful comparison – Naomi Watts’ figure is so much higher because she’s generally paid less than Will Ferrell, her films cost less to make and she rarely carries movies by herself, plus the fact that her name is a guarantee that you’re either going to see her boobs or the outline of at least one of her nipples through a skimpy top at some point – but it must still be a worry for Will. ABC reports:

Ferrell took first place largely due to the flop of his summer 2009 movie “Land of the Lost”, which Forbes said cost an estimated $100 million to make but earned just $65 million at box offices worldwide for movie studio Universal Pictures. The movie followed a disappointing $43 million box office for Ferrell’s 2008 outing “Semi-Pro”, and $128 million for “Step Brothers”.

We should probably point out that Will Ferrell was part of a list of overpaid actors, but we’re trying not to mention that because it’ll only depress Ferrell further. For instance, Ewan McGregor came second in the list. And when was the last time you ever got excited about a Ewan McGregor film? This year? Last year? This decade? Ewan McGregor is awful, and he’s still better value for money than Will Ferrell.

Other actors on the list include Tom Cruise – a man who only makes films so that people can tell him how rubbish he is in them – and Billy Bob Thornton. Billy Bob Thornton, for crying out loud. He can’t even do an interview properly, let alone a bloody film. Seriously, Will Ferrell must be feeling terrible.

There’s only one thing for it. To turn this around, Will Ferrell will have to start taking on Naomi Watts-style roles before it’s too late. He should sign up for impossibly minor roles in bad Clive Owen films, harrowing remakes of brutally amoral German horror films and London-set films where members of the Lord Of The Rings cast beat a large number Russian gangsters to death with their bare penises. That will definitely revive Will Ferrell’s fortunes as a Hollywood commodity.

We expect a consultancy fee for this advice.

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