Hecklerspray’s working on a script for a television series based on Orko, the purple magician from the He-Man cartoon.

It’ll be a drama. In the pilot he’ll meet a pair of lavender legs, they’ll slowly fall in love, and then half way through season three he’ll realize they’re actually his legs which have been missing since shortly after birth. Initially this will pose an ethical dilemma, but then they’ll move to Vermont and get married anyway.

We’ve a guy at TBS that says he’s very interested. MTV doesn’t have room for more 80’s fanfare – they’re too busy bringing back Teen Wolf.

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There is a decently long list of animals we’d like to punch.

Top of the list is bears for the way they’re always so nonchalant with their captors. Next wood be woodpeckers because even in today’s civilised age, they still destroy trees.

Coming in a respectable third is monkeys. We’d punch them because we know that behind those beady eyes they’re thinking about ways they can kill a man and take his woman.

That’s really lame, monkeys. Why don’t you just lust for your own kind, you hairy pervs! Maybe that’s why Jason Biggs recently fist-fought one while on vacation.

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You know, since Michael Jackson died – we literally haven’t eaten a thing. We just can’t.

Well – not to say we can’t eat anything. What we mean is when we eat things now – we only consume things that we think he would have cherished. Like veal. Because it’s young.

We haven’t drank anything either – except for milk, juice, and water. Our family and friends tell us we have to eat something else or we’ll die. We say we refuse to – not in a world without MJ!

Lucky for our thinning frame, then, Michael’s not actually dead. Here’s video to prove…

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

If you’re dear old Auntie Mable happened to pass away without telling you where exactly she’d hidden her well-preserved 1979 Microsoft stock certificates, you might think you’d need to pay an expensive psychic to ask her where they are.

Not so – now you can do it in your own home – for the low, low cost of a mirror!

When Shawn Lindseth isn’t guest editing hecklerspray he’s making sure orphans the world over have decent clothing and a roof over their heads. That’s just the kind of guy he is.

And when he’s not doing that he’s selling illegal animal pelts on the black market. Speaking of which – if you’re interested in a bathrobe made of zebra skin/skull combo, make yourself heard down in the comments section. As a possible sale point – the tongue helps dry your hair.

And when he’s not doing any of that – he fancies himself a cartoonist. On the next page you’ll see just…

Michael Jackson did not want to be buried. Everybody knows this – plus there’s no plot of ground that could possibly hold his greatness anyway.

On top of that – it’s common knowledge that in a 1987 Esquire magazine interview he clearly stated that upon death, in place of burial he wished his skeleton to be disassembled and turned into the world’s smallest roller coaster. As we understand it, his jaw bone was to be the car, and he envisioned mostly mice riding it.

Well whatever happens to his body – it’s not happening on his birthday. His funeral’s been pushed back again.

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As anyone who’s anyone already knows, the Twilight series revolves around several gay vampires struggling to marry in California or something.

Will the state’s senate hear their pleas? Rumor has it we’ll find out in the third film – Eclipse. Everyone’s filming in a red barn right now, and the commonly accepted speculation is that this is where the bloodiest gay hoedown in cinematic history is supposed to take place.

In the book it happens in chapter 4.

Apparently onlookers are lined up outside the barn snapping tons of pictures – while you’re stuck at a stupid desk. It’s so unfair, life.

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There is a woman who claims she was raped by David Copperfield.

And although this is a very serious allegation, we heard she’s not 100% sure as he did so with an invisible penis. Obviously the magician is claiming the whole of this absurd as he probably has a wand that can magically make the necessary female anatomical parts appear on anything at any time. Like trees, for instance.

He also claims the would-be victim is up to a trick of her own – an extortion trick.