You know how all those VH1 reality dating shows have kind of become formulaic?

Well they’re not anymore – now they involve actual murders to keep them interesting. To be clear the bonafide homicide didn’t happen on camera – but it was performed by one of their former contestants.

The show was Megan Wants A Millionaire, and the apparently fleeing contestant is Ryan Alexander Jenkins. He high stepped it to Canada, you see. And now the American authorities can basically only sit on the US side of the border playing a high stakes game of Whack-A-Mole should he show his face…

Imagine just how difficult it must be as a pregnant Kardashian – you’re body’s got incredibly large, fleshy lumps spilling over both sides, and your several dozen tiny bathing suits no longer fit. This is particularly a shame as they literally cost you thousands.

Perhaps these are all reasons why the recently pregnant Kourtney is telling us she considered the A-word as a means of baby disposal. Sure, if she goes through with the abortion it’ll probably be in the third trimester for a ratings boost, but now it looks like she’s gonna birth the kid as a ratings boost instead.

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For centuries now we’ve all wondered what would happen if a drunken Ringo Starr were to make sweet love to a liquored-up Mickey Mouse. For most of us the answer is obvious – Pluto would move out.

We’re not really sure if it’d be genetically possible for them to breed – but a kid eventually born with the mouse’s ears and Ringo’s sniffer, well he’d have a tough time in grade school.

Of course they’d never actually mate for some reason we can’t put our fingers on, but they could collaborate in other ways – like in Disney’s upcoming remake of Yellow…

Prison is no doubt filled with horrible things – throat stabbings, for instance.

Richard Hatch must have felt like a kitten in a cathouse, then, when he and his throat were allowed to finish out the rest of their incarceration from deep within his sister’s house. Hatch had probably already altered his orange jumpsuit to include velvety frills and sparkles galore when suddenly there  was a pounding on the door.

It was the cops, and do you know what they did? They dragged Hatch off to a local jail, that’s what. What could he possibly have done?!

Rumor has it Jon Gosselin’s turned in at least three applications for a chance to star on I Love New York III.

This would be quite a boon to VH1’s audience, which currently consists mostly of scientists trying to study the transmission of unhindered STDs. They can color code their tv screens, as we understand it. We heard the star of Megan Wants A Millionaire glows green, whatever that means.

For the record, we made up the bit about Jon competing on ILNYIII. Also – Megan probably doesn’t glow fungal-green.

Jon starring on other shows, however, well that looks quite possible.

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We know we know…Stu’s gone and you don’t know what you’ll do.

You’re probably thinking of jumping in the shower with a toaster, or forcing yourself down the gullet of a large hungry fish – but know this – he’s on ‘vacation,’ or something.

Truth be told, he took some pills to make him lactate, and now he’s slowly working his way across poorest Africa – feeding all he can. We asked him before he left if he thought he’d mind the chafing, to which he clipped on his fanny-pack, looked towards the horizon and said ‘no.’

Don’t worry about him – he’ll…

There was a time not so long ago that to have a baby, one had to petition the Most High until he blessed her with a swollen womb and an ample supply of spooj.

But now anybody can have a baby whether God wants them to or not. For instance,  even though it’s clear that everybody in heaven is very much against giving Celine Dion heirs to still record albums long after she’s dead, it’s happening anyway.

Somehow, after years of scientific struggle, she’s pregnant again.

When Henry VIII wrote his first Sherlock Holmes story on the severed necks of his dead wives sometime in the 1500s, he likely had no idea how long his sleuth would endure.

Yet here it is, some 500 years later and we’re still making movies out of him. And how, you might ask, can this next incarnation possibly seem fresh after all these years? Why, as best as we can tell they’re tying in Iron Man or something.

Also – they’re bringing in Brad Pitt. Or they’re not. But they are. Or they’re not.