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Matthew Laidlow

Nicki Minaj To Release New Material As A Fruity Gay Man

by Matthew Laidlow

To be a successful female in modern America, you have to release records that are edgy, oozing with sex and somehow able to offend various subsections of society or else you’re just old fashioned. Rihanna constantly tells us how she likes to engage in adult activities, Lady Gaga likes to dress up as meat and [...]

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Tulisa Doesn’t Like Kissing Girls, So Don’t Get Any Ideas You Lesbians

by Matthew Laidlow

If it wasn’t for this year’s limp X-Factor judging panel lineup, then nobody would have a chuffing clue who Tulisa was. The nation are still mourning the loss of everyone’s number one toilet attendant batterer, Cheryl Cole. She had been doing a fine job at crying at any opportunity, but times are always-a-changing. This year [...]

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Justin Bieber Records Some Christmas Songs And Kills The Holiday Season At The Same Time

by Matthew Laidlow

Even though today is officially Halloween – a day where everyone is allowed to dress like a devilish ghoul and stick two fingers up at God, the occasion has already past. Unless you work in a wacky office environment, they’ll be no badly hung up Halloween decorations. Halloween was unofficially shifted to Saturday 29th October [...]

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Sinead O’Connor Doesn’t Like To See People Crying On X Factor, The Blubbing Hypocrite

by Matthew Laidlow

Back when times were pure and innocent, only a few select events took up room on our calendar; such as birthdays and the elusive annual leave. Now, more and more meaningless events are cluttering our calendars as television bullies its way into our lives, sits down on top of us and angrily demands that we [...]

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Mystical Thom Yorke Foretold The Demise Of R.E.M.

by Matthew Laidlow

2011 is the Chinese Year of the Rabbit but don’t let this complete non-sequitur put you off. Musically, this year has seen an alarming trend of bands reforming for reunion gigs. Or putting things into perspective; one final payday so they don’t have to remortgage the houses and get day jobs in motorway service stations. Where [...]

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Michael Jackson Is The Kookiest, Spookiest Hallowe’en Celebrity

by Matthew Laidlow

At the moment, ‘Sexy’ Dr. Conrad Murray is facing an uphill struggle in an American court as he and his team of lawyers attempt to prove he didn’t give Michael Jackson enough painkillers to take down a herd of elephants. The trial is barely getting started and we’re beginning to tire of boring experts telling us [...]

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Muse Donate Instruments To Plymouth University So Students Can Make Better Music Than Them

by Matthew Laidlow

Face it, there are two categories of Muse fans. The first is the casual listener who knows the bands more famous songs – “Plug Me In Baby” and “Super Big Massive Black Hole.” Both are assisted with pretentious videos that makes them even more appealing to art students who deem a decaying lump of wood [...]

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Michael Jackson Jokes Banned On Janet Jackson’s Tour, Freedom Of Speech In Turmoil

by Matthew Laidlow

Towards the end of his dog-eared career, Michael Jackson began to resemble an eerie looking clown who’s wax face was tarnishing in a mild midday heat. See, we can say that because that’s our opinion. But if you go to a concert by not-so-important Jackson sibling Janet, that right will be taken from you. Due [...]

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HecklerPlay – Guitars Are Evil And Kill The Rainforest

by Matthew Laidlow

Music, it’s such as innocent past time isn’t it? What could be more pleasant than watching your favourite musician at a gig whilst sipping a warm beer in a plastic glass? Those inspired by what they hear will then go and buy their own instrument to be all creative. If you’re at school, you’ll be [...]

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Chris Brown Wins Loads Of Hip-Hop Awards, But None For Beating Women

by Matthew Laidlow

If we were in charge of the Hip-Hop awards, we’d boil everything down to just one award which congratulated an artist for name checking themselves at least fifty times per song and rhyming words ridiculously fast. But like any other dull awards ceremony, tedious trophies are given to anyone who wears an entire gold mine [...]

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