Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s attitude to marriage is simple – only gay marriage or Jennifer Aniston being really narked off will allow it.
Or at least that’s what we thought. Now, as part of her confusing ‘go against everything she’s ever said, done or thought’ promotion for The Changeling, Angelina Jolie has admitted that she will inevitably get married to Brad Pitt, but only to stop her children from pestering them for a wedding.
It just goes to show how persuasive a small army of multinational children can be. If they can make Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married, just think what else the Jolie-Pitt kids could achieve if they harnessed their pester power properly. They could even aim for the impossible. You know what we mean – if they all work in unison, they could convince Angelina Jolie to make a film that doesn’t stink like a corpseful of turds for once.
Is it just us, or has Angelina Jolie been promoting The Changeling for longer than time itself? It certainly seems like it. All we can conclude is that Angelina must really want that Oscar, because the tricks she’s pulling on the promotional circuit are getting more and more desperate.
To begin with, things started normally enough. We thought that, for such a highbrow film, the only publicity that Angelina Jolie would need to do was return to the USA from Europe. But we underestimated wildly there – we didn’t know about Angelina Jolie’s tattoos. Or the way that she’d be photographed with a baby chowing down on her nipple. Or the way she bought her infant son a deadly weapon.
Most recently, like a boxer in the 35th round, Angelina Jolie has become so exhausted by all this promotion that she’s just throwing tired, opportunistic punches at whatever’s easiest. Not so long ago, Angelina Jolie admitted that she and Brad Pitt fell in love on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith when Brad was still married to Jennifer Aniston, despite making endless claims to the contrary for the last three years.
And now Angelina Jolie has reached down deep for one last push, just to make you go and see that bloody film of hers – she’s declared that she’s going to get married to Brad Pitt.
That’s a surprise, since Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt both declared that they’d never get married until gay marriage was legalised across America. But that was before they had kids. And, cuh, you know what they can be like right? Right? The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
[Angelina] says, “Usually people fall in love and everything revolves around the ritual of marriage, children are an afterthought. We did everything backwards. But sooner or later it will be the kids who ask us (to get married). You know, they see films and start asking questions. Such as, ‘Why are Shrek and Fiona married and you’re not?'”
It’s a good point, and when that day comes it’ll probably be best if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie respond using a similarly fairy tale-themed metaphor, about evil old ugly Queen Aniston who used to keep Prince Daddy locked in a cage and will probably throw herself off a building if they ever get married.
Or, you know, they could tell the truth and say that they’ll probably split up withing the next five years and not getting married will save the cost and mess of divorce proceedings. Either one’s fine, really.
But this is all hypothetical. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie won’t get married for a long time yet, because the kids haven’t asked yet. That’ll be years away – half of them are too young to communicate effectively now, and the other half still have to learn English.
Erin says
A 7 year old is not an “infant” as you sugguest in your post here. Just saying
Alice M. Gregory says
What gratuitous and ugly shit.
Andrew says
I find Angelina’s films quite good, but other than that – good article lol
annie oakley says
All great points. She will do or say ANYTHING to promote her terrible films. When will people realize her kids are a product of her and her spin doctors. She ran out to adopt Zahara when Brad told her she could play the bi-racial woman in “A Mighty Heart.” Then called every magazine and had pictures released of her child. You forgot to mention how last week she said that “my kids are at an age where they don’t really need us anymore.” HUH?!?!!?!?!?! She has three under the age of three.
Beth says
When I was little, I had a dream about a monster that would suck out all your guts, and then poop in the corpse. I hadn’t thought about that in years, but “stink like a corpseful of turds” brought it back.
The Dread Pirate Sausage! says
*Looking nervously over shoulder for Beth*
*Turning lights on*
Move on People! says
Who the hell cares whether or not they get married? What, like those two getting married is incentive to legalize gay marriage across America? As for constantly tying Jennifer Aniston into this crap…leave her alone once and for all! She’s so much better off now. I’m sick of seeing Brad and Angelina’s faces everytime I turn around…they’re creepy and nothingness!
gir says
Creepy and Nothingness, the seminal work of Jean-Paul Sartre that defined the Celebrexistentialist movement for the latter half of the 20th century.