First, here's the good news; Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are going to get married. And now for the bad news; Brad Pitt will only marry Angelina Jolie when gay people are allowed to get married too.
However, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie might be in for a pleasant surprise as – upon hearing Brad Pitt's statement – every single important member of the American government immediately met up to rush through legislation to allow gay marriage in the vain hope that they'd score an invite to the Pitt/Jolie wedding, even though Brad Pitt probably only gave that particular reason for not marrying Angelina Jolie because it's slightly less embarrassing than admitting that the last thing Angelina wants is to get married to him.
It seems like ages since Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were the centre of the world's attention with their Namibian adventure and the birth of Shiloh Nouvel and her subsequent wax carving, but Brad Pitt has a new movie coming out soon – the supremely depressing-looking Babel – and so he's back doing what he does best; yammering on about getting married to Angelina Jolie as if he, she or anyone else on the planet genuinely believed that it'd actually ever happen.
Of course, we've been here before. Even though they are the most beautiful family on Earth, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren't married. This could be because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie feel that marriage is an outmoded form of partnership, but it's equally likely that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie enjoy taking the piss out of everyone a lot. Pitt-Jolie wedding rumours are always ten a penny, whether they aren't showing up in Italy or they aren't having secret Buddhist ceremonies. The official line on a Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie wedding keeps changing, too – sometimes they might get married and sometimes they definitely won't – but now Brad Pitt has stepped forward to clear things up once and for all. In short, he'll only get married to Angelina Jolie when gay people can get married in America too, as he tells Esquire magazine:
"Angie and I will consider tying the knot when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able."
Maybe Brad Pitt made a bit of a mistake by not explicitly mentioning gay marriage by name, as we actually kind of want to get married to our Myleene Klass Hear'Say action figure and we'll be damned if the government will take our tender and relentlessly erotic love seriously. However, Brad Pitt also told Esquire about his kids, namely that he's one of those Dads who lets his kids run around screaming and annoying everyone else within a three-mile radius:
"I try not to stifle them in any way. If it's not hurting anyone, I want them to be able to explore. Sometimes that means they're quite rambunctious… I feel it's really important to have that time to sit and talk to them. I really like that last minute before they fade off. And always give them a heads-up before you jerk them out of something. You need to tell them, like, 'You have three more minutes.'"
[story by Stuart Heritage]