If there's one thing that's true about all heroin addicts, it's that they have impossibly good judgement – which is why we're sure Amy Winehouse was completely right to sack off rehab after five days and bugger off down the pub.
That's right – Amy Winehouse seems determined to consolidate on the success of her hit record Rehab by trying to get the most amount of headlines containing the word 'Rehab' ever. It's emerged that, after recently checking into rehab to try and put an end to her debilitating drug addictions, Amy Winehouse has had enough of living in a rehab centre off the coast of Essex and decided to return to the warm bosom of crawling around London boozers like a homeless-looking Marge Simpson impersonator. It's a shame because not only is rehab a far better way for Amy Winehouse to get better but, at £10,000 a week, rehab would have also been cheaper than buying one medium-sized round in any London pub.
Some people are just naturally suited to rehab while others aren't. Take Lindsay Lohan, for example. That girl loves rehab so much that she'll drive around drunk with cocaine in her pockets days after leaving rehab just so she can go back again. Similarly, that boy from Desperate Housewives will check into rehab just because one alcoholic drunk made him vaguely fighty once. But Amy Winehouse – now there's a different proposition altogether.
Amy Winehouse hates rehab so much that she wrote a song about it where the only discernible words she sings are 'rehab', 'no' and 'fleguraargh'. And even though she appears to have spent the last 18 months of her life so drunk that she can't stop punching women or marrying idiots, Amy Winehouse steadfastly refused to go to rehab. But then the inevitable happened and Amy Winehouse had a night on the lash where she overdosed on heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, ketamine and booze before collapsing in a heap, going to hospital, getting a shot of adrenaline and having her stomach pumped.
Finally – after realising that horrible drug overdoses that almost kill you aren't that great – Amy Winehouse bit the bullet, confessed that she was a heroin addict and checked into a £10,000-a-week rehab facility on a private island off the coast of Essex. And then Amy Winehouse got better and everyone was happy. Or at least that would have happened if Amy Winehouse hadn't ditched rehab after a stupidly short period of time and gone directly to the nearest pub. Which is exactly what she did do, as Metro reports:
It didn't take long for Amy Winehouse to have enough of rehab, preferring to recover from her overdose in a local pub. The heroin and cocaine addicted singer managed just five days in the Causeway clinic, off the coast of Essex, before she and husband Blake Fielder-Civil walked out. Instead, the pair spent an evening in the Old Eagle Pub, in Camden, North London, with Blake's parents Georgette and Giles… A family source added: 'They just said they had had enough and wanted to leave. The clinic is hoping they will come back but they can't be forced to stay.'
And we're 100% on Amy Winehouse's side here – pubs are obviously far better for you than expensive rehabs. For one, there were plenty of places for Amy Winehouse to run off and have a cigarette on the 350-acre private rehab island, but you can't even smoke in pubs now. True, Amy Winehouse can get dangerously drunk – and evidently lay her hands on heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and ketamine – in a pub, which she couldn't at rehab. But answer us this – how many rehab facilities have jukeboxes, a pool table and one miserable habitually-drunk pensioner who's always sitting at the same barstool no matter what time of day or night you go there? Huh? We rest our horrendously flawed case.
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Femme says
I don’t get it, why am I supposed to care about her? Because she went to rehab and it’s ironic because of her ‘hit’ song that is mostly just annoying and she used to be a bit chunky and now she’s scary-thin? Sorry guys, that’s not enough for me. Let’s let her fade away as gracefully as possible, please.
Jo says
Thanks for that! I appreciate the humour, I hope you don’t have children. Have you tried cleaning vomit and blood from a wall, seen your kid with the shakes at 2:00 a.m. watched the funny smiling eager two year old you remember degenerate into a yellow dead-eyed corpse that sobs through the night. Thought not …. Peace brother. Sleep well!