If you’ve been traumatised by all those photos of Amy Winehouse looking ill and close to death and alone recently, fear not.
Because Amy Winehouse isn’t going to be ill and close to death and alone any more – she’s going to be ill and close to death with Blake Fielder-Civil, her hat-wearing berk of a husband who was released from jail yesterday, where he’d been since getting arrested for smashing a man’s face in with his feet and then lying about it.
But don’t expect a happy reunion between Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil just yet – after leaving prison, Blake went directly to rehab alone, where he’ll either be treated for substance abuse or violent shower-room bumming depending on how well his sentence went.
Hear that noise? Listen, it’s beautiful. It’s the sound of Amy Winehouse not staggering around bellowing “BLAAAAAAAAAYKE!” at the top of her voice every three or four seconds. It’s also the sound of Amy Winehouse not altering every single word of every one her songs so she can hamfistedly cram in as many goonish references to her jailed husband as possible. Like we said, it’s beautiful.
Ever since Blake Fielder-Civil was arrested almost a year ago, he’s been kept in jail. And, as a result, Amy Winehouse’s life has astonishingly managed to get even worse than it was before. She’s been seen staggering around on the streets, she’s started fights with everyone from strangers in pubs to her own audience, she’s developed chronic lung diseases and, worst of all, she’s probably slept with a man who looks like Little Ben from EastEnders. All of which have been soundtracked by a cry of “BLAAAAYKE!” that sounds like a dying elk straining for a poo.
But that ends now, because now Blake Fielder-Civil has been released from jail, meaning that Amy Winehouse can be reunited with him once again. Well, we say ‘reunited’, but that’ll be a bit difficult given that Blake has had to go directly to a court-stipulated rehab stint and Amy is possibly still in a clinic being treated for a chest infection.
However, a little thing like not being able to see his wife isn’t going to stop Blake from being happy about his release, as E! Online reports:
[Amy’s] absence did seem to dampen the spirits of her 26-year-old spouse, who began serving time almost a year ago to the day after assaulting a pub owner and then attempting to pay off a witness. He did, however, seem a bit worse for wear. In addition to a massive grin, Fielder-Civil was sporting red scratches on his arms and a chipped front tooth when he exited the Suffolk facility.
Normally we’d suggest that Blake should get himself to a dermatologist and a dentist quicksmart in order to look his best for his emotional reunion with his wife but, given that Amy Winehouse is now a wheezing old woman with sores all over her face, he probably shouldn’t worry about making too much of an effort at the moment.
Instead, the most important thing for Blake Fielder-Civil to do is try to put the last year of his life behind him and focus on the reason he’s in rehab. After all, the world has changed a lot in the last year, and it’ll take time for him to settle back into life on the outside.
Actually, that’s a bit of a lie. The world hasn’t really changed much in the last year. It still thinks he’s a tit, for instance.
Julian Mentat says
Ahh, good old Amy. It’s true that she draws on other artists’ work for inspriration, but the important thing is that she adds something to it.
For example, other artists had a saying: “The show must go on!”
Amy Winehouse took that and added to it, creating:
“The show must go on without Amy Winehouse because she can’t be arsed to turn up!”