As Amy Winehouse so memorably put it in her famous hit "They tried to make me go to rehab/ I said 'wheeze gargle hurrrrrrp."
That's right – it appears that hoofing down crack and cigarettes all the time like a stinky old tramp hasn't done Amy Winehouse's lungs any good at all. According to her dad Mitch, in fact, Amy Winehouse has been diagnosed with the early stages of emphysema – a disease that'll kill her if she doesn't quit drugs immediately.
Now, obviously this isn't news because it's been discovered that Amy Winehouse is close to death – any fool has been able to see that for the last year or so – but because her contraction of emphysema has helped us complete our Amy Winehouse Disease Bingo card! Hooray! Now we just have to decide whether we go double or quits with weaponised Marburg. She doesn't already have that, does she?
Amy Winehouse is like a walking medical encyclopedia, albeit a walking encyclopedia that you don't want to touch in case it gives you headlice or bellows the word 'Blake' at you for an hour and a half until you forget what you wanted from it. Anyway, our point – we think – was that Amy Winehouse knows a lot about disease.
For starters Amy Winehouse's skin is apparently riddled with impetigo, plus she once contracted the rare disorder of taking too many drugs and almost dying – and now it's her lungs that are all effed up.
You see, Amy Winehouse's father has told the world that his daughter has emphysema. It's a cruel illness, striking down any number of people, so long as they're elderly soap opera actresses who smoke an irresponsible amount of cigarettes during their lifetime. And Amy Winehouse, too, apparently. BBC News reports:
Mitch Winehouse told the Sunday Mirror his daughter has early stage emphysema and an irregular heartbeat. "Doctors have told her if she goes back to smoking drugs, it won't just ruin her voice, it will kill her," he said. "With smoking the crack cocaine and the cigarettes her lungs are all gunked up. There are nodules around the chest and dark marks. She's got 70% lung capacity."
That's actually quite serious-sounding. Still, hopefully the early diagnosis combined with her father's insistence on repeatedly humiliating her in public will force Amy Winehouse to dramatically change her ways before it's too late. After all, if we can say anything about Amy Winehouse it's that she always learns from her mistakes.
Wait, no, what we meant to say was that if we can say anything about Amy Winehouse it's that she never learns anything, not even in the face of serious life or death consequences, and she's doomed to repeat the same mistakes time and time again until she inevitably messes her life up beyond repair. Yeah, that scans better.
Anyway, if Amy Winehouse can successfully combat her emphysema now, perhaps she can go on to become a spokesperson for young women who keep catching diseases traditionally reserved for the elderly. After all, just think of the awareness that can be raised for the likes of The Association For Gout-Stricken Teenagers or Incontinence Pants For The Under-25s with a megastar like Amy Winehouse onboard.
Rob Delaney says
Top stuff.
Unashamed use of the word "hooray!" AND a clever ebola/ marburg reference.
Welcome back, Mr Heritage
Stuart Heritage says
Thanks Rob – you can’t see it but I’m curtsying wildly at you at the moment.
Rob Delaney says
Ah… Yes… forgive the "mr".
How would you like us to address you now?
gir says
Evidently, Daddy doesn’t think she’s fine anymore *smirks* *wears smug expression* *gives off impression of self-satisfied contentment*
toolahroolahroolah says
I would have preferred something contagious like Tuberculosis. Then there would be hope that the people around her die as well. Ah well, there is always all the STD’s, impetigo, hep…
Are we going to see any of your vacation videos?
Sounds like you had quite a time. If you booked with someone, I’d like to know who so I may avoid that company.