Now that they’re bridging My Super Sweet 16 and Nil By Mouth, Rihanna and Chris Brown can’t be having much fun.
But it’s OK – Ne-Yo‘s fixing it. Ne-Yo has decided that the photo of Rihanna’s smashed face and Chris Brown’s arrest and subsequent apology don’t tell the whole story, so he’s decided to act as an R&B intermediary between the pair of them.
Ne-Yo’s plan is already in effect – he’s spoken to Rihanna and apparently she’s ‘fine’ – and next he’ll talk to Chris Brown. He may even use the word ‘Bruh’ if things get heavy. Don’t mess with Ne-Yo.
The best thing about Chris Brown being arrested for allegedly attacking Rihanna until she needed hospital treatment is that there are no end of celebrities willing to wade in with their take. Literally every celebrity on Earth has decided to share their opinion about Chris Brown – Roseanne, that woman who sometimes hangs around with Oprah Winfrey – all of them.
Trouble is, none of them have been Ne-Yo. Ne-Yo is different. Ne-Yo loves women. Ne-Yo called his last album The Age Of The Gentleman so he’s obviously a gentleman – even though to listen to the album is to understand that his idea of gentlemanly conduct involves having a testicle amputation and then crying a lot.
Ne-Yo was named after the Neo character from The Matrix, whose name was an anagram of ‘one’. Technically Ne-Yo’s name is spelt differently, so it’s only an anagram of ‘oney’ which doesn’t make sense – but that’s beside the point. The point is that Ne-Yo understands.
How much does Ne-Yo understand? Enough for him to be able to sort out this mess between Rihanna and Chris Brown singlehandedly, that’s how much. Ne-Yo is friends with both Rihanna and Chris Brown, so he’s decided to get to the bottom of all those bruises on her face the only way he knows how – via the medium of agonised heart-to-hearts.
Ne-Yo has already had a discussion with Rihanna about the incident, as MTV reports:
“I spoke to Rihanna. She says she’s fine. She didn’t go into detail about what happened. I understand it’s a painful situation; I didn’t push.”
Phew, thank goodness that’s sorted out. Honestly Ne-Yo, you’re wasted as a girl-voiced R&B singer. You should be a private detective or a police superintendent or something. If only people had applied this innovative ‘don’t push’ and ‘no details’ investigative methods at the start of this case, Rihanna might have avoided all this mess.
Meanwhile, Ne-Yo hasn’t spoken to Chris Brown. But he’s going to, and he knows exactly what he’s going to say:
“I haven’t had a chance to talk to Chris yet. I just wanna sit down and talk to that dude and just explain if he doesn’t understand: ‘That’s not something that’s excusable, bruh. You have to get a little smarter about whatever it is going on in your relationship. You have to get a little smarter about how you handle certain situations.'”
Obviously this will be all the punishment that Chris Brown needs and, having been called ‘bruh’ by Ne-Yo, there’ll be no need for him to go to prison or anything like that.
Join us next week when Ne-Yo travels to the Middle East and tries to put a permenant end to the Israeli-Palestine conflict by mumbling “Hey bruh, I’m not going to push, but what’s with all these tanks and shit?” at Benjamin Netanyahu during a romantic dinner for two at a swanky restaurant.
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Sean Mac says
God bless ya stuart,you cheer me up after a wank day at work.
Matthew says
hahaha! Ne-Yo is such a douche bag. Right on, bruh.
Gibbo says
Sean Mac: sorry, but if my work had a Wank Day, I would need no further cheering up.
mrs.lil wayne wifey#1 says
ne-yo is right he nedd to comfort rhianna in her time of need i anm so ashamed at what chris brown did to rhianna how dare he do something that terrible words cnat even describe how fury i am at chris bitch sorry aint gonna cut it dis time i hope rhianna have enough since to get chris brown out of her life
shooty* says
Oh, dear lord, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel…
shooty* says
Actually, Homer Simpson put it best when describing Grunge in the episode “Homerpalooza”, with particular reference to the Smashing Pumpkins: “Making teenagers depressed it like shooting fish in a barrel”
Applied to modern times, that would appear to be “Making R&B fans express the one emotion their crack addled brains will still permit (blind, badly spelt, non-punctuated RAGE!) is like smacking up pop stars in a limo”.
Hannah Njoki says
Hi …i think neyo decision is right and yah`bruh`is the right word to use.Ask cris to always think b4 acting like a kid.And Neyo u r soooooooo…….oo….ooooodamn cute